Waifu Warz! Idea Poll [October 2023, Patchouli Knowledge] (Patreon)

1. It's Touhover

2. We're Reimu Backurei

3. Repeat from 1

These polls always surprise me with how they end up shaking out. I'll think "oh, this one will be like... one of the Mario princesses because they're from the new thing" and then it's a character whose last major appearance was 14 years ago. You'll never hear me complain about writing Touhou characters, though.

Patchouli, as a character, is mainly defined by her status as an at-birth magician. She uses ✨magic✨ to keep her body going, rarely eating under normal circumstances.

Of course, not eating (combined with her penchant for heavy metals such as arsenic and mercury) means that she is physically quite frail. She can throw out devastating spells that'd level buildings with ease, but you put her in a boxing ring and she'd probably wind up with half her bones broken within 30 seconds. She's a Black Mage. She's a Lysithea.

She also tends to spend the large chunk of her time secluded within the Scarlet Devil Mansion, so these scenarios would mostly take place there.

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1: Playtime With Flandre: If you recall, Flandre Scarlet was in a previous audio I did (2020, sheesh!). Flandre's main schtick is that she's kept in the SDM's basement for being too... irresponsible with her ability to destroy anything.

In EoSD's extra stage (where Flandre is best known from), Patchouli is the midboss. This story would take place after the events of the extra stage, starting with Flandre walking over to a panting-and-heaving Patchy laying on the ground. Patchouli explains that she can't exert herself for too long due to her asthma. Taking matters into her own hands, Flandre promises to fix Patchouli's breathing issues by grabbing her face and blowing as hard into her mouth as possible. Flandre, having stupid amounts of strength for someone of her build, manages to blow Patchouli up to fill half the basement.

The story ends with Remilia Scarlet (the matriarch of the SDM and Flandre's older, more responsible sister) hearing all the racket downstairs and coming in to lightly scold Flandre.

Characters: Patchouli (full body air inflation), Flandre (supporting), Flandre (supporting).

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2: Let's Get In Shape, Patchy!: This one is more related to how sickly Patchouli is overall.  Hong Meiling, the gatekeeper with a knack for hand-to-hand combat, offers to help Patchouli exercise and bulk up a little. A healthy body is a healthy mind, and if her literal last name was anything to go by, Patchouli greatly values her intelligence.

However, not used to regular exercise, the poor witch is left severely tired-out and sleep-deprived within days of beginning their workout schedule. Yoga is up next on the list, and Meiling hands Patchouli a pump. She stumbles on one of the foam mats and ends up with the hose jammed into her mouth. A fairy-maid (largely-mindless little servants that float around the mansion and do Remilia's bidding, compare to Waddle Dees) passes by. Not knowing any better, it proceeds to pump Patchouli up to enormous proportions (shape-wise, would largely be inspired by this pic).

Once Meiling is done setting everything up, she's greeted by something that is definitely inflated, but absolutely not a yoga ball. Meiling dashes around the area and swipes the pump away from the fairy, the story probably ending on some dumb punchline like "well, at least you got some stretches in today!").

Characters: Patchouli (full body air inflation), Meiling (supporting), unnamed fairy maid (supporting, but mostly mute).

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3: Birdbrain In The Library: A pretty common fandom thing is to depict Marisa (one of the main protags) swooping into Patchouli's library and stealing books (kink art as an example, but trust me when I say there's a LOTTTTTT of SFW "Marisa steals Patchouli's books" stuff lol).

This is fine, but I may or may not have that scenario already planned for something else I'm working on. So, this one will have Aya Shameimaru (Tengu news reporter, the "bird" in question) fly through one of the SDM's windows instead.

She's snooping around after hearing a rumor about Remilia. Patchouli tells her to fuck off, and the two eventually wind up getting into a bit of a scuffle. Fireballs and tornadoes alike are thrown at one another. Aya is put on the ropes after a flying piece of rock slams her into one of the bookcases, but this gives her an idea. She sneakily lands a swirling gust of wind in Patchouli's mouth, then pushes a book up against her face to prevent Patchouli from just coughing it back out. The wind swirls and grows in force inside Patchouli, until her belly is big as her bookshelves. Story ends with either Aya releasing the book and letting Patchouli whiz around the room like a deflating balloon, or with Patchouli popping. Sakuya (head maid of the mansion, human) could make an appearance for the final scene with some "oh don't tell me I have to clean all of this bullshit" type stinger joke.

Truthfully, any of these could end in either popping or not, just depends what mood I'm in when writing it. :^)

Characters: Patchouli (full body air inflation), Aya (supporting), Sakuya (cameo)

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Might try something new for the polls next month. Was thinking how things would go if I asked people to submit a series rather than a character... though, that could get messy for a series with a lot of characters like Touhou (or my other regulars like Monster Musume, Danganronpa, MHA, etc). Dunno. I'll at least give it a test-run and see what people think.

And yes, they are all full-body air inflation. I wanna play up a few key aspects of her physique here.