The Up and Downside (Personal Post) (Patreon)

Just a little personal post to explain a few things

There's an upside to stress and bad situations because it often means that when you feel bad - you can blame that situation for how you feel.

When I had my previous job I was so overwhelmed by the negativity and pressure of it that it was easy to say that it was the job that was causing me to feel that way.

Fast forward months and here I am with you guys and you couldn't be more perfect. I'm SO grateful for you and what you do for me. Even when you guys can't pledge anymore that's okay! I am grateful for however long you stay around. I've seen people come back after a while and that's so wonderful and heartwarming too.

Thing is, when things are this good and you still feel bad.

That's when you have to acknowledge that maybe it isn't the situation but it's actually you. 

I've lowkey known I've had depression and anxiety for years and years but in my head because I was aware that mean I was coping and managing it? Like when you have bad thoughts you can still step back and go - they're there but that's where they'll stay.

But this year, things were finally so good and in the last few months I just got hit with such anxiety and stress and I lost the will to do much of anything. It's why I haven't been streaming as much, I feel like it's really hard to keep up that upbeat persona - well, it's not a persona perse, it's still a part of me but I've felt like it's around less and less and you feel like such a failure because you're like 'why can't you be happy?? things are good!'

So this last week I've been talking to my friends about this, and even though I didn't want to do it I finally went to the doctor about it. The meds are already knocking me six ways to sunday after one pill and I won't feel a difference for a while. The SE will last a week or so and the next step will be to talk to someone professional.

I spent most of this evening in bed from the nausea and the stress migraine I got from actually tackling this but I'm feeling better now and I'm gonna do a bit of work.

I just felt like you should know. Drawing brings me so much joy - it always has. I know I 100% would not be here if I didn't have that. It just sucks that some of that joy is being sucked away.

One of the people who I talk to said a few things to me that I think might help you guys too if you're going through something like this. There's such a stigma behind depression and being medicated for it but she always says to me "If you were a diabetic you would take insulin - its the same thing." But the most important thing she repeats to me.

"You deserve to be happy"

I hope I will be.

My doctor also gave me a website with exercises to help for mindfulness so I'm gonna link it here if any of you would like to check it out for yourselves. Website 

That's all I wanted to say. It won't magically be better and I've a long road ahead but at least I've taken the first step.