Levi's Shocking Story [April Fool's!] (Patreon)

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I fought tooth and nail starting from sewers, now leading forces in the Survey Corps, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on the Titans, and I have over 50 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm Humanity’s Strongest Soldier. That’s right. All. of. Humanity. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over pigeon messages? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across Wall Maria and the Three Walls and your letter is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Survey Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo. Signed, Captain Levi.

April Fools, Cadet