⛥November Q&A⛥ (Patreon)

I'm writing this after Jack has gone to bed and I have cosmically induced insomnia. (Pretentious way of saying I am affected by whatever the fuck our solar system is up to atm.) I know I won't be able to sleep no matter how hard I try so I'm finding things to keep me occupied until I crash. After a fucking ridiculous(ly hard) 20 minute yoga session that I barely managed to follow, I decided to make a hot chocolate and answer some of your questions. Maybe later I'll feel up to re-recording the monthly bonus video for the third time (the first was completely out of focus the entire time and in the second shoot I was obviously very tired). So it'll probably be late despite my best effort to start early. Oh well. 4 minutes to 7 and I'm about to be accompanied by leaf blowers and yelling children. These particular aspects of reality are so hard to ignore. Sadness fills my heart as I cannot escape the blatant signs that I don't belong. The brash shouting of people whose language I don't speak and values I don't share. Disgust inducing clicking of lighters. I look over to the windows to check, all shut. I've formed an association between these things and every time I've ever been mistreated because people didn't understand me. The memories are triggered instantly. But I am committed to self-love and therefore to moving forward. My intuition is calling me to insist that this chapter of my life is over and I don't have to live in fear of reliving it. 

The child is screaming and stomping defiantly as it's being led down the steps so it can terrorize a different set of people and rape a different set of ears for a while. And I am committed to enjoying this time of day that I don't get to see very often. Explore my options all over again. Facing the part of me that really doesn't want to be here and trying to make life as enjoyable as possible to maybe change my mind eventually. Truth be told, this has been my mission lately. To regain my will to live. But years of pain aren't undone overnight and I'm not expecting miracles. Just aiming for as many moments as possible that I'd rather be alive than not. Being all alone where no one can see me... I can be vulnerable... And tender... And feel all the things I can't talk to anyone about... Because I've isolated myself by choice... Because I'd rather suffer by choice than suffer as a result of the death trap mine field that is relationships. But I needed this awareness. It's strangely relieving. 

Exchanged hot chocolate for a cup of tea and some loving understanding. "How is that loving?", I ask curiously. "Well... I guess... Just... Because I wasn't shot down", the voice replies. Turns out, people appreciate it when you're not mean to them. And that counts for how you treat yourself. So it's time to answer your questions for real. 

Would you rather be: tackled (and potentially hurt) by a 100 pound fluffy dog or swarmed by 100 pounds worth of kittens? To be honest 100 pounds of kittens sounds like a dream come true.

Are you thinking about joining the ASMR community on twitter? No not really. Twitter is not my style. The character count makes it so that all I could effectively do would be shit post, and I can do that anywhere. I can barely manage to navigate YouTube, Patreon and Instagram. If I wanted to commit to an additional social media platform, I'd need to hire an assistant.
 

What is the lowest form of entertainment in your opinion? German television. It. Does. Not. Get. Dumber. Than. That. We call it "Assi TV"

Do you have a bucket list? And if yes, what's on it? I don't, but I should probably start one. I keep coming up with things I really want to do and then I realize I can't afford them, don't know how to make them happen and eventually forget about them. And that's how I end up chronically frustrated with my life.  I need to start writing things down. But then I'd have to commit to life to a degree I'm not ready for. You know, treat it like it matters. Right now, deep down I'm busy pretending I was never here. 

Do you have any phobias? I have a few. Discovered that after I previously thought I didn't have any. But I'm deathly afraid of wasps. I've had mental breakdowns and panic attacks from being near wasps. Eventually I learned wasp self-defense 101. Only works indoors though. Outdoors I'm still fucked. I also cannot throw up. One time when I was a child I was very sick and vomited all over the carpet next to my bed as I didn't make it to the bathroom in time. And I've never vomited since, not even when I had a stomach bug or food poisoning. I just physically can't - it makes me feel extremely out of control. Also jellyfish. I can look at pictures of jellyfish but I can't be in waters with jellyfish because I'm so scared of getting stung. Maybe I just have a general phobia of being stung? I mean, that's what both wasps and jellyfish have in common. Those motherfucking yellow jackets sting like there's no tomorrow. I bet you they enjoy it.
 

How many cats you end up running into on a daily basis? Whats their story, do they just find you or do you go looking for regular customers? First of all, I don't leave the house on a daily basis. When I do, there's about a 50/50 chance I'll see a cat, depending on the time of day and outside temperature. Most of the cats I see belong to someone in the neighborhood and as I typically take the same path down the hill, I usually run into the same couple of cats on the way. One is really friendly and cuddly and they recently gave her a collar with a tag. The other has no collar but knows me by my footsteps and comes running when he hears "the treat lady".  I enjoy petting and feeding them every time and when I'm not in a time crunch I tend to spend some time snuggling with them. Sometimes I will meet new cats as they get adopted or survey the territory. Few are friendly, most are skittish. I get them used to me by leaving treats out and walking away. If I'm lucky I get to watch them chow down from a safe distance (according to cats). If I manage to get close enough to them to get their attention by shaking the bag and letting them get a whiff of the snacks, I'll spend some time enticing them with the yummy food until they give in and come to take a bite. After a few feeds they'll eat out of my hand. I mostly find them around the neighborhood. I like going for walks and always have treats on me either in my backpack or in a pocket of my coat. But I learned that it's best to be prepared because you never know when you'll run into 3 cats in a row. Some cats don't like a particular flavor of treats but I'm usually successful with chicken flavor. Last time I had a kitten follow me around after the first feed. It's new and very curious. There's a black and white cat I see occasionally that's very talkative. I like getting to know their unique traits and interacting with them. One tiny cat is hyper and easily distracted, another fluffy white one is quiet and insatiable. The goatee cat I met by the bridge has a similar personality to mine. An obnoxious lady stopped to pester us during a first feed, we were both annoyed. After a few minutes she left us alone and he looked at me and smiled. I'm pretty sure he was saying thanks for the food. He was a cool, down to earth kitty. Some are weird and unpredictable and some are just like us. They're all so cute and worthy of snacks. 

I hope you found this post - well, curious at the very least. If you thought of more questions, there will be a new post on Sunday. I hope you're all doing well and sleeping lots and I'm gonna go be alone with my feelings again. Talk to you soon  ⛥