⛥ June Q&A (Patreon)

Good morning folks! I'm sitting here with a fuzzy loaf cat head rest on the sofa, enjoying the fresh morning air just before the earth warms back up to the equivalent of breathing swamp steam. The rain has brought with it humidity levels that my skin thrives in but my lungs don't. Caught up on sleep but still feeling exhausted from being so active and keeping up with chores. As I'm waiting for the no music version of my latest video to finish uploading, I'm ready to wrap the month up and start fresh in July which is only a few days away. I swear I blinked and it's 4 days later! Time flies when you get in the groove of making things. But there's always time for your questions!

Can I buy a wand from you? I'd be more than happy to have my own wand if it was made from you. Where do you live? Outside of the US, the shipping cost may be expensive enough to make you reconsider. Generally I'd be happy to craft a custom wand. Nature provides me with so many wonderful materials to craft with. I just don't want it to turn out too expensive for you having it shipped from overseas. 

Have you ever had a Norwegian forest cat? Not a purebred. Some people have commented that Leo vaguely resembled a Norwegian forest cat with his larger than average frame and abundant fluff. In Russia we were told he was half Persian, but Persian cats are a pretty big status symbol there and I'm sure the merchant would have told us anything to sell a kitten. 

Have you seen Once upon a time? No.

Do you have a favorite fictional dark wizard or witch? I don't watch/read that much fiction so I'm always gonna circle back to the witch that raised a girl from the dead by convincing the sword that decapitated her that it didn't. Forever my rolemodel. Great story.

Do you have a favorite kind of magic? For instance curses, transfiguration or charms? Everything to do with energy manipulation. From healing to glamour to attraction magic, my favorite thing in the world is manipulating energy to create an outcome. Glamour magic has been a key component in me reclaiming my sense of personal power. As someone who was not only raised without a sense of identity by a narcissistic parent, but also bullied and scapegoated by my peers for most of my life, glamour magic was my olive branch in working to establish a sense of self. With glamour magic, I was able to create an image of how I wanted to be seen rather than feeling helpless to how others decided to look at me based on their narrow-minded biases. Now, there's always gonna be people who have an issue with every which way I choose to present. But tapping into different energies and exuding the aura of my choice is immensely empowering to me personally. I don't do it all the time - it can be very draining, especially at the start. But there are energies I've practiced embodying long enough that tapping into them became easy. With enough practice, anything can become second nature. I also enjoy manipulating inanimate objects and their effects. Whether it is giving a purpose to my creations or invoking the magic of the ingredients in an already pre-made thing to cast a spell or something as trivial as changing the energy of soap to give me softer skin - there is a lot of wiggle room in most everyday objects to turn them into something magical. My dream is to have a fully enchanted house one day but it's a big goal - every single item you enchant requires upkeep and its magic fades with time. Now if you look around you and see how many objects you are surrounded by... You'll get a feel for why it's such a big task. 

Have you ever been able to smell things in your dreams? I don't remember any specific instance where smell was part of my dreamscape.

Do you have a theory as to why some people finds it easier to confide in strangers than family members? Speaking from personal experience here. Because strangers have nothing on you. You tell certain things to people who have a role in your life and they'll never look at you the same. They might get mad, write you off as unreasonable, insane, evil - and just like that your relationship is done. They might not believe you and you realize you can't trust them and confide in them like you thought you could. It can stir a whole lot of shit. A lot of people are just stuck with friends and family because they have nowhere to go and the alternative might be cutting everyone off. They might judge us and most times we're one sentence away from falling from grace. Strangers on the other hand have nothing to gain from knowing your problems because they don't know you and probably don't care to know you. And often times, talking to someone who doesn't give a shit is freeing in a way that can't be accomplished by confiding in someone you've built a relationship with where everything could be on the line should you tell them something they didn't want to hear, something that makes them uncomfortable or something that causes them to avoid you. 

You mentioned in the last Q&A you get off on analyzing people’s behavior Is there a particular human behavior that interests you the most? Not so much a behavior as the "why" for any behavior. In my head I always try to figure out "why are you like this" whenever someone mentions anything about themselves. I'm interested in what feelings and perceptions cause them to behave the way they do. 

If you were a psychiatrist or a psychologist what kind of treatment methods do you think you’d most likely be using? Talk therapy. I'm a really good listener. 

Have you read Me Before You? No.

What kind of cat food does Ash eat? She gets a special diet food for her sensitive tummy. But once a day she gets a few treats and every Sunday she gets one shrimp. She really likes it and so far it hasn't caused any problems with her tummy. 

Do people often think You’re Irish? Every now and again someone points out an Irish accent in the comments of my videos but not usually. 

Ohhhh I saw the Planet Zoo reference in your last post. That game got me through lockdown. Do you play? I like Planet Zoo. Not the career mode so much cause I don't like being told what to do and having too many problems hit me at once stresses me out. But my favorite is the challenge mode where I can build my own zoo from the ground up with a budget. I love getting creative with the layout and the maps. My two favorites are the Maple Leaf Wildlife Park and the Myers Rainforest Conservation Project. The latter is a perfect place for my favorite animal in the game - the tapir! Omg they make the cutest little squeaks! I could listen to it all day. They even sound cute when they fight. I love decorating the habitats and breeding lots of cute animals to release them into the wild. If this was real life I would singlehandedly have repopulated every single endangered species on the planet by now lol. 

A while back, you mentioned hitting a new stride in your creative journey. How is the creative flow feeling lately? And does the new environment accommodate/empower it? I've been on a roll with creating things lately, despite my last big project taking up so much of my time and brain cells. I just constantly want to make things. Work on new videos, make decorations, cook food, make aromatherapy oil blends (no that's not just for the video), bake cakes and make truffles and arrange altars... The new environment is my space to roam and being able to do whatever I want whenever I want offers the creative freedom I've always wanted. It can sometimes create a bit of a problem with motivation however because things are generally going well and I have to learn to motivate myself with something other than chaos and calamities. It's a much different approach than how I used to work in Germany. I'm so used to running on stress alone that for a while I've found myself at a loss for motivation. There's admittedly still a lot to be done in the way of furnishing and interior design so everytime I want to create something in particular, I have to build it from the ground up. One of my favorite things is going on nature walks and foraging for materials to use in my crafts. Our "curtain rod" is a branch of cedar we salvaged from a nearby park. I've made similar things out of dogwood a few months ago. The biggest plus is probably being able to get props for videos pretty easily both due to accessibility on this continent and not having to pay two sets of rent and bills every single month. I'm excited for what I'll be able to create with a little more financial freedom than I was able to have in Germany. 

Probably a repeat of someone else — but, favorite Star Trek series and episode/storyline? (Alternatively, a similar type speculative show.) I've never seen Star Trek. I love SciFi but the set in space shows have never been my favorite. I prefer Earth based stories like Fringe, Manifest, 3%, Travelers, Snow Piercer... I guess the closest match would be The 100 and I don't really keep track of episodes but the entire show is stock full of just really hard decisions and consequences that arise from those which is what I love about it. The entire dynamic of the team and how everyone just does what they think is right which usually conflicts with someone else's idea of right and wrong. I will say towards the end the character of Hope is pretty lackluster and the ending is, unfortunately, too wholesome for a series that plays so close by human nature and social dynamics. Compared to all the previous seasons, the utopian "happy ending" is unconvincing, albeit desired. 

Surrealism or Dada? I don't know much about either art forms but Surrealism seems to have more aesthetic examples.

Have you ever been to Australia? No. Australia is a long way off... I've never even been to Asia. We really need to fix that after we finally eradicate Covid

Do you like Greek food? Yes, Greek food is some of the most hearty and satisfying out there. It does have quite a bit of crossover with Arabic foods but you just can't beat some good pita bread with tzatziki. And gyro meat if you like it.  

Does Jack like horror movies? Yes.

Have you found any good restaurants in Missouri yet? A bunch. US restaurants seem so superior to German restaurants, in fact, that I have yet to try something at a restaurant here that I wouldn't get again. 

Do you have a favorite day of the week? Thursday cause that's when we usually go out. 

Do you like horror games? I like watching other people play horror games. I can't survive that shit for anything in the world. 

I’ve been trying to find a way to bring down my emotional walls for quite some time do you have any advice to give? My advice is that you have emotional walls for a reason. Therapy can help you uncover these reasons and open doors to choose differently. But a big part of emotional walls is living in a space that's not emotionally safe. Whether you're bullied, ignored, ridiculed or just dismissed for your emotions, you learn that it's not safe to show your emotions or even feel them. Worse even if that message is reinforced day to day. There's a multitude of other reasons why we build emotional walls but the two main things that are going to help you examine that and progress are reflection (ideally with the help of a professional who knows how to ask the right questions) and building a safe space. I can give you examples from my personal experience so you can compare it to what you're feeling and maybe find a place to start with that: I first started to build emotional walls because I felt my parents were my enemies and failed to consider or act on my best interest. More than that, I felt that my parents were exploiting my emotional attachments, my desires and fears, to try to get me to comply with whatever they wanted. So I learned not to share things with them because anything I said would be used against me and started to actively guard my emotions from my parents. I dissociated from my hopes and desires because it wasn't safe to have them to the point where to this day I instantly go into shock and detach from any emotions everytime someone tries to leverage them against me. It was my way of avoiding being manipulated. Another way I built emotional walls was from being bullied in school where I had to maintain an appearance of being unbothered as a coping mechanism that later turned into serious dissociation. The emotional pain of being subjected to that every day with no way out (my parents forced me to go to school, sick or not) just grew too much to bear and my only way of coping was to completely suppress my emotions and to never ever show so much as an ounce of vulnerability. I've spent years trying to get my emotions back and being able to express them and I still can't do it correctly because to me any genuine/uncontrolled emotion = vulnerability. My coping mechanisms still kick in and vulnerability still triggers my PTSD. It's a long hard road out of hell. The one thing that put me on a better path is moving in with Jack who never judges or attacks me for my emotions. I believe you can't heal in the same environment that made you ill and having a space where you're 100% safe from any attacks and any triggers is crucial if you want to see any progress. And even then you have to take baby steps, maybe start with saying how you feel when you normally wouldn't, get positive reinforcement and let your brain learn over time that these things are safe now. Now, everyone doesn't have a Jack, but a good therapist can do much of the same things. Being in this new environment and removed from everything and everyone that hurt me is so good for me. One time a few weeks ago Jack made me laugh uncontrollably which hasn't happened since I was a child. Of course I was instantly triggered and started sobbing to the point where even the cat pawed at me like "hey... are you ok?" cause opening up doesn't come without a cost. But over time I believe it'll become safe and it'll become a natural way to be. 

In the new Aromatherapy for Sleep video, how much of Jack's cameo was he actually conscious through? Or perhaps he was already asleep from the start? He was awake during his arm modeling gig and we were chatting the entire time. He did say it felt pretty nice. 

That was all of this month's questions - as always there will be a new questions post in July and I hope you enjoyed the answers you got today. I have to go make lunch now and prepare for my second stream but I will see you soon with cool new content. Take care of yourself