Creative Burnout (Patreon)

and how I'm currently managing it. 

Looking back now, I can see the journey that led me to this point. With an eye of self-awareness and open-minded examination, the mistakes I made and the dissatisfaction that plagued me became obvious. But it wasn't always obvious. Two years ago, when I first started to feel 'meh' about making videos, I didn't realize that's where I was headed. And last year when I had meltdowns and fallouts and existential crises, I still couldn't connect the dots. In the very sense of the saying - I couldn't see the forest for the trees. 

I didn't know I was experiencing creative burnout because of how it just crept up on me. The warning signs were so subtle and I didn't have the wisdom I have now to know where certain roads lead. It's like walking blindly and growing tired and never quite feeling like you are where you're supposed to be until you just can't keep walking. And you look around and realize you hate everything. Nothing is how you wanted. You feel like you're living someone else's life. It happens to the best of us. 

You blame yourself for how tired and unmotivated you are all the time, beat yourself up over every minute you have the audacity to do nothing when it feels like there's so much to be done. You hate the things you used to love for making you feel this way and you hate yourself for falling down. In your head, you're failing while everyone else you know seems to be succeeding and you just can't comprehend why it's so hard for you to stay on top of things. [Depression: 16 miles ahead] 

This is the hardest spot to be in when you don't have a clear idea of what's wrong. I didn't. I just put everything down to personal failure, having internalized every authority figure in my life always pressing into me how I should be doing for this or that reason and how disappointing it is to see me not measure up. It was all my fault, everyone's disappointed in me and I don't want to exist anymore - but at the same time I depend on our income from Patreon to help save towards big life goals (moving to the US to live with the love of my life.) So even though I wanted to quit, I couldn't. We all have things we want in life that we can't afford to sacrifice for something as "neglectable" and "selfish" as our mental health. Who do we think we are to want to feel ok on a regular basis and achieve our life goals, right? 

The thing I know now that I didn't know then is that the place I thought I was supposed to be in was impossible to achieve. You can't make amazing videos by yourself and expect the algorithm to reward you. You can't make two quality videos a week and meet all your needs. You can't have high standards and remain relevant. I was in this awkward place of hating the videos I made but also not making enough videos to make my viewers happy but also not having any free time but also being bored all the time but also drowning in this pressure and anxiety to make more and better videos because that's what I felt I owe for receiving these amazing gifts of a shiny new camera and, no less important, a more or less steady income. And I grew cynical because I was tired of swimming against the current to enforce my values - not monetizing my videos despite the algorithm clearly preferring videos that make money, treating my videos as art rather than product for pay, doing what I think is worth my time as opposed to what people ask of me... It just feels so incredibly unfair - because it is. Other creators are getting ahead of me with clickbait and by being satisfied with mediocre and I can't even seem to bring my creations meant to help people to the people my creations could help. This lack of control makes the path of an artist in the community quite discouraging. All I have to rely on when it comes to promoting my videos is all my viewers, but who thinks to like, comment and share while falling asleep? It seems like I can't win. This is one of the things that had to become less relevant to me in order to keep going. 

At the same time, other things had to become more relevant. Things I had put on the back burner in hopes of catching up on my projects. 

The very first thing I had to consider as I was standing there in the middle of a life I didn't want was meaning. Because I already can't rely on YouTube to support my videos and thus am not going to get the recognition I crave (that's the assumption I had to make to move forward. I would still like recognition but I'm not getting my hopes up for it), I may aswell give up on social rewards for my work and only do what really fills me up inside. My goals had to shift from making a ton of videos to making videos I won't want to delete in a year. This is still the question I ask myself while I work on new projects. Will I still be proud of this video in a year? No? Then why bother. I learned how valuable my time and energy are  just for the sole fact that they are a limited resource. I am never (never!) going to get these hours back that I choose to spend on creations for others. So of course I'm going to want something out of it. Something more than shallow praise from strangers. It's never too early and never too late to ask "is this what I want to spend the next two-four weeks doing?" But the bottom line is, if I wasn't getting anything else out of it - no money, no recognition, nothing - what would still be worth it for me? 

Because in the beginning it's all fun and games. Playing around with a webcam, being cute and feeling good about yourself because strangers tell you how cute you are. Everything is new and exciting while you're discovering all your possibilities. Everything seems to be all possibilities! But sooner or later, we have to wake up and smell the coffee. The first time you struggle to put your ideas into manifested reality because your equipment doesn't do what you want, it slows you down. The first time you realize you lack skills to achieve what you set out, it slows you down. The first time you publish a video you love and the view count never surpasses 25.000, it slows you down. The first time someone tells you how disappointed they are that your style has changed, it slows you down. The first time you wake up and thinking about working on a video fills you with dread, it slows you down. The first time a shoot fails because your neighbors keep making noise all night, it slows you down. The first time you're bullied and dragged through the dirt online, it slows you down. Starting out, we don't know it yet. But there will inevitably come a time when the problems grow over our heads and we can't seem to resolve them to our satisfaction, much less put out consistent content while doing so. We weren't prepared for all the growing and learning we would do, and thus it feels like everything is against us. Before we know it, everything seems to be all struggle and no reward and we just want to quit. 

But, you think, quitting would set up a whole new array of problems? Oh yes, it would! And so does continuing to work with this attitude! And so does trying to change your attitude! Because we've all tried to change our outlook on something by force as though we're to blame for having emotions as a result of our circumstances, only to find that the more we push against those feelings that spoil our creation and turn other people off of us, the more they persist and drive us further and further into frustration, then anger, then hate, then depression, then burnout. And before we know it, we spend all of this time trying to solve problems, unable to keep up with our own standards, expecting ourselves to be flawless, all we seem to do is work and we don't even realize that by now, our lives revolve entirely around making a living as an artist and there's nothing left in it for us. 

We've neglected so much to be barely acceptable. We think we're running out of time but what we neglect to watch is the one resource we ever truly have - our own energy. 

We think we're expendable - we are not. And yet we treat ourselves as though we will never grow tired, break down or need anything. 

Countless mental, emotional and nervous breakdowns over the years have taught me that without me, no one will be here to do what I am doing. And it took me a good long while and tireless dedication to finally acknowledge that maybe I deserve more than what my parents afforded me. Maybe, for how much of myself I give to these videos, I deserve to live a life that meets my needs. 

I had to learn that I, in fact, require things to be able to perform. Funny how I always felt like it wasn't enough no matter how much I was giving to my creation when in reality it wasn't enough how much I was giving to myself. Even though outsiders looking at my life were happy to point out how good I had it and that they wish they had it that good, they didn't see how much of myself I was sacrificing - because they couldn't. Because what you require is unique to you and no amount of shaming can make you un-require it. Trust me. I was raised on shame and still never managed to get rid of my needs. Shocker, right?! The thing with other people's perspectives is that they take their needs being met for granted. And when we take something for granted, it's hard for us to imagine that someone else might be lacking what we have. We cannot relate to what we haven't lived and so it is presumptuous to assume everyone around us started out with the same chips as us. We were all dealt a different hand of cards. We all have different needs. We can never know another person well enough to place judgement on how they're doing in their personal situation. People need to understand that, but more importantly, we need to understand that and treat ourselves accordingly. My mother may have had lots of siblings growing up and thus had many of her social needs met early on. I was an only child who struggled to make friends, therefore I experienced a lack she could not relate to. And because she took her experience for granted, she couldn't understand how mine affected me. This is something we as humans need to learn to communicate to one another. If you feel like no one understands you, it's because no one does. What you are feeling is the truth. It's not you being emo, it's not you seeking attention. It's cold, hard facts. We must approach others aswell as ourselves with this understanding if we are ever to stop the vicious cycle of judgement and shame. So as you read this, I want you to do me a favor: Acknowledge that you have needs and that others will not, cannot and often don't want to understand them. Don't let their judgement come in between you and yourself, for it is limited, it is ignorant and it is based on inaccurate assumptions. Grant yourself the respect of knowing you're not a failure for having unmet needs. We all have them. We all have to try to meet them or have them met if we are to continue living. 

This begs the question: What do I need? 

I want so badly to be able to do my best every day. I want so badly to see my creations come to life. I want so badly to express myself. To share what I have to give. But at the end of the day, what's in it for me? If all I'm doing is giving, giving, giving - sharing, sharing, sharing - working, working working... Eventually I'm gonna end up stranded in a field of garbage with an empty tank. And I mean garbage quite literally. Because I can work on some videos for a week straight or I can keep my apartment clean. I can't do both. One person cannot do everything and certainly not at the same time. So I ended up making some adjustments to my life that have been my saving grace in beating the burnout and getting into a place of wanting to create again. Now my job is to consistently keep this up and to balance everything, well, is an art in and of itself. 

To have a creative outlet. 

I used to have one years ago - creating videos! Then I started to get paid to make more (thanks, by the way!) and instead of filming because I wanted to, I was filming because I needed to. The fun aspect kinda drowned in the 'struggling to please' aspect and I effectively ruined both video creation and jewelry making for myself that way. In order to make me want to get out of bed again, I turned to the one thing I had that I never made a commodity out of - witchcraft. This is where I could create what I wanted and play again. No rights or wrongs, no not-good-enoughs, no judgement from anyone, no meddling and no expectations. Just me and spirit and all the energy in the world willing to be shaped and manipulated by me. I started using the tools I already had more and more frequently and ended up acquiring some new tools. Every time I wanted to do something, I just felt this rush of energy surging through me and guiding me to the materials required to make this process happen. I feel life. I feel magic. I feel power. I feel more alive when I practice than I ever realized I could. It's the one thing that can take me out of merely existing and give me a sense of being fulfilled, optimistic, content... Just on the right path. This happiness even bleeds over into jewelry making sometimes, as I enjoy making little chokers and necklaces for myself using different crystals. It helps a lot when making these for tier rewards, too, but this post is about what I get out of it, so...

To have something to look forward to. 

One of the biggest changes I've made was to start doing things just for fun. I broke some patterns with this bold move, seeing as how growing up I was punished for having fun and the way I survived was to abstain from doing anything fulfilling, ever. Especially if, god forbid, it cost money! When I realized that I no longer have to fight with my parents every time I wanted to do something for myself, I started to get this indescribable thrill every time I went to a bar by myself and bought a drink, or even a coffee, or a crystal to add to my collection! Now, it takes time to get over the guilt of, well, having something just because you want it - but it's the best thing you'll ever do. And it's not even about having stuff, it's about having experiences. For years I struggled with doubts and second-guessing myself every time I so much as had a whim to go to the park in the morning. Yes, there will be people there. Yes, the people will probably judge me for having acne. But there comes a time when this will all seem like a small price to pay for the joy of living. None of these minor troubles will ever be worth giving up sitting in a tree sipping coffee and listening to music. Because when you realize you can go places and do things for no reason other than your own enjoyment, you've found freedom. Now, you have options. Nay, options that don't suck! It's easy to fall in a rut when it seems like all the options you have are terrible options that you don't want to do and don't even want to think about. This was childhood/adolescence for me. Now I'm an adult and the first time you realize the prison keepers are gone and the door is unlocked, no matter how long it takes to sink in that you're free to go, life is yours again. For me personally, I require having things to look forward to in the foreseeable future. Whether it is set plans for the next time Jack will visit or a reservation at the cat cafe or meeting a friend that month - I have to have an idea of how soon I will get to do something fun again. The time in between, I can manage. It's the fact that if I don't know when it feels like never that makes me depressed. If you don't want to feel depressed about your life you must dedicate time to having fun on a consistent basis. 

Self-care every day.

This point was the hardest for me to manage because of the discrepancy between how much I require vs how much I was taught I should require. But once you're frustrated enough, you will be willing to do whatever it takes to keep yourself happy. No one likes to feel miserable every day! And the greatest betrayal is when we can help it and we choose not to. This tells you that you don't care enough about you to be concerned about your happiness and, consequently, demotivates and discourages you from doing anything. Because if you aren't worth it to you to try and give you the best life possible, why should you put in the work to perform for you? How thrilled would you be to get up in the morning and serve someone who couldn't care less what happens to you? And yet so often we do this to ourselves. We put ourselves last even after our enemies and expect ourselves to thrive like ???? The biggest lesson I learned going through this is that I need to live for myself. I need my life to reflect me and meet my needs. For that I need to hold myself up. I need to take care of myself. I need baths every day, not to stay clean, but to warm up and to calm my overly sensitive nerves. I need a lot of down time to process the sensory overload I deal with every single day. I need to put a limit on social interaction to avoid nervous breakdowns. I need sensory deprivation to relieve my brain. I need consistent skin care to control my acne and it doesn't matter that you're not 'supposed to' exfoliate more than once a week, the fact of the matter is that if I don't exfoliate every single day my skin will flake and clog my pores and make it worse than it needs to be. I need time in nature to stay sane and time in bed to process trauma and exercise to feel good in my skin and a healthy diet to be able to think and time with my partner to be free of the pressure to be at my best at all times. You know, normal human things. But I need to do these things first before I can function and give myself to my art. Not all of these things every single day - but all of these things on a regular basis to get through those days of nonstop editing and waiting for my 40 minute silent window before my deaf neighbor watches TV from 11PM to 6AM to be able to record ASMR. (He's not really deaf, just old and unbothered by my request to use headphones or turn the noise machine down a notch so I can work.) If I am to give all that I've got, I must first have something to give. And if having a fresh color in my hair gives me a confidence boost, who am I to deny myself that? So many things we have may not be necessary to live - but they are necessary to thrive and certainly necessary to do what we do for others. Walking to the bus with a cup of tasty coffee is not necessary to live - you can walk to the bus without it. But if sipping a hot drink helps you manage your anxiety and makes errands feel like a leisurely adventure, why deny yourself that simple pleasure? It's the reason why people smoke, though, coffee is undoubtedly less of a health hazard for you, your family, your pets and everyone who crosses paths with you. No one's happier for you depriving yourself of having a better life that would be so easy to achieve with a few small changes. The only people who win when you suffer are your enemies. You can consider anyone who doesn't want you to take care of yourself an enemy. And I do. It helps keep me sane whenever I feel like I don't deserve something. I remind myself that anyone who is on my side wants me to be happy and would approve of anything that gets me there. So I take my supplements, I sleep as much as possible, I listen to music, I take time for myself, I cast spells, I take baths, I sing, I go for walks, I go swimming, I pet cats, I cook, I browse #coffee on Instagram, I do my hair and makeup just to feel my best and I relax every night (early morning) watching shows and funny videos with Jack before I go to bed and hope I don't wake up sore from that shitty mattress. And one day I will stop feeling bad for doing it all. 

A god damn break. 

The best way to fill up my reserves is to have vacations. Though I rarely leave this town, I need those regular periods of not having to think about work - and the only thing more important than my work is my husband. When Jack visits it's easier for me to focus on having fun and just enjoying his company. It really is my saving grace because the fact that I have the freedom to make my own schedule also means I have to work whenever I can, i.e. when my neighbors happen to shut up for a hot second. Not only do I think about work all the time, I think I should be working all the time, even when I don't feel like it, just because I might not have the opportunity a half hour from now. I don't have a set "weekend". There is no finish line at the end of the week waiting for me. The finish line is a completed video, at which point I bask in the sensation of accomplishment for a day or two before moving on to the next thing. All it really takes is a couple weeks off twice a year to recharge and get inspired to want to create again. I have so many ideas and so much to share it's ridiculous - the only thing keeping me from creating is simply not having the energy or motivation to do so. It's a work in progress but I'm learning to afford myself the time I need to get back into a creating mood. The problem was never that I hated what I do, it was that I wasn't getting enough time away from it to miss it. Little vacations, even as much as half a day away from home will do the trick sometimes. But you have to consciously decide to take time off. If you work from home, a change of scenery is one of the most refreshing things you can afford yourself. 

To take the trash out. 

We all have had at one point or another things or people in our lives that seemed to just drain the sheer life force out of us. I'm no stranger to that feeling and as hard as it is, if you're struggling to just live your life as a result of energy-sucking interactions with people or wasting your time watering dead flowers, there's no point in keeping them around. This is so much easier said than done in many situations, especially when these energy suckers are family and you just can't get out without a fight. But take this advice from me: Fight.
Fight for yourself and your happiness because no one else will. If someone makes you feel like shit more than half the time, they are shit and you need to scoop it out and throw it in the trash and take the trash out. You will love yourself for it later on. It may feel like you don't have the energy - but you will once you're rid of what's stealing it from you. It's like demons - you might feel weak and like you can't fight them but that's what they want you to think. In reality you have all the power to decide who deserves your attention and who doesn't. And you may have to go to greater lengths than you should have to just to enforce that power - but I promise you it'll be worth it. What's waiting on the other side of that battle is self-empowerment, self-respect, freedom and confidence that you simply won't get otherwise. You must fight. You deserve to not be held back. Don't let them hold you back. Take the trash out.

To go with the flow.

Because forcing myself to do shit never worked for me. It won't get it done faster, nor better if I ignore glaring unmet needs as I try to create. Since I was a child there's always been this nagging voice in my head telling me that if I don't do it right fucking now, it'll basically never get done. Whose voice? My mother's. Echoes of her berating me for not getting things done when she wanted them to be done and then guilting me because she was "forced" to do them herself, never giving me a chance to want to do anything of my own free will. I was but a child, so I believed her. I had no other experience to go by - all I had was her words. And her words were clear: that if I was left to my own accord, I would never do anything. It's an unfounded statement but what our parents think of us weighs a lot more than what we know in our tiny little brains with our untrained intuition. Of course when I pointed out that no one is forcing her to clean up after me and she could just wait for me to do it, she lost it. I knew then that there would come a time when my own mess would annoy me so much that it would feel like the only logical step to clean it up. But she refused to acknowledge it, insisting that if she didn't do everything, nothing would ever get done. I still don't fully understand why being told she doesn't have to do things for me drove her up a wall so much. I think, secretly, she just wanted someone to control. She wanted complete and utter submission, did not understand nor respect boundaries, privacy or consent - I was her property and I was to do as she said. Now, as an adult, I get to -nay, I must- turn around and enforce what she denied me: free will. If we are ever to lead fulfilling lives, we must learn from our childhoods, know what we lacked and find a way to become it. And now I have the experience to prove that her approach does not work, especially for my art, and the only thing that does is going with the flow. Because from here I can see that when I am happy, when my needs are met - my mind is freed from this preoccupation with misery and creating is the next logical step. Not only that, but the process comes easier and smoother and progress is being made faster because I have energy to expend. I can sit here and write for six hours straight and the result is not going to be as good because my mental clarity decreases with every impulse I ignore. And then later I have to spend yet more time fixing mistakes and rewriting paragraphs. It's truly always in my best interest to follow the call of my intuition telling me now is the perfect opportunity to fill up on my daily dose of freedom, meaning and laughter so that I can return to work later refreshed and energized. The trick is to trust that calling even when results don't happen the first day, or the second, or the third. Because the more time passes without any visible progress, the more anxious and paranoid we all get. Without anything to show for ourselves, everyone will assume we're just being lazy and stop supporting us! Yet another trap set by mother dearest. I've been making so much progress reflecting and resolving those early childhood conditionings, some of which I didn't even know were still plaguing me until this week. This is one of them. It's the fact that when she couldn't see the desired changes at first glance, she would assume I'm just being lazy and withhold support. And given that she set up a very overt dependence dynamic where I would have to come to her with my plea every time I wanted something and she got to sit on her throne and wave her wand deciding if I was worthy of having that thing based on how obedient and successful (in school) I was (or even just how pleased she was with me that day or how badly she needed her 'good samaritan' fix for 'allowing me' to do and have things even though I was unworthy and there's no reason why she should be kind to me), I learned very quickly that if I did not perform and please, I would never have anything I want. This is a broad generalization of all the things she would deny me for failing to please, but nonetheless accurate. No straight A's? No favors. No clean room? No fun, breaks, or time off. No completed 'private secretary' tasks she made me responsible for? No going out oh and by the way the thing I was promised earlier on when she was in a better mood is canceled, too. The problem here is not that she did these things, that ended when I won the fight for my right to have my own place after she decided to move back to Russia. The problem is that I never learned that things could be different and instead started expecting this behavior from everyone. Including you. Stressing myself out for no reason to be barely acceptable. I hope you don't mind the anecdotes, it really is the best way for me to portray how I got stuck in certain ways of thinking and the way out. Because this experience instilled in me, instead of good healthy discipline and obedience like she had hoped, a constant, ever-present state of anxiety where at any point, everything could be taken from me for simply not being good enough. And for as long as I wasn't good enough, I did not deserve anything - not to have my needs met and especially not to have a good time. This is, in fact, the hardest thing to overcome. I can't create because my needs aren't met - but I don't deserve to have my needs met because I don't create enough. Fortunately, once you're in this situation - you truly are stuck. There's nowhere to go from there, it's a catch 22. Fortunately, because the only thing left to do is to try the exact opposite approach. It's either that or depression all day every day. When I began to realize why I ended up this way and what the only way forward was, it was an adjustment - but it dawned on me quickly that there was no going back. I knew what was behind me and that it wasn't working for me so to return to that was to consciously choose depression and misery. And once you realize that, you'll take anything else, even the unknown. Sometimes I still have to remind myself why I'm choosing this path but by now I find that I'm happier and do not resent life itself. Even though I consciously choose projects that require a lot of work, I have energy to put in every day and that is a massive improvement from how things used to be. All thanks to these tiny changes that make me feel alive. Like getting up and brushing my teeth after my morning coffee. Like getting ready even though I don't have plans. My mother was a very methodical person, to her there was no point in taking a shower if we would just spend the day cleaning and would get dirty anyways. To me there is very much a point: to be clean, to not get smelly as fast, to feel better in my skin, to feel less miserable overall. She didn't understand that there was a big difference for me between cleaning in a somewhat OK state and having to clean and organize while on the verge of tears from being so uncomfortable. You just free up so much computing power when you're not preoccupied with how icky and sweaty you feel. Those are the kind of adjustments that ended up making my life better. Want to do something? Do that thing. Even if it doesn't make sense or seems pointless. My holy grail was to learn to never (as far as is possible) shoot down things I want to do in favor of things I thought I should be doing. Because suppressing these impulses means they will stop coming. They stop coming - I have no way of taking myself out of a miserable mindset because I won't know what to do. And the worst state to be in is misery with no way out. When you want so badly to feel better but you have no idea what to do. You want to keep the ideas coming, you want the (temporary) distractions, the joyrides, the small victories, the pointless but fun experiences. They are life. You want to invite life. To feel it flowing through you and taking you places - places you didn't think existed or seemed unreachable for you. A few years ago I didn't know I could be entertained or amused by random things that happen in everyday life. Then I went with the flow and I find myself noticing more and more things that are amusing rather than stress-inducing. And when I did all these things, you know what I found? I was satisfied. And you know what happened next? Because I was satisfied, I went looking for things to do. There you have it, mother. I'm not a lazy piece of shit like you said. I was merely a miserable piece of shit. The difference between denying myself basic comfort and choosing to go and meet my needs was the difference between resenting everything and wanting to do things. Rather than being preoccupied with the things I'd rather be doing but won't allow myself, I am now free to take in all that life has to offer until I'm so fulfilled that there's nothing I'd rather be doing than to share my vision and my creation with the world. There's nothing I'd rather be doing right now than writing this essay in the setting sun with my crystals charging on the railing and a tropical-plant-friendly room full of herbal steam, completing something I started a while ago that I still feel has purpose and shushing my mother's voice in my head telling me that all this is nothing but laziness and an excuse for not making as many videos. I am itching to start a new video - a feeling I thought was lost to me. By now I'm fully aware how much work it's going to be and learning to be ok with it. After all, you keep telling me that my videos are worth waiting for. And to cultivate this feeling of wanting to create, sometimes one must let oneself be bored enough. I would choose this boredom over the other boredom any day. Because this one isn't accompanied by stress and misery - it's simply a byproduct of a surplus of energy not being used at this very moment. How nice is it to have a surplus of energy? Does anyone even know what it's like anymore? Am I going to be met with envy and ill intent for leading such a frivolous lifestyle that enables me to have energy? Will people curse me with the evil eye for having the audacity to enjoy myself? If I don't tear myself down, will other people do it for me? There is a price to pay for going with the flow, as for everything in life. It means uncertainty - starting something only to put it on hold for an indefinite amount of time while tending to other things. It means envy - people wanting what you have and trying to take it from you because they can't bear to see someone enjoying themselves when they aren't. Is this a risk I'm willing to take just to be able to breathe? Turns out, it is. Because I already know this rigid thinking I was raised on isn't doing me any favors. Maybe swinging the opposite way and honoring my intuition will! If nothing else, I can live a happier life. And if I died tomorrow, would I be content having wasted my time trying to force something from a place of lack and unhappiness? Or would I have regrets, wishing I'd just enjoyed life while I had the chance? The truth is, they don't have to be mutually exclusive. While I have the freedom to create as I please, I don't have to make myself slave away just because I feel like I don't deserve to have more fun than other people who don't have the same options as me. It's wasted potential. And even though my mother begrudged me any form of joy, no one's better off if I deny myself happiness and pleasure. I can go with the flow. But don't say it doesn't matter anymore. It's so safe to play along. But I want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live.

No pressure.

Lastly, the thing that still needs some work is accepting that not everything has to serve a purpose. Not everything I do has to end up a video or a post or a photo to share. Not everything I do has to be on display. My life and work and pleasure and inspiration are just as valid when no one's watching. It's the thinking you get caught up in when you're any form of 'influencer' - everything you do becomes about the next project, the next post, the next masterpiece... And it's so easy to get sucked in like quicksand, for even if you tell yourself you're just enjoying an evening away from home - you might see something exceptionally pretty and your first impulse is to take a picture and share it. In your mind you already see the filters you would apply and how many similar ones you'd have to take to fill a line in the grid. You put makeup on and it's like... I look beautiful. So now if I don't film a video while I'm still beautiful, it'll be wasted! (It's as if I'm convinced I'll be hideous tomorrow!) Having a finite amount of energy means that not everything can be exalted. You can't be amazing at everything. There's not enough hours in a day to perfect every aspect of one's life. This is still my biggest challenge in learning to live for myself. It's a work in progress. Someday I will understand exactly what went wrong in my childhood that made me feel like if the whole world doesn't see me, I don't exist. I don't have a recipe for this yet. Just trying, as anyone would, to tell myself I'm not wasting anything if I don't try to show off everything. And every time I succeed, it's like this thing I'm refusing to share is mine alone. A feeling I'm still getting used to. Is this right? Am I allowed to just have moments and things and experiences for myself without sharing? What happens to them if I'm the only one that knows? It feels a little bit like they are lost and will never matter. Like they will fade away with no proof of them having happened. For I have no validity in and of myself and therefore anything exposed to only me will meet the same fate. Forgotten... Faded... Dead. 

When I'm old I want to remember who I was. A delicate yet strong-willed young thing, healing generations worth of ancestral trauma all by myself. With no offspring to pass anything on, I will be the one to free the souls of the ones that came before me of guilt and shame and judgement. I will create ripples in the web of life that will make waves in places and times no one will be alive to witness. All the social media posts in the world won't do it justice. It will not be perceived by anyone as linked to my existence, but it will have far greater impact than I will ever get credit for. When I die, what matters won't be how pretty I was at 29. It will be the life I create that no one sees. It will be having found myself when no one before me could. I will be proud - not of how I'm liked by others. There are far more important things to accomplish. Even though, being young, it's the thing I feel I lack and therefore obsess over - it won't be what I will remember. I will be proud for all the insight and understanding I will gain. For how much I will learn about life. For how much of that knowledge I can pass on. It will be my legacy. To study life in ways people who are stuck in the past so readily discredit. But they, too, will die - and there will be new generations to teach. The world will change - is changing - in ways we cannot comprehend yet. My soul's purpose is to shatter that box we think we're supposed to live in because it's holding us back. That's what I will look back on when I leave this world - not pretty selfies and sunsets. 

Therefore I must not get caught up in the wounds passed onto me. The art of mastering creative burnout is but a catalyst for healing. A shortcut straight into growth. Thank you for bearing with me as I'm figuring things out. I hope my perspective will help the odd struggling soul out there to understand a little better why it is that we get tired and how to feel alive again. It means a lot to me that you've read all of this and I'd love to hear your thoughts. 

Cheers