The First One (Patreon)

A close friend of mine died this morning.  He was six months younger than I am.  My wife broke the news to me.  His passing was not terribly surprising, having been in poor health for more than a decade, but the suddenness of it jarred me.

This is the first time in my adult life that I have had to deal with the loss of someone close to me, and I am discovering that it hurts far more than I  expected it would.  Christmas will not be the same, as my wife and I used to celebrate with him and his wife.  We also used to have barbecues, he and I would be on the deck having a beer and grilling steaks, talking about politics or whatever top-heavy starlet we'd recently seen on TV.  Not terribly progressive sentiments, I know, but right now I don't give a shit about propriety. 

The parts of my life that my friend filled will leave gaping holes, experiences that will be solitary rather than shared.  And as I said earlier, this is the first one.  My parents are quite elderly, living halfway across the country from me, a choice I was forced to make because of a poor job market and limited prospects.  I know that some morning in the not too distant future, I'm going to receive a call from one of them telling me that the other has died.

I'm sorry to be so maudlin, but the day I knew would come has finally arrived, and the knowledge that it is going to be the first of many is weighing me down.  I am not religious, so that source of solace is denied me.

But I am buoyed up by one thing: my friend was happy when he died.   He had recently moved to the country for his health, and loved being away from the city with his wife and his dog.  The same goes for my parents.  They are old, but they have enjoyed good health and good lives.

I will get through this, as billions of others before me have.  Right now, it just hurts.