⛤ February Q&A (Patreon)

As I am writing this, I am winding down with some late night cleaning. My clothes are in the laundry and I am taking a break from washing the dishes. Does anyone else use the dishwasher as a drying rack for handwash-only dishes? We have a lot of cookware, bakeware and utensils that either can't go in the dishwasher or don't fit in the dishwasher. And with how much I cook and bake, I end up hand washing dishes every night anyway. But I'll be damned if I have to dry them, too. No, no. The air can do that. The effort vs return on that job seems highly unbalanced. Besides, I have questions to answer! I realize I am a bit late for February, but I seem to have a hard time adjusting into another month of almost-spring-but-still-freezing-every-other-day. I hope you didn't mind the extended opportunity to ask a question.

What’s your favorite comfort food to cook? Spaghetti carbonara. I use an authentic Italian recipe but I double the garlic and parmesan because I'm that bitch. Jack asks for it all the time to the point where I struggle to find uses for all the leftover egg whites. It is wildly delicious and hearty so I can see why he's such a fan. I think I've made that meal more than I made any other meal since I moved here.

What do you usually do to prepare yourself before you start recording your videos? First, I have to do a full face of makeup. People often assume that just because you don't see me with a thick smokey eye or black lipstick, I must not be wearing any makeup or minimal makeup. This could not be further from the truth. Under the constant scrutiny of the 4k camera, I have to make sure I look as flawless as possible. That includes a full skincare routine so you can't see my skin flaking under the foundation. Then I have to do my hair and because it never looks the same on camera as it does in the mirror, I go back and forth between the bathroom and my set for up to an hour until my hair doesn't look like shit anymore. Then I have to take a break because I'm probably exhausted from doing all that and figuring out the lighting situation, which amounts to a similar, though usually longer process. By that time, I am glad that I dub my videos because fuck if I have to do all of that for the sound, too. I honestly have my work cut out for me just making it in front of the camera and remembering my lines lol. The way I put pressure on myself to get things just right, it really helps to remove variables wherever possible. But it is imperative that after doing all that, I can relax enough to get into character - and sometimes that's the longest process of them all because I suck at task switching. I have been known to have mental breakdowns over not being able to perform because I failed to place enough importance on this step in the past. And even now I'm still learning what all I need in the creation process to remain in a positive headspace and bring good energy into my work. This is going to take unlearning the horrible association I have with work as a result of overtaxing myself for so many years, aswell as the crippling fear of failure that goes in tandem with the pressure I put on myself to perform and do well every single time. Over time I have learned to be easier on myself and tend to my own needs before, during and after filming. I will take regular breaks and walk around, hydrate, lie down if my back hurts, have a snack so I can focus and create a relaxing mood for myself before I can create a relaxing mood for you. I think I used to think of work in general as a torturous place where I am unable to meet my needs and/or chastised for doing so. Have you ever tried laying down or getting up and pacing in an office setting? Bringing a blanket because you're always cold? It's frowned upon at best and cause for a write-up at worst. These little discomforts add up to a state of abject misery by the time you add hunger and a full bladder to an agonizing inability to regulate body temperature, social anxiety, general agitation, back pain, exhaustion and screen fatigue. But in most job settings, "looking professional" is regarded as more important than the basic human needs of employees and so I have formed this bond in my brain between "being at work" and "being forced to perform despite feeling utterly miserable". If I wasn't miserable, I wasn't working hard enough. No one told me that it is actually possible to be working and also be comfortable. Now I have gone from a job where I had to smile through wanting to die inside to a job where you guys constantly tell me to take care of myself and not overwork myself, but the association is still there. I really want to rewrite that expectation in my head so hopefully someday I can feel like I'm doing alright and everything is going alright at work. And maybe even that I am enough and doing enough by doing what I love. That's for the self-care aspect of preparing myself. Then, I have to read my script at least a few times and practice my lines. I practice saying them in different ways until I feel like I know what I'm doing. Though I will still refer to my script throughout the recording process and only memorize one paragraph at a time so I can focus on acting. (That's hard enough and often requires several takes per scene.) Then I shoot a few test clips to see if everything from the camera setup to the lighting to my look to my mannerisms are good and acceptable and then I'm finally ready to start shooting. One eternity later...

Do you have any advice on what to do when things in life seem to be overwhelming? Boy do I ever! You asked the right person, as I consider myself an expert on feeling overwhelmed in life. Sometimes life just hits us with more curveballs than we know how to manage, problems we never thought we'd have and often things take a different turn than you believed they would. Sometimes our responsibilities take so much from us that we have no energy left for the many surprises life presents us with and the chaos around us that we thought we were finally managing well grows to unmanageable levels. Sometimes the control you thought you had over yourself and your surroundings turns out to be an illusion and for our saftey-driven mind that comes as a harsh shock. No one wants to feel out of control and people will go to great lengths to preserve this illusion of control, including but not limited to, blame other people, lash out at other people, abuse substances, abuse their children, self-harm and murder. If you aren't guilty of any of these things, know that you're actually doing really well considering. That being said, the loss of control in itself is an incredibly disconcerting state to be in and should never be minimized. Feeling overwhelmed, overburdened and shaken directly threatens your sense of safety and can damage your psyche if left unaddressed.

So first of all, I want you to know that you are having a natural human reaction to a situation you were not prepared for. I also want you to know that anyone would be overwhelmed in your place. It is not a personal failure and should never be regarded as one. I thought that needed to be said, as we collectively tend to expect too much of ourselves when it comes to braving life's many challenges. Secondly, reflect on what is really going on. How are you feeling? Why are you feeling this way? What are you reacting to? What are your concerns? What are you afraid of? Understanding the thought process behind the feeling of overwhelm helps to re-establish a sense of control in being able to wrap your mind around the chaos inside it. Third, focus on the things you can control. When I am overwhelmed, it helps to find something immediate that I can act on and improve, whether it is related to the issue or not. For example - if I am overwhelmed by the idea of filming a video, I remove that expectation entirely. Instead, I stick to preparing for filming a video with no intention of actually doing it that day. I work on a set, get all the things and props I will need, charge my batteries, make sure I have room on my SD cards, read my script just to get it in my head. Then, the next time I come back to it, it won't feel so overwhelming because I already did most of the work. Different example - If I am overwhelmed by too many areas of my life not going the way I want, seeming hopeless or impossible to manage, I like to pursue a thing I call "messing with reality". I will do something, create something or fix something completely unrelated to any of my problems just because I can. I have turned many, many of my frustrations into delicious confections. Cleaning in those situations has the added benefit of soothing the mind, as you are removing stale energy and burdensome thoughts at the same time. But doing anything for the sake of doing something will shift your focus from the things outside of your control to the things within your control, creating a sense of stability in the here and now. Fourth, reconsider your life choices. Overwhelming situations almost always carry within them the opportunity to become clear about your choices and priorities. I find that it helps me to think about and reaffirm or maybe reconsider what is really important to me and what I can live without. I am the type of person who wants to do everything, every day. The day never has enough hours for all the things I had planned. And when things get very overwhelming, we have to figure out what really matters now. Knowing this will invite inner peace to take hold, even in the most challenging circumstances. Your realization will create a focal point in the directionless chaos you have found yourself in and maybe your soul will even allow you to feel that you have what it takes to weather this storm. I hope this helps.

I’m curious Ally, do you have any rite massage oils? I make my own enchanted body/massage oils with olive oil and selected essential oils based on my intention. My current favorite is one I call 'glamour' with rose, lavender, sweet orange, frankincense and rosemary oils. It's infused with yerba santa, rosebuds and catnip for some lovely beauty magic and it smells like my idea of a vintage glamour model.

Have you ever made candles? What is favourite candle scent? I have dabbled in candle crafting from scrap wax but I wasn't very good at it. Maybe I should take a class. It's hard to pick a favorite candle scent but in general, I like non-food scents. Because I cook and bake so much, I get kinda sick of smelling sweet things. Don't get me started on food-scented hygiene products. They are the bane of my existence. I do, however, enjoy everything coffee scented. If I have to pick from just my candle drawer, I think the kona coffee wax melts from hobby lobby are my favorite scent. But not far behind are all my woodsy and musky scents, like the fig and spruce candle from walmart and the italian bergamot and sandalwood candle from hobby lobby.

Have you ever seen the Scream movies and do you have a preference? I think I have a long time ago, but I didn't find them interesting enough to care.

What kind of Netflix shows does Jack usually watch? We usually watch the same shows with dinner every night, so a lot of thrillers and sci-fi. A lot of K-dramas like Sisyphus, Hotel del Luna, Bad and Crazy, Hellbound, Possessed, The Guest, The Cursed, Tomorrow, and my favorite so far - Inspector Koo. (Though Bad and Crazy is a strong contender!) The only thing Jack has watched that I haven't is Wednesday - I just can't make myself suffer through this nonsense. I want to love it so bad because it's the Addams Family but everything is just ... wrong. The writing is too try-hard, the whole character of Wednesday is written just to be edgy, her lines are not even clever, and the roommate from hell is one of the devils who tortures souls in eternal damnation just by existing. Morticia has no elegance or mystique, Gomez went from being a classy mobster looking gentleman to a goofy chump that is impossible to take seriously and Pugsley has been reduced from comic relief to a bullied emo kid who doesn't seem to add anything to the story. That's why I've decided it isn't worth my time. Jack also watches the Walking Dead at work sometimes. From what I understand he is not super invested in the show, but it's more interesting than work most of the time.

Ally I have a rather busy mind that likes to move rather quickly from one thought to another like a slide projector pretty much every hour of the day. Was wondering if you know something that will make it easier to wind down? I have the same kind of mind and the only thing that helps me wind down is a very immersive hobby. Video games in particular really capture my attention because they are interactive and offer instant mental stimulation, though they can make me very upset if I can't create exactly what I want so it's not always relaxing. Reading is just as immersive if that's your thing, so I recommend reading a book that you're interested in. It won't work if you don't care about what you're reading. But rather than passive listening to a video or an audio book, the act of focusing your eyes and holding a physical book and constructing a mental image from black ink on white paper captures enough of my attention that the distracting thoughts quiet down after a while. Or you can take another approach and immerse yourself in physical rather than mental stimuli. A warm bath can work wonders to calm your mind as it engages your senses while simultaneously feeling very pleasant. And so can exercise, except for walking. I find that walking helps me to process my thoughts, but not quiet them. Exercise that requires my consistent attention, however, does. I do 20 to 30 minutes of strength training nearly every night before bed. I will usually watch a video with that because I can't risk feeling bored for even one second, but the exercises I do stimulate both my body and mind enough to not be thinking about anything else. My usual exercises include planks, side planks, glute bridges, lady push-ups, and side leg raises. If I am very bored I will use resistance bands and do different kinds of movements for largely the same muscle groups. I hope that helps because that's all I got. I, myself, am not very good at this winding down thing... but these are the things I've found to be most helpful.

Whew, this post actually took me several nights to write. It was a deep one. You really asked some loaded questions this month and I hope my answers will prove helpful or at least interesting. There will be a new question dump here shortly if you thought of anything else. The last thing I will do for the night is cook an order of kiwi and pineapple jam and then exercise and attempt to sleep. I've been trying to go back to a daywalker schedule again because I miss spending time with Jack (he is a morning person, it's actually stupid, I can't keep that man in bed past 3AM sometimes) but everytime I get woken up in the morning, say, by a little kitty cat begging for tap water, it takes me forever to go back to sleep but I'm too tired to get up so I toss and turn for hours and sleep in until the afternoon anyway. I just can't win. All I want is a little more time to get things done between rolling out of bed and cooking dinner. For the man who has been up since 3 in the morning and will fall asleep the second his tummy is full. That must be where the cat gets it. Snack time is always followed by nap time. Unless I'm doing something, then she must remind me that she is, in fact, the most important thing in the world. Cats, am I right?

I hope spring comes for you sooner rather than later and that you have a good tax season. 🍸