coming home (Patreon)

I'm sure some of you have been eager to hear about how life is going after the move. The truth is, I've been quite busy with all aspects of settling in. Between figuring out grocery stores, hunting down necessities of life, searching high and low for affordable furniture (and making our own), exploring our surroundings and the stunning nature we have the privilege of living in and gaining 5 pounds thanks to delicious food and snacks it doesn't take walking up and down a hill to obtain... even for someone who is basically already accustomed to foreign culture, it's a lot to take in. I'm not struggling because past clearing the paperwork and actually making it here, nothing's hard. But why don't we start at the beginning...

It was emotional to say the least. After some great hassle preparing for the move that we had to keep switching the date around for in hopes of dodging ever shifting lockdowns and new, increasingly oppressive covid restrictions in Germany, I decided it would be best to get out as quickly as possible, so as to minimize the chance of random interference from authorities on either side. We've waited and waited and fought too long for a visa to let it expire, I tell you. This exact situation had been the topic of my nightmares for quite some time leading up to the move. Stressful, heartbreaking, anxiety inducing nightmares about being separated from my love even longer by means of natural disasters and nuclear wars. The looming anxiety that, with as unstable as the world seems, at any point, something could happen that would instantly obliterate everything we have fought so hard for. After all, moving overseas in the middle of a pandemic, impending economic collapse and on the brink of war, is the epitome of putting all our eggs in one, fragile, basket. These nightmares made me aware that in the face of threat, no one cares about our personal fate but us. No one cares about our story, but us. And my greatest fear had been falling victim to happenstances larger than both of us.
That's why I accepted my husband's offer to fly over and pick me up for this trip, knowing it would set us back financially. For me, it was worth it. Unlike myself, he has an aura of safety and sovereignty - and as I already had one traumatic experience trying to visit him last October, traveling such a long distance by myself had left a bitter taste in my mouth. He kept me calm during the trip, even on the long transatlantic flight with a fussy toddler in the next row. 

By the time we arrived, we had cleared three planes and several hours of layovers between each one. We were exhausted. Between sorting through my entire apartment to pack and make sure we weren't missing anything vital and sleeping 6 hours over the course of two days, I finally passed out on the last plane and only caught glimpses of beautiful city lights late at night. Jack had to wake me up when we finally landed and I had to stop myself from crying. 

The minute I set foot on this land, I was overtaken by an intense sense of familiarity. It was absolutely overwhelming. I walked easier, I breathed easier. The air smelled like home. The energy felt like home. Jack's car drove like home. It's like coming back to a place I didn't know I missed. 

Tell you what, I've never felt so comfortable in my entire life. And not least due to the fact we invested in a bed that doesn't commit hate crimes on my bones. But also because of how easy life here is! The attitude of the people here is so laid back and welcoming. I've never felt so welcomed anywhere. I never feel like I have to watch my back anymore. Strangers aren't looking at me with contempt and hostility. That's one of my favorite things about the Midwest so far. People will compliment you randomly. I've been called pretty so much I'm starting to get weirded out by it - because where I'm from I'm ugly and weird. Here, I'm normal. Here, there's nothing wrong with me. I walk slower - it's almost like I'm no longer in a hurry to get the hell away from everyone and everything. I didn't realize how much stress I was having to endure just living in a place where I was the odd one out. I've always wondered how my husband manages to be so easy-going and carefree... It's because he grew up in a different culture - one that isn't out to kill all misfits. In my "home town", I was weird and crazy. Here, I'm apparently charming and lovely. Like night and day. I smile all the time - didn't think I'd ever see a genuine smile on my face. I thought I was ill for not being able to... because I was told I was the problem. But having spent those last few weeks here, it's becoming apparent that others made me that way. And it's becoming apparent to me how much it can kill your spirit, just to linger in a place where you aren't wanted. 

I thought I was doomed to be depressed and anxious all my life. Then I came here and all it took to make me better was a place where I'm wanted and someone who loves me. 

I came here for the freshest start I've ever had. I arrived here with a suitcase to my name - some clothes, my filming equipment and a few odds and ends. I didn't care because I had everything. Everything I've wanted and more because I have the person I love by my side. Got to leave behind everything that was dragging me down and everyone who hurt me. Without the burden of fending for myself every minute of every day, I can feel peace for once in my life. Peace, without having to try so damn hard. Peace that isn't a fleeting moment between recurring mental breakdowns. Comfort that isn't a byproduct of numbness from pushing my brain and my nervous system beyond its capacity day after day. Fun that isn't ridden with guilt - though this is something that's gonna take a while to get over. It's gonna take time and reassurance from someone whom my wellbeing matters to beyond being just functional enough to cater to demands.
Since I came here, I've experienced life. Not anxiety, not coping - life. I've even become acquainted with some of Jack's friends who think I'm lovely and funny. I did really milk the punchline of introducing myself to each new person as "Russian bride". (Since I get questions about it - I am both Russian and German. I just avoid telling people the first part because I'm tired of having to justify myself for not speaking Russian or being unjustifiably proud of a country I spent all of three years in. Russians - at least where I'm from - make it sound like utter blasphemy to not think Russia is the best country that ever existed and speak Russian with everyone I can get away with.)
Since I came here, I've experienced being woken up multiple times a night by a noisy cat. I missed having a cat so much. Leo never usually woke me up, but I can forgive the noise because the payoff of getting biscuits made on me every night is worth it. Ash is a chatty catty because she's figured out that she can "talk" to us whenever she wants something and get us to try and figure out what she wants and give it to her. She's adorable. In the mornings she comes upstairs and meows at me to come down and play with her so Jack has to shut the door and entertain her so I can sleep. I was told this cat doesn't like strangers... The fact that she loves me probably says a lot about me. 

In fact, I missed her chatty little butt when we went on a ghost adventure for my birthday. 

We stayed at the famous Lemp Mansion and had a blast touring the building and taking pictures. We pretty much had free reign of the entire house for the night, took part in a tour with a (supposed) psychic medium and did an EMF sweep of the entire building (barring the "employee only" zones.) Though I slept too well that night - I had been looking forward to being woken up by blatant paranormal activity. The other couple who had booked the room I originally wanted said they experienced minimal paranormal activity (seeing shadows, feeling someone sitting down on the bed) - whereas our room was peaceful as can be. I think our guardian spirits may have scared the other ghosts. Despite that, I have managed to capture two "interesting" pieces of evidence that I'm looking forward to sharing in a bonus video at a later time.
The whole freedom thing is truly amazing. Not only do I get to spend my birthday where I actually want to be - but I get to have fun and adventures, too? We can drive places and see things? My brain shuts down every now and again, just from all too common sensory overload. But at least I get a good time in exchange vs. just excruciating noise and burnout. 

Like playing with an abundance of cute cats at the local cat cafe. This one was an especially adorable little trouble maker

She kept trying to sneak a sip from our drinks, though I don't think she would have liked it. She resembles Ash, both in appearance and demeanor. 

After taxes have been paid, we are eager to meet the cats at the local shelters and seeing about the food donation process. Somewhere around here, kitties are waiting for the free food you have given them with your pledges! 

As you can see, I'm thriving. Slowly but surely, acclimatizing to an environment I don't have to cope with. I'm healing and creating and even made a relaxing visual for a new hypnotherapist roleplay that's coming up!

It's so satisfying to make something beautiful out of very little. And I feel welcomed back into what I love to do the most. Thank you for all the love you've given me. I'm finally finding a good balance between creating content and living life. Hopefully as time goes on I can collect all the props and tools I need to turn my ideas into reality - one that you can escape to! 

I'm genuinely looking forward to what lies ahead. 

Cheers