HC: Handyman | Ch. 22 - Pink Conspiracy (Patreon)

Jack switched torches for the third time, but the maze continued. He didn’t know if the developers had programmed it on purpose, but [Basic Torches] lost one durability point every minute. That meant that one torch could last ten minutes before breaking, nine if Jack wanted to sell it. Quickly, he began counting time in the dungeon, not by minutes, but by torch swaps.

Once he got used to how the traps were hidden in this dungeon, he easily detected the small, thin shadows. His inventory was half-full with [Rusted Arrows] and [Tin Darts]. Jack dragged the non-burning end of his torch against the wall to guide him while he kept the quarterstaff stretched in front of him, just in case he had missed a trap.

“Why is this maze so much bigger?” Jack complained as he switched torches for the fourth time. “I solved the other ones in half the time!” Or maybe, he realized, time seemed to go faster in the dark. The unsettling feeling that something was wrong grew when he switched to his fifth torch. 

At the dungeon's entrance, he had run into trap after trap. Why had it been such a long time since he’d sprung a trap? Had the evil pyramid realized that he was making money off it and wanted to end Jack’s ransacking spree? Or had it designed this maze with particularly long safe stretches to lower his guard?

He was beginning to sound like Babu, referring to the pyramid as if it were a living thing. The truth was that the pyramid had some computer program running it, so, in a sense, it was intelligent. That made it OK for Jack to resort to name-calling. “Stupid, stupid pyramid. I think I see what you’re doing.”

Jack grabbed a handful of [Tin Darts] from his inventory. He dropped one on the ground and kept walking. As he reached a turn, he again dropped a dart. After walking for half a torch’s durability, the torch's light was reflected off a shiny object on the ground. Jack squatted and picked up a dart he’d dropped earlier. He knew it! The pyramid had him walking in circles!

If a maze’s walls were all connected, his lazy method of always turning right worked, but if parts of the maze were disconnected and they had ‘islands’, he would end up walking in circles.

“Pyramid! I bet that the pharaoh who had you made hated you. You were probably his least favorite pyramid!” Jack shouted out against the dungeon master. It just felt relaxing to trash-talk the computer program. For the first time since he’d started running mazes, Jack was forced to turn left.

Jack slapped himself a few times, reminding himself that from here on out, there would be fresh traps he could still trigger. Sure enough, after a few turns, he spotted the ominous thin shade of death. He smacked the trigger with his quarterstaff, and arrows shot across the corridor.

Once Jack started finding active traps, he resumed turning right. If he noticed that he couldn’t find traps for a while, he would again throw darts to the ground to ensure he wasn’t stuck in a loop. Fortunately, he didn’t need to do it because he soon found a chest.

“You ain’t so tough, are you, Piri?” he shouted. “That’s what I’ll call you, Piri, because you are so cute.”

Laughing, he kicked the rusty chest, cracked the lid open, and retrieved his rewards.

Congratulations! You’ve completed Ancient Maze III!

+800xp

Level up!

You’ve received 5x[Basic Torch].

You’ve received [Ragged Cape].

Ragged Cape (Common)

Description: A torn fabric that can be worn around your neck to make you slightly heroic or poorer.

Durability: 10 

Effects: +1% movement speed

Restrictions: Lvl. 1. 

It was yet another trash piece of equipment, but it was better than nothing. Jack put it around his neck and felt like he was wearing a burned, holed baby’s bib backward. Whatever. At least it helped him move a little faster. He also got the XP he needed to level up again. As Jack was transported out of the pyramid, he headed toward the marketplace.

Even though it was a drag to come to the marketplace between dungeon runs, he guessed it was good practice. Having a free inventory could go a long way. The darts he had put for sale earlier had already sold out, and he gained two silvers in profit. He proceeded to list the nearly spent torches, the arrows, and the darts. The profit offered was two silver and a few coppers in change.

Satisfied, Jack ran back to the pyramid and checked the listings.

Welcome to Embersgate Dungeon!

Select one of the following dungeons to begin an exciting new adventure:

• Piri’s Cute Maze I

• Infested Ruins

• Unlikely Alliance

• Quiet Storm

Completed:

• Ancient Maze I~III

Jack’s mouth gaped open, and his eyes widened. What on earth was going on? Why did the next level of dungeons have such a suspicious name? This was uncanny. Had he offended the computer program with his endless complaints? Or was it just a huge coincidence?

Out of curiosity, Jack broke his cousin-imposed rule and opened an internet browser to look for information on the pyramid. He wrote ‘sentient pyramid new earth’ and soon found an interesting post.

Are Pyramids Smart In the Game?

Hi everyone! I'm a new player in New Earth. I’ve just noticed pyramid dungeons seem to have a twisted sense of humor. It’s just a feeling, but the pyramid seems to pick up on whatever I do on one level and adapts itself to counteract my strategy on the next. Has anyone else felt this, too?

HairyHarry: Haha. Oh, yes. That’s what makes them fun!

KrakensJenna: Yes! You can use it to your advantage, too. There’s this guy famous for making funny videos of himself dating the pyramid, giving it flowers and chocolates, and showing how that makes the runs a little easier.

IronIreWilson: Word of advice: don’t antagonize the pyramid program. I have a friend with a nasty temper who keeps cursing and taunting the pyramid, and it makes his life miserable. 

“Interesting,” Jack mumbled. That’s why the pyramid had changed the name of the upcoming maze to fit Jack’s insults. He wondered whether he should do as the guy described on the post, and bring a peace offering to the pyramid so that it would let him off easily. But, for some reason, he couldn’t help himself. Teasing the dungeon master like this seemed more fun. 

Grinning, he boldly chose the whimsically named dungeon. “Let’s see what you can do, Piri.” His figure was transported to whatever was prepared as revenge for his snarky remarks. As Jack grabbed the torch from his inventory, the first thing that struck him was that the yellowed stone had changed to pink—bright, flashy pink—something one would find in a five-year-old girl's bedroom. 

“What in the world?” Jack let out. Was this Piri's response to him calling her cute? Jack didn't even know why he considered the pyramid a she. But there was something about its twisted sense of humor and how she played hard to get, that inevitably made him think of a woman. The bright pink only cemented his impression.

This time, Jack wasn’t placed at a crossroads but in a dead end of the maze. He didn't know if this was supposed to mean anything, but it looked like he had a clear starting point this time. Jack inspected the floor, looking for anything suspicious, but he didn't find any tripwires or raised stones. 

He began his march. As Jack arrived at the first bifurcation, he decided to play this differently and turn left. If Piri was paying so much attention to everything he did, he had to start throwing her off a little. Instead of always turning right, he would start turning left. 

It seemed like a satisfying payback for how Piri painted the dungeon from a mild and lackluster yellow into a vivid and annoying pink. Reaching another intersection, he turned left. Weirdly, he hadn't come across any traps so far, but he didn’t dare let his guard down. After all, this dungeon was supposed to be more difficult than the previous one. 

The torch finally revealed something that he hadn't seen in a long time. There was a hieroglyph on the wall. It was a weirdly fluffy creature that looked disgusting and cute at the same time. It had bright yellow fur with green polka dots and, at the very center of its face, one giant cat-like eye. 

“What in the world is this?” Jack asked. “Piri, you are terrible at drawing.”

Here was a clue. Just what this clue meant was beyond Jack's comprehension at the moment. Jack searched the game's menu. Many gamers made a living from streaming their gameplay. Therefore, the game came with a series of options that allowed players to take three-dimensional screenshots and even film their whole in-game experience. 

When he rented his VR helmet, the salesman warned him that this older, more limited model couldn't record more than ten hours of gameplay. 

“Wait a minute!” Jack began sweating profusely and his mouth felt dry. Now that he thought of it, his helmet was also pink! Had all pink objects come together in some sort of conspiracy to force their flashiness down his throat? Could some of the hardware’s pinkiness have leaked into the computer program that runs the pyramid?

He was being silly. He cleared his throat, calmed himself down, and got his head back in the game. All he needed was to take a photograph of this painting. While looking straight at the picture, he called out in a loud, clear voice: 

“Screen capture.” 

You’ve taken a picture. Saved into your VR’s helmet memory.

After saving the silly hieroglyph, Jack left. He turned around and kept turning left. By now, he had relaxed somewhat. Chances were that if there hadn’t been any traps so far, there wouldn't be any more. Maybe this was part of Piri’s revenge against him. Maybe she could see him running to the marketplace after each dungeon run and raking in profit from all the precious projectiles that failed to kill him. 

For a moment, Jack pondered whether he should visit more distant marketplaces after future dungeon runs just so Piri wouldn’t keep an eye on everything he was doing. After another turn he stumbled upon this maze’s chest. 

“That was easy,” he said. It was so soon!

In the Ancient Maze series of dungeons, chests lived up to their dungeons’ name. They had looked ancient, rusted, barely hanging on for their dear life against the weathering effect of passing ages. 

This chest, too, stayed within the motif of its maze. It was covered in yellow, polka-dotted fur, just like what he'd seen in the hieroglyphic creature painted on the wall earlier. Jack couldn't help but feel it was a little ridiculous and sickeningly cute. Jack tried to open the lid. He groaned with effort, but the lid didn't budge. 

“What in the world? It’s locked!?!” After a few moments, he clicked his tongue. “That’s why Rob told me about locksmiths.” 

Jack searched the chest for keyholes. Instead, he found three dials placed on the back side of the chest. Each had a tiny hole in one of the edges. In the hole, there was a letter. On all three dials, the lock was set to the letter A. As he spun the dial, he noticed how every letter of the alphabet had been included. 

“Now what?” It looked like the padlocks he’d used at school to close his locker. If he triggered the right combination in all three dials, the chest would open. What was it, though? There were 26 letters in the alphabet and three dials. That made it possible for him to write hundreds of possible three-letter words. Jack experimented with the first word that came to his mind. D-U-D. It was a perfect word to describe Piri.

Nothing happened, and the dial reset. Jack bit his lip. Here he was in front of the chest, his ticket to free XP and the next challenge. Piri had gone out of her way to make this dungeon annoying. Finding the chest wasn’t enough anymore. He also had to find the combination that would open it. 

Ch. 21 - Maze Running

INDEX

Ch. 23 - Flying Boot