I'm still alive ... (Patreon)

Hi!

I always took this quote as a joke, but today I seriously have to say:
“Reports about my death are greatly exaggerated!”

I know I have been away for long periods many times in the past. But this time it was different. When I took times off in the past it was just because I didn’t feel like drawing fat stuff and needed a break. But in the last 24 or so months something happened to me. When Covid appeared in early 2020 I was optimistic. I was sure that when we all would work together we would defeat this virus in no time. And while we did that I would use the time at home to concentrate on my work and other projects and see this phase as a chance. But then the pandemic went on. And went on. And went on. Friends and family members got sick once in a while. Everyone got well again, thank God, but the fear that I or my family would once get sick or die from Covid got worse.
And in all those many months I sat at home working in home office, working on private projects my life shrinking down to this desk I was sitting on. My wife and child were the only people I saw on a regular basis and especially my child did a good job in keeping me busy. Which was good. And besides my family life I concentrated on projects that brought me joy and I thought that this would be enough to keep me up till the pandemic was over.
But the situation went on and I more and more felt that I was changing. I got cranky, I got insecure, I got worse in my job, which led to some uncool talks with my boss. I also gained weight which, unfortunately is much less enjoyable for me as when it happens to others. I caught myself screaming at my son for no real reason because I was so fucked up. I felt bad – physically and mentally. I even got comments from a few people that had notice that something was going on with me. Without realizing I had developed a fucking depression.
I am getting help now. It is nothing too serious, but it is definitely good that I now got the help of a professional.

I could have told you this (or at least a little life sign here and there). And over the months I wanted to write something several times to let you know that I was still there and that I would continue working on BBW-art as soon as I was better. But to make things worse I felt the pressure of all the commissions that were still left undone (BBW-stuff and other jobs). And so I always thought: “You can’t write without giving them at least a little piece of work. But I had none done and had no energy to finish one – and so I said nothing. I also saw all the messages in my inboxes, but I felt ashamed to answer them one day I dedn’t even read them anymore.
This was definitely a bad decision and I feel sorry for letting you all down so long, especially those of you who had donated a lot of money for their commissions. I still can’t tell when I’ll feel like drawing FA-stuff again. I noticed that in all the months where I felt bad in way I didn’t think too much about big ladies. I went on twitter here and there, took a glimpse in DeviantArt once in a while, but I didn’t want to participate. And of course I read all the rumors that people spread telling everyone that I had dies from Covid and that my Mom had confirmed that on my discord server. What the Fuck? Who is spreading such fake news and Why? I don’t even have a discord server not to mention that my Mom in her seventies wouldn’t be able to use it. I can understand, that someone in the actual situation could get the idea that I may have died after being silent for so long, but spreading fake news with thought up evidences is just gross.
Anyway. I’ll deal with those assholes who proclaimed my death.

But to all you others I have to say: I am really sorry for deserting you for so long. I really should have given you a little piece of information about what is going on. I understand every Patreon that has left me over the months. That’s what I would have done too.
I really hope, that things will turn to the better now and that I will have the light mind that it needs to enjoy drawing the bigger ladies again. But I can’t promise.
What I can promise is that I will be a bit more present here in the community again and maybe I’ll find my old form soon.

Again: I am really sorry and I hope you forgive me. (And if you spread fake news about my death or my Mom you’ll get blocked soon)

Yours

The Koudelka