History is a circle (Patreon)

Well, thanks to a timely placed nightmare this morning I realized exactly what it is that has been bothering me about the puppetstuck path. So, history time.

Back when I was writing Fallen Hero as a book (working title a supervillain writing experiment) back in the Livejournal days, this was the point where I ran headfirst into a brick wall. Until then, everything had flowed great, but at the point when our antihero (named Cyrus back then) got stuck inside Yasmin's body (the puppet's name, from the Bratz dolls) everything became real. It was both a revelation and a kick to write, right up until the point when it wasn't. Suddenly the book made me deeply uneasy, I stopped writing, and only came back to it a decade or so later when I needed material for an IF game.

In the intervening years I had figured out some things about myself. You might say that my egg had cracked, and I realized that the reason why I stopped writing was my own issues with gender and femininity (hint, they have never been good). Cyrus having to navigate being a woman for an extended period of time, not just dressing up as an act, hit too deeply, I tapped into some deeply (for me) unnerving feelings.

If you're not interested in my stuff, skip the next section.

For context, my gender/sexuality journey was pretty much as follows: I grew up as a boy, in the countryside, with boy friends, treated no differently by my parents. I didn't even know there was anything like being trans, girls were icky, I was just me. Then school came and I faceplanted into having to be treated like a girl and hating it. Found a book that had a character that could change gender with a magic ring, which was really neat, and got myself a male name (together with my equally butch friend) when I was thirteen or so, going by that until high school. There, I could reinvent myself, had a brief moment of counterculture girlhood since I made female friends, experimented with makeup and thought being a lesbian was pretty great. Then metal happened and who cared about gender? The death metal uniform in the nineties was essentially unisex, all my friends were male again and off to uni and a brief mental breakdown I went. So went my twenties, then online happened and I met someone, and fuck, guess I was bisexual. To make a long story short, I've been rummaging in the gender/sexuality grab bag enough that by now I've settled for queer/genderqueer just not to have to detail this every single time. I answer to all pronouns, but prefers he/him. I don't bother correcting people because fuck, I hate being perceived, but also I hate being put in a box and sometimes it is fun to switch things up. Dressing feminine still feels like crossdressing (I am old, excuse my language) but I can do it now and then. Most of the time it gives me severe anxiety and loathing of my own body. I feel like a man, I look and act like one, or I suppose a butch he/him lesbian because labels are... yeah. Queer is easier.

And so we are back to Fallen Hero. And me waking up at 5 am from a stressful nightmare where I have been packing for a trip that included a fancy dinner, and I needed to find a dress and underwear that worked for that. Light flashback of last summer's wedding that I went to. Yeah. Thank you for that subconsciousness, you hit the nail on the head. Guess that's what's stopped me from being happy with the puppetstuck path. I've balked at getting back into that mindspace again. Of being stuck in a body not my own. Being someone else. Not having a choice. Helpless.

Of course not all paths will have that. For some it might be a dream come true, with temptations of their own. But, regardless, it is not a thing where I can remain clinical and in control. I tried to be, tried to do the whole plan things out first (which is great, mind you) but now I need to let go. Get ugly.

So yeah, I know why I stalled, now I just need to build that bloody playlist and get over myself. Thank you for your patience.