⛥ July Q&A (Patreon)

Today is a very exciting day for me as I am developing my peaches and cream white chocolate truffle recipe. I've spent the morning melting chocolate and baking peaches, though the solidity is a little unpredictable due to all the extra stuff I've added. If they should set up to a desirable, firm yet malleable, consistency within a few hours, they shall be rolled and coated in toasted crushed almonds. If the mixture remains too soft to shape, I will try heating it again and adding more chocolate. Flavor wise, the peach jam and baked peaches seem to cut the rich sweetness of Belgian white chocolate beautifully, creating a decadent, yet balanced truffle with a sweet vanilla aroma and refreshing fruity note. I have a great many recipe ideas, but have to restrain myself from trying to make them all today. As it happens, I enjoy making things more so than consuming the things I make. There will be a time and a place for cherry coffee whiskey truffles and mexican spice truffles and pumpkin spice caramel pecan truffles but today is not that day. Today is a day for posting content. Part of which are your exceptionally interesting questions this month: 

About the wands, I live in Canada, it's outside of USA but still close enough to not pay a lot for the shipping fees. I'd still be interested into buying one :) What is your birthday? I can keep an eye out for the best materials for you. Thank you for considering it.

What do you do to channel your anger? Witchcraft. Normally I would use my anger to seek resolve in a particular issue - eliminate the cause of my anger, reflect on my own wounds, correct the injustice etc. But every so often the matter may be out of my immediate control - that's when I turn to invisible forces to balance the scales. 

Can you please name 3 characteristics you cherish the most about yourself? Sure. One of my favorite things about myself is my undying tenacity. Some call it stubbornness. I just know when I want to accomplish something, nothing's gonna stand in my way. That's how I ended up here after 3 years of fighting with the govt-corp... It goes both ways, however. If I don't feel passionately about doing something, nothing can make me do it.  
Another is my immunity to emotional manipulation. Growing up under the care of a hopeless narcissist has made me hyperaware of all kinds of types of emotional abuse, manipulation and blackmail. I very much appreciate that I will not bow to anyone, nor cave under any amount of pressure from people who seek to guilt, shame or threaten me into submission or compliance. They will kill me before they break me. I used to date someone and was invited to a birthday party of one of their acquaintances. It was clear their ex-girlfriend and her new partner would be present but my ex's friend talked us into coming anyway, as it sounded like they really wanted to meet me. We walked into the venue holding hands (nothing more) and their ex-girlfriend threw a fucking fit. It was clear she was very much used to having 100% authority and ownership over my ex and tried to "appeal to my conscience about my outrageous behavior" (the outrageous behavior = holding hands). I was having none of it and ended the argument before it began by calmly letting her know that I do not possess such a thing. Shut her up real fast. Of course I have a conscience, I just won't be made to feel bad for holding the hand of the person I love. I take pride in my refusal to be controlled. Be it by societal norms or some motherfucker who has no business with my business.
And a last one I will mention is the fact that I'm not a bully. When my self-esteem is particularly low, I remind myself of that. Even in moments when I can't think very highly of myself, I can acknowledge that at least I am not someone who goes out of their way to cause harm to another or even as much as show insolence. That's not to say that I won't retaliate when I've been hurt or wronged. Just that I do not harbor malice against innocent people - nor do I gain any sense of personal power from bringing somebody down. As someone who has been bullied for most of their life, I understand too well that cruelty ≠ power. I think basic human respect goes a long way. 

Have you ever tried archery? Not outside of a ren fair. 

Do you have any experience with healing powers? Yes. I possess great curiosity for the healing powers of plants, minerals and music and can see myself exploring these topics for a great while, aswell as pursuing my innate gift of energy work. The reason why I make this the topic of so many of my livestreams is because 1 - everyone likes it and 2 - it's easy. What intrigues me even more than natural cures however, is "supernatural" cures. Magic so powerful it can instantly erase even lethal wounds, evaporate tumors and make it as if the affliction had never been there. Where can I take a class for that? 

I would definitely like to commission a wand, and would pay above market rate, but I don't know what that is. Anyway, you described "energy manipulation" last month, what I am curious to know is if you perceive any differences in the, I guess you could call it the background mana distribution, where you are now as opposed to previously? A wand is a tool in witchcraft used to direct energy. And yes. Even though I'm not sure what to attribute it to, I noticed on my very first day here that the general energy of this place was very peaceful and free compared to the constricting, suffocating energy where I used to live in Germany. I am also under the impression that this city doesn't have this distinct vampiric quality to it that Regensburg used to have. I used to just feel hostility and energy vampires everywhere. This goes for other places, too, though Regensburg takes the cake for hostility towards anyone who is poor, foreign or eccentric. Over here, nothing preys on you to suck you dry until you remain but a shell of yourself. Figuratively speaking. You don't have to fight off 87 pan handlers on your way from the stone bridge to the station. Everybody just minds their business and leaves you alone unless they feel the urge to compliment you. I believe the abundance of nature and wildlife greatly contributes to the overall positive energy that I, myself, have found to be extraordinarily healing. Of course there is toxicity everywhere - at some point you will come across someone who smells like trouble. But generally I've found it to be an accepting, warm and positive place. This is reflected in improvements in my mental health and energy levels - I used to never seem to be able to find the energy to accomplish even the most basic tasks. Now, I am brimming with energy and yearning to put it into all kinds of things. It's almost as if living in a place that doesn't constantly hammer in the subconscious message that you're filth who doesn't deserve to exist just for being who you are, improves your mental health? Idk tho, I'm obviously not an authority to speak on my behalf -/sarcasm

This is my first post ever and I'm a new patron. Hopefully you can give insight to this situation.  I've been having a hard time coming to terms with my previous relationship with my father. He's a narcissist and always wanted to give me the best experiences and things in life. But it always came at a price. If I slipped up, the whole world would come crashing on me. I've cut off communication with him entirely. Since moving out, I have gotten rid of pretty much everything that he's ever bought me except for some of my most important things. Even though I live away from him, I feel like I can never escape. Always feeling watched. I feel bad for keeping those prized possessions. Any thoughts on how I can overcome this? My friend, I know this issue too well. Since I don't know your story, I can only give general advice, so I hope what I'm about to tell you will prove helpful to you. If you care to elaborate, it would be useful to know what you understand by "If I slipped up, the whole world would come crashing on me." But from what it sounds like, your father used "giving you the best experiences" as a bribe for compliance and supply. Being exposed to this toxic energy, it makes sense that you are now fighting to free yourself from your father's grip. It also sounds like he is particularly controlling and scrutinizing. I don't know what your prized possessions are, but good on you for getting rid of everything you didn't need with his energy attached to it. I totally did the same after I finally moved out. From my experience, it helps a lot to let go of "mementos", objects that hold energies from and ties to people and things that are stunting our growth. It is essentially a mental, emotional and physical cleanse and a way to make room for healing. I'd like to know why you feel like you can never escape. Do you think he might actually be stalking you/trying to reach you or have you simply grown paranoid because you've always had to watch your back around him? Or is it that you have internalized his scrutiny and criticism and are fighting your father within your own mind? I will tell you right now that it takes time and determination to break cycles of abuse, but it is the only way forward. Lucky for you, you are wired for healing and you will automatically move in the direction of healing, given the opportunity. Moving out was a solid move (haha get it?) and going no contact was probably the most self-loving thing you ever did.
I think one technique that can help you let go of the memories and un-learn the stress and anxiety is to remind yourself, as often as you can, that this chapter of your life has ended. It will not feel that way right away, so don't expect to feel differently the first time you do this. Remind yourself that these memories are in the past and then look around you at the present. Look how far you've come, look at the signs of progress, and just let that sink in. Whenever you have an intrusive thought, do this. Whenever you're idly doing something, do this. This is not meant to suppress or deny the thoughts and feelings that surface, I want you to invite them and feel them - but also remind your traumatized self that this is not happening anymore and you won't let it happen again.
As for the prized possessions, ask yourself why you're holding on to them. I know how poisonous it can feel to just have something in your space that the narcissist has touched, but if you can't let something go, think on it and figure out every reason why. This is the association you want to have with those items, not the fact that your father gave them to you. Are you holding on because you need it and can't afford to replace it yet? Think on all the ways it is useful to you and is helping you lead the life you want to lead. Does it have sentimental value? Think on what it means to you and why you cherish it so much. Do this every time you see/use the items - and it helps if you touch them while you think. Over time, you won't be triggered by the objects anymore. If you're into witchcraft, sage everything. Set the intention to remove any energy from everyone who has ever touched the objects to return them to their natural state (just objects that fulfill a use). Sage yourself, too, while you're at it - with the intention to remove any lingering energy that belongs to your father. Wear an obsidian or tiger's eye on you every day, sleep with it under your pillow or next to your bed and sage it every week.
If therapy is something you are considering, I think it's worth it looking for a good therapist to help you through those emotional triggers. But I completely understand that depending on where you are, you may not have access to one very easily. If that is the case, I want you to know that you can absolutely overcome this trauma without going to therapy. I've done it just by reflecting obsessively for a decade. You could also try talking to someone trustworthy. The validation we receive from someone who understands and believes us can be incredibly healing, especially when we've been gaslit about every part of our experience all our life.
Aside from that, the best you can do is stand your ground against anyone who may serve as a trigger for your deepest wounds. Sooner or later, you will find yourself in a situation similar to the one you've left behind that the same kinds of emotions resurface once more. And to break the pattern, you will have to stand your ground, be clear what you will and will not tolerate and enforce boundaries. This will prove to your entire system that you are now a different person who makes different choices and will shift your feeling state from the old wounded state to the new healing state.
I hope this helps, for more personalized advice I require context. 

What did Do you think of your first US Independence Day here? Did you get to go to Local fireworks show? No, we didn't make it that far. On the actual day, we had a fun outing playing cards against humanity with friends and were too tired in the evening to go do anything else. I thought it was noisier than usual and it was kinda annoying to have to listen to fireworks every day for two weeks straight. July 4 is mine and Jack's friendship anniversary so I think it was a day well spent making friends as a couple. 

Are you interested in history? Depends on the history. The shit they put in school textbooks? No. Somehow they've always reeked of bullshit to me. I am moderately interested in ancient civilizations (talk Atlantis, ancient Egypt, the Mayans etc.) and ancient flora and fauna. It's inspiring to imagine how nature might have looked thousands and thousands of years ago. And of course, haunted history! I like to hear about the context and history of any paranormal location and haunted object. 

Have you and Jack ever been to any haunted old manor houses in Missouri? The Lemp Mansion has been our only haunted destination so far, but we are working on adding to that. 

Do you have a theory as to why some people choose to suffer in silence rather than to confide to their loved ones? Speaking from personal experience here. Sure. The cost can prove far too high. Maybe we fear that our loved ones will judge us or that we will let them down. Maybe we are traumatized and afraid to show anything we consider a weakness. Maybe we fear what we have to say will not be received well. Maybe we feel as though we are a burden on others and avoid putting on them at all cost. Maybe we do not wish to be seen at our worst. Maybe to speak up would mean to hurt or betray someone dear to us. There are many reasons why one might choose to keep ones troubles to oneself. 

You’ve mentioned before when you worked at the hair salon you used to give hand massages to customers so I take it you must be quite good at it? I'm a very decent masseuse, more so if I try. Funny enough, when massaging, I happen to experience the same phenomenon as with energy work - as in, I can feel on myself what I'm doing to the other person. That helps me adjust my technique based on what I feel. At the time though, that was just what everyone did. We massaged for tips whenever we had a free minute. 

Do you like spring rolls? Yes. They're crunchy and delicious. 

I’ve figured out what’s triggering my anxiety/panic attacks and I’m trying to figure out what the next step is do you have any advice? Well, I don't know what triggers your anxiety attacks, so I can only give general advice. I would see if there's any way you can disarm the trigger.
Is it something that comes up that is out of your control? See if there is a way to avoid the situation and implement self-care and emotional regulation. Maybe a lifestyle change of some sort is necessary.
If another person is triggering you, try talking to them about it and see if you can work out a way to not do that.
If intrusive thoughts are triggering you, I suggest making mindfulness a habit.
Listen to the thoughts, feel the feelings, but be aware that they are thoughts and feelings - not a dire emergency - and bring yourself back into the present moment.
If social situations are triggering your anxiety, figure out why. What bad thing do you think will happen if you are in a social situation? Ask yourself if your assumption is likely to actually happen. Ask yourself what you think instead is actually likely to happen. Give yourself a reality check.
If body memories and trauma anniversaries are triggering you, sit with the feeling and let your body process those memories. It'll be over faster and over time the impact will lessen. Furthermore, you will learn that you can actually handle these emotions and they will begin to lose their charge.
If it's something recurring you absolutely cannot avoid or attempts to disarm the trigger have failed, it is best to start by stabilizing your baseline, to make you more secure and grounded in general so any triggers that come up don't throw you off entirely. This involves things like eating well, drinking enough water, sleeping enough, meditating, practicing breathing exercises, reflection, de-cluttering, cleaning your room/house, active self-care, spending time alone in nature, positive self-talk, spending more time with loved ones and generally spending more time doing things that make you feel at ease. Maybe reading books or looking for rocks by the river or coloring pictures draws you in and makes you forget the world for a while? Those are great meditative practices to cultivate positive emotion. See if you can improve any of these areas of your life. Listen to music and watch TV shows that make you feel good. You want to introduce feelings of ease and security as much as humanly possible. Over time, your baseline will shift and you will become stronger against any negative feelings.
For more personalized advice I would need more context. 

How much did you experiment before you discovered your ASMR voice? I'm not sure what you mean by "experiment". I only have one voice. Though it took me a while to move on from copying the tone of voice of the ASMR videos I used to watch. This is something I have no control over, it happens completely subconsciously. I blame it on moving to a different country as a toddler. Being forced to adjust to a different language at such an early age, I'm sure wired my brain for instantly copying any tone of voice and accent I hear. With developing my own style, however, it just so happened that my pitch dropped by five notes. Even before I knew what ASMR was, I knew I had a relaxing voice. And I hated it. Since I love to sing and I've always wanted to sing the type of songs I like to listen to (metal and alt rock), this weak, soft voice hasn't been doing me any favors. I wanted to leave an impression on people with my music and I wanted to make them feel something. Instead I found out pretty quickly that if I sing... People want to go to sleep. I have been compared to a jigglypuff and now I'm proud to say I'm a professional jigglypuff. 

What kind of songs do you usually sing when you’re alone? Any song I know the lyrics to - and I know the lyrics to any song that I listen to frequently enough. Eventually they just stick. Usually, something will happen that makes me think of a song and that's what I'll be singing for the next hours/days or until the next song takes its place. Looked at the moon for more than 5 seconds? "You can try to resist, try to hide from my kiss, but you know, but you know that you... can't fight the moonlight..." Ruminated on something to the point where it's no longer helpful? "Don't analyze, don't analyze, don't go that way, don't live that way... that will paralyze your evolution..." Someone annoys me? "I'm sick and tired of people like you... You think you're clever but you haven't a clue... A two watt lightbulb is brighter than you... I'm sick and tired of people like you" Seeing what fellow creators have made? "All those beautiful people, I want to have them, I want to have them all... All those porcelain models, if only I could make them fall... Be my heart a well of love... Flowing free so far above..." Shit just goes on all day. Music is one way I process emotions so if I am feeling particularly charged, for good or bad, I will put on some appropriate songs to sing along. And sometimes I will sing songs just because they are fun to sing. Call Me When You're Sober by Evanescence is one of those fun to sing songs, as is Nymphomaniac Fantasia by Nightwish. 

How did you  find the inspiration for the Shiki-Lucy horror video? I needed a character who sings for ASMR purposes so I went with something classy for her appearance. And then I needed actual video material other than singing, so I ran with the first tragic backstory of becoming a Shiki my brain spat out. And that's Lucy. I wonder if she should come sing at the next blood banquet?

Are you good at reading people? Apparently not. I used to think I was, though. I used to always let my heart guide me when it came to people - naively thinking that if I liked them and felt drawn to them, then they were good people who would never hurt me. But our hearts don't always lead us to fun and happiness. Sometimes they lead us to harsh, yet important, life lessons. When I first meet someone, I couldn't tell you the first thing about them aside from what they look like. Be there a gut feeling or not, I try not to make assumptions about a person, for looks can be deceiving. I know this first hand, as I have a little thing called resting bitch face. People often think I'm giving them the "death stare", when this is just how my face is. So I like to give people opportunity to show me who they are. It is only when I become close with someone, when I have spent a lot of time with them and know them inside and out - that I am able to read them, to the point of reading their actual minds on occasion. 

How much do you know about Scandinavia? Not a lot. It's uh... Finland, Sweden, Denmark and uh... Norway? It's like, really cold. And the sun is either on or off, no in between. Vikings. Reindeer. Semlor. That's about it. 

Do you prefer loose tea leaves, teabags or both? It depends on the tea. I'm definitely not one of those tea snobs who turn their nose up at the mere offer of bagged tea. There's a reason why it's popular - it's convenient and usually not terrible. The one exception I had always noted in Germany was for green tea. The green tea that came in bags always tasted acrid and sour, no matter how badly they tried to cover it up with citrus aromas. Now, I found a pretty wonderful bagged matcha tea at the local Walmart that I enjoy almost every day. Earl Grey is usually good no matter the brand or condition of the leaf. And I do appreciate the convenience as I can have a nice beverage without having to put in the skill and effort required to brew loose tea leaves. As you can imagine, it can certainly be a delicate procedure. Worth it, even fun, I'm sure, for some occasions - but at the end of a long day, what we really want to do is relax and not worry about spoiling our tea with mindless preparation. 

I hope you enjoyed this read - it took me forever and a day to complete but I finally made it. And I'm very much looking forward to any more questions you may have for me which you may post here. Regardless, I hope you have a most enjoyable day or night and that things work out in your favor.