Why do Artists delete their Best Work? (Patreon)

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've been asked that. 

"Why did you delete X video? It was my favorite!" 

Followed by a series of demands to bring it back, oh and also make more of their favorite content. 

You think this kind of feedback would expire at some point, would slowly fade away with the course of your progression, like growing pains... And yet to this day, comments and messages like this haunt me. 

"Hey, where did my favorite video go? It was called angel something something"

"Why did you delete that one video I watched that one time 7 years ago? Please reupload"

"I still remember when your channel was called X!"

and my personal (least) favorite

"Can you make another BOOP challenge?!"

Nothing irks me more than people trying to bring back memories of things I decided to remove from my life. It sort of feels like this is all I ever did. It's sickening. It's maddening. It's as if nothing I can ever make will ever live up to this atrocity I committed in my early years. And there's nothing I can do to escape it, barring completely obliterating any avenue of communication between myself and the world. I can delete said comments, sure, but the damage has already been done. My mood is already stunted for at least that day. 

But why? Why on Earth do artists keep deleting their best work? 

Rejecting the millions of views and traffic they bring, stunting their own career and reach and growth and for what? 

The fact that I am emotionally triggered by this whole phenomenon makes it hard to focus on all the factors that play into that decision. Or figure out how to begin to communicate my thoughts. I don't want to think about this, I don't want to keep having to explain myself in hopes of appeasing the insatiable questioning of people who have only known me for my worst. I want...

Peace of mind. 

It isn't our best work. It's our worst work. It's also the work that attracts the most attention and praise for some mysterious reason we may never understand. Why do people like garbage? All we can do is speculate. What do millions of people see in a video that is so half-assed and lovelessly thrown together that it barely qualifies as "work"? Why is this all people seem to care about? It's incredibly invalidating. For years it has felt like people have tried to push me into one specific projection they wanted to maintain of me, based on a few videos I did that represented a mere fragment of both my being and my artistic skill. For the longest time it has felt like people were attached to just one version of me - one that was hardly real it was so skimmed and polished. The version of me that remained after abandoning and suppressing everything about me that anyone I encountered ever disapproved of. I suppose that's what makes this situation triggering. Is that it seemed as though all people wanted me to be is this shell of myself that they could project on and abuse, that didn't make them uncomfortable, that wasn't threatening in the least. And when people responded with disapproval and disappointment for every attempt to express more of myself than this literal, abominable image of an innocent angel, I kinda snapped. And I made the decision to no longer perpetuate this loathsome illusion people wanted to keep forcing on me. The only way to stop the flow of unwarranted complaints about me not living up to who people wanted to see, I thought, was to distance myself from the videos I thought brought it on. I went on a massive rampage of deleting everything "light", everything sub-par and everything people were otherwise bothering me about. I wanted to start fresh. I wanted people to see and enjoy other aspects of me. I wanted to be known for something that truly represents me - not a construct of coping mechanisms that purely existed to please people and make sure that no one would ever find any fault with me. As someone who suffered narcissistic abuse growing up, it was very difficult for me to deal with this reinforcement that I was only wanted when I fulfilled a fantasy of something people could love. So I shattered the fantasy. I didn't need this kind of invalidation in my life, believe me, a quarter century of this kind of emotional abuse was plenty. 

So here's the reason why sometimes we chose to delete popular creations. Not only does it take attention away from our actual good work and what we want to share with the world, it tends to brand us with an image that we did not want or choose. It was beyond frustrating to be pouring my heart and soul into beautiful videos, constantly growing and progressing, constantly doing my best - only be known as "the boop girl" or some one-dimensional angel girlfriend bullshit. 

I'm glad I decided to delete half my videos before my channel was very well known. Be much harder to be recognized for something other than "the shallow shit that blew up" with several million subs. I just wonder what in the world it would take for people to accept, nay, celebrate the change. Appreciate what I've become, approve of the progress I made in my own way. I wonder what it takes to break free from a first impression. This is why celebrities reinvent themselves - there's so much more to us than what people are willing to look at. We grow out of the image we used to feel comfortable in eventually. Imagine you were trying to live your life and create something worthwhile and people went out of their way to remind you of how you used to be, look, act and interact with them at 25. Or, if you're in your 20's, at 15. This isn't something you would want to keep thinking about every day for the rest of your life. You would want to be seen for the person you have become since then, for how much you've grown and matured. For the person that actually exists, right here and now. Not the person that has existed at some point in history, in a random person's memory. And no, you wouldn't want to be told to "just take this as a reminder of how far you've come" - you would want to be acknowledged and validated for who you are right here and now. You wouldn't want people to keep telling you "I miss who you used to be" as if you can just revert back to your old self and old perspective and all be well. Maybe you went through things that changed you that cannot be undone. Maybe you've spent quite some time missing who you used to be, knowing that this person will never exist in that way ever again. And you start to see that even back then, people only loved and accepted you for an illusion. Because if they truly cared for you as a person, they would accept every part and every expression of you (that isn't morally questionable) - not reminisce on an image they had of you like that person is dead and who you are now is not what they want anymore. You start to see that you were never really wanted to start with. You were only appreciated for what you gave to people. A sense of comfort that stemmed from holding back everything that made you, you. You realize that you truly only did exist as a face and a voice in other people's minds that is so shallow and superficial it may aswell be detached from your essence entirely. And you decide you don't want that for yourself anymore and now they mad. 

Now they mad that you took away their favorite fantasy as if you owed it to them to keep offering it to them. 

And this is what it's like trying to exist as a human being in the public eye. 

Thank you.