I broke YouTube (Patreon)

Why is technology hard?

And other questions that have no answers. 

It seems that everytime I use technology, shit just doesn't work the way I think it should. Everything is always more complicated than I assume, impossible when it should be possible or the most basic things I attempt turn out to be major problems. Just a pattern I noticed in regards to the shit we're building a society on. 

I just want to make videos. It shouldn't be that hard. Like when I was making the Fireflies Ambient video V1, I set it to render and then went to wash my face for the night in which time my computer tried to go to sleep, crashed the rendering and somehow lost my project file because apparently actively rendering a video does not count as "in use". So I spent a day redoing it from scratch but because it's against my nature to not improve upon something when I think I can, I boosted the video with real magic. Fireflies Ambient ASMR V2 feat. powerful healing. I also made it 3 hours long thinking I'd do something nice for you guys and after 42 hours of rendering, YouTube rejected my file because apparently it turned out 5 whole GB over the upload size limit. Nitpicky shit like this just blows my mind. It doesn't tell me how big my file will be before it finishes rendering so I couldn't have known. The 'estimated file size' seems to cap entirely after 1GB. Will V3 finally be the charm? Tune in in 2 days and find out! Tell me, am I asking too much? I feel like I'm too much for YouTube sometimes. My dreams are too big, my personality is too big, my requests are clearly too big... The only thing that changes is that I have less and less mental breakdowns because something I set out to do doesn't work out the first 5 times. Same "wtf are you kidding me??" different day. I'm just wondering if it's like that for everyone because most creators seem to be doing fine? Am I just too ambitious for my own good for wanting to offer you guys the best possible videos? 

Since we are already here, why not also discuss my plans for the channel? First off, I want to thank each and every one of you for your unconditional support. I hear you guys when you tell me to do what makes me happy and have fun. I hear you when you tell me not to stress out and take care of myself. For quite some time I've been trying to find ways to enjoy video creation again and made all kinds of changes. I'm still getting the hang of just doing what's fun for me and not stressing about what I think I should be creating. But as someone who needs constant change, I've been trying to figure out what I actually want to be doing. Because the same thing does not work for me for an extended period of time. I get so bored and so frustrated. As I've been watching some witchy YouTubers lately, I've been getting so inspired to create more magic. Though the only reason why I haven't made videos about witchcraft yet is because I don't want to lose my love for it. I learned the hard way that if you share something personal to yourself with the public, people will find a way to ruin it for you. My craft is all I have left and I'm not willing to give it up. But I've found a way to use it and work with it in covert ways. That way I can still bring my magic to you and influence people in wonderful beneficial ways - without exposing what I do and having people discuss and tear apart every move I make. I am very excited about the idea of hiding witchcraft in my videos, charge them with my intention and having all of you receive the full force of my blessings for you. I've done this with healing vibes in the Fireflies Ambient video. I'm willing to do this in many future videos in many different ways. It's all about what we put out into the world and I'm not satisfied with my videos being just relaxing. I want them to be life changing. I want to influence people in greater ways to do greater things and open up all doors for them to live better lives. Sounds altruistic, but don't be fooled into thinking that makes me a good person. I see those good, pure and innocent creatures out there just genuinely wishing the best for all people. That's not me. No, I'm a selfish bitch and what I'm after is power. That's why I get so excited everytime someone comments that my hypnosis worked and that they feel better after watching my videos. It boosts my ego because it makes me feel like I have power. I made something and it influenced someone directly. Inconceivable! It actively helps to heal my own struggles of complete powerlessness in childhood where no matter what I did or how much love I put into it, it didn't matter to anyone and no one cared. So here you go, that's what I get out of making your life better. Thinking about it, that's also pretty much what draws me to enchanting my videos. Makes perfect sense. To me it's not about making the most videos, it's about leaving the biggest impact. Even if only 10000 people click on it. (Though it still shouldn't take this long to make them wtf are you kidding me)

I'm looking into video editing software because I effectively can't do anything while Sony renders a video. Yesterday I tested out both DaVinci Resolve and Filmora9. DaVinci had all the tools I need but was very hard to use AND didn't render in mp4 (error message for every format except mfx) AND lagged and froze up big time on my old Win 8.1 laptop. Filmora only had color editing tools and I could not for the life of me find ways to mess with the chroma and levels, like fading the blacks which I really like to do for aesthetic reasons. Though I don't know if the paid version comes with more tools. I will not be using the free version either way because of the watermark. The issue I have is that my software (Movie Studio Platinum 13.0) is a steam game (you'd die if you saw how many hours I have on it) and steam will only allow me to have it installed on one device and constantly bitches about me being logged in on a second device to play a game while it's busy rendering on the other computer. I just want to be able to work on something while I wait. Everyone seems to recommend Adobe Premiere, but guys, I don't want to throw out $30 every single month for the rest of my life to fucking rent a video editing software are you kidding me I can eat off that for a whole week. I'd much rather own a software, you know, like we used to back in my day. If you have any recommendations that meet my criteria, I'd be happy to hear them.

As far as photography goes, I am fixing up my old camera and getting it all ready for use again. My dream is to collect a few different lenses to work with for my Sony, but working with it for over a year now, I realized that my Canon just takes better pictures. It's the zoom lens in particular, because while Sony + lenses is perfect for the videos I make and filming in low light, it just doesn't photograph anything more than 5 yards away very well. And rarely is something beautiful this close to me, so. Last I checked it had some issues with dead pixels and I'm not sure if I can fix that yet. But even so, I miss being able to zoom in on an object and get the exact shot that I want in adequate detail. I went through my old photography while moving stuff to reset my old laptop and some of it is just absolutely beautiful. That's what sparked my desire to take Canon out of its retirement. Just another passion project of mine. I live and breathe for beauty and aesthetics and I just want to feel that tingling in my root chakra again when I capture a beautiful photo. 

When things go wrong for seemingly no good reason, it always gets me fired up to just try harder and do better. And when they continue to go wrong while I'm already giving everything I've got, eventually it just pushes me over the edge. I'm just doing my best to last through that point and not lose my mind trying to make the easiest things happen. Lately I already have headaches almost every single day and constant sensory overload. I, too, wish I could find a way to escape reality or, preferably, turn it off completely until I'm ok again. But I do my best, not just for you, for me, too. I guess I'm just tired of everything being hard and everything being a struggle. Especially when it's so simple in my head. I feel like I should be able to just imagine something and have it manifest before my eyes. Instead I'm on a life long ride on the struggle bus, going places at a much slower pace than I would like. Who can relate? 

Feel free to share your thoughts below. It would make me feel less alone. Misery loves company, you know? Hope you're having a better week than me regardless.