the last post I'll write before Jack arrives (Patreon)

The first two weeks of the decade are almost up. How has the new year been treating you? I feel like I've made 8 months worth of emotional and psychological progress in 8 days. This is the culmination of years of practice and patience, but things are finally coming together for me. I'm recovering my past to eventually start living the life I was meant to live. No more avoiding memories. No more suppressing emotion. Being who I was before I had to throw myself away to survive. Deprogramming the coping mechanisms I adopted along the way that time has fortunately rendered invalid. All life everyone has been trying to tell me that everything I do is wrong... Making me wish I never existed. But here I am now, thinking, what if it wasn't? I found a certain peace in myself and some integration. No more chasing dragons that equivocally promise protection from conflict. Sorry about the past 22 years - I wasn't myself. My tea has gone cold as I sat here, shaking and accepting that I can't do everything and can't make everyone happy. There's not enough time - for any of us. We all only get so many hours in life and thinking about it scares me. 

How are you spending your hours lately? I spent two hours today cleaning up this mess. Amazing how much progress you can make in only two hours! Now I just need to do 17 more hours of this and hopefully I will be able to recover an apartment from under the clutter before Jack arrives. You have to start somewhere, right? My goal is to incorporate more frequent sessions of cleaning and decluttering so that it doesn't pile up like it has, but there are so many other things in my life that are hungry for hours. Particularly, creating videos. It makes me so happy how excited you get here and on Instagram when I post sneak-peeks. I'm really, really pushing for three videos this month, but because of an upcoming visit I have few hours left. So in case I fail, please at least enjoy this meme of me trying to accomplish 3 weeks of work in 3 days.

Progress so far? Half of one video, probably. I will be editing while Jack is here, but I won't be recording videos which is why I'm trying to do them all in the short time I have left. For the 3 weeks I have him around, I want to focus on enjoying his company and becoming his wife. In that time please don't expect me to respond to messages, especially really long ones, but after that everything will be business as usual. He's going back to Missouri and we're reapplying for a new visa as a married couple. The once in a lifetime event of marrying your twin flame is too important to not cherish it. If you want, I'll tell you all about it afterwards. 

But while we're on our very deserved honeymoon, please feel free to tell me what you need if you haven't already:  https://www.patreon.com/posts/different-32835302
This is an open post that I plan on coming back to whenever I need inspiration for my videos this year. It's already given me some really cool ideas that I'm shuffling to put into video format right now. Overall, even with setbacks (like not sleeping more than 3 hours at a time for a week) I'm pretty happy with how things haven been. The mental progress is so worth anything that seemingly goes wrong. I find excitement in my ideas again and that's simply priceless. Now if only I could heed my own advice of "thy creation art not a race" that'd help loads. I'm extremely excited for the upcoming chapter - seeing my love again, making beautiful videos, soon with a fancy 3Dio, advancing in my magic, just generally doing more of what makes me happy. Eventually I will stop grieving the loss of what could have been and fully embrace the life I've committed to - one where I make the most out of each moment. Minute to minute. Hour to hour. Day to day. And hopefully, eventually, I can stop feeling like I should be doing something else altogether. I wish exactly that upon everyone reading this. Not to berate ourselves for failing to meet other people's expectations. But to live in accordance with what we truly want out of life. 

With that, I hope you look forward to the upcoming videos. They might be late because reasons but you betcha they will be [Esc] reality quality approved. One of it is a Spa, one of it is magical, and the rest - time will tell. Drink to us if you will :) I have to stay sober because I'm filming later. For now I'll take a shower and do some odd things until it's quiet enough to start a recording. Cheers