Cosplay and body image (Patreon)

If you follow my work you might know my struggle with my personal body image.

I grew up as a dancer-- a very competitive dancer at one of the best competitive dance schools in the country. Up until I was 14, I was considered one of the best dancers at that school. It consumed my life. I danced 6 hours a day, every day of the week, even becoming home-schooled to focus on dance full time. It was everything to me, and I had a bright future as a professional dancer and my dream was to be on Broadway.

And then I hit puberty.

I was no longer given special dance parts, I was no longer in the front row (where the best dancers stand), I was no longer given duets, solos, or anything special. I was tossed in almost the back corner where no one could see me. My teachers had hinted many many times that I needed to lose weight, even coming right out and saying it, but besides actually starving myself or throwing up after meals (two things I tried to do) there was no getting rid of my natural curves. There was no excess weight to lose. I was pure muscle and the same size as the other girls, I was just being punished for my body type.

I ended up quitting dance at 15, and focusing on theatre. There I got made fun of quite constantly for my chest, getting the "Biggest Boobs" award as a gag trophy, after winning the lead actress role in many productions. As usual, my work was reduced to my body type. I was rejected from dance, rejected from film, rejected from cheerleading, and pretty much rejected from pretty much every performing art because of my body. Although I could've strived against the odds, I knew the odds were slim, and living in Minnesota, the odds were even worse.

I had given up for about four years on my love of performing arts. I had gained weight since my dancing years, and with each additional pound, I hated how I looked even more, because my body is the reason I had been rejected from everything I love. I had grown to hate my body, and didn't care for it. And so it was an endless cycle of hating myself, eating because I didn't care, and hating it even more.

And then I found out about cosplay. The art of possibly dressing up and 'performing' like curvy girls and being celebrated for it. I watched in awe as girls be proud of their curves and represent these characters in a non-sexual way (no porn involved, which is usually how big boobed girls are seen and the reason I'm generally modest). I admired these women, and wanted so badly to be like them. There was hope that my body could one day be celebrated without being the sex icon I never wanted to be.

I've been cosplaying for almost four years now, and although right from the beginning I've appeared, from the outside, very comfortable with my body, it's taken a long time to actually be okay with it, and I really still am not. I have two voices in my head-- one that my friends, family, and you guys say-- that I'm beautiful just the way I am, and then there's the little voice from my past, telling me I need to lose the weight, otherwise I'll be rejected again.

Cosplay has been a way for me to celebrate who I am, in a medium I'm proud of. Artists have many different mediums, but cosplayers really have to put themselves out there, using their own bodies as canvas. It opens up such personal criticism, and I admire every cosplayer who is able to put themselves out there like that. It's helped me grow in so many ways I could've even name them all.

Anyway, I apologize if you've already heard this story. Just thought I'd tell you the sappy story of my life in one blog post :D