post-heartbreak follow-up (Patreon)

Hi guys. This is gonna be an update post after I inadvertently left you at heartbreak last time. Thank you so much for your kind words and support regarding my experience. I didn't think so many of you would care and it's truly heartwarming. Thank you for taking the time to comment and offer encouragement. 

I'm writing this after yet another sleepless night when I finally reached a high enough level of desperation to submit a complaint about this absolute devil of a child that's to blame for my insomnia, headaches and panic attacks. You can listen for yourself if you care. I made this recording (attachment at the bottom) today to send to my counselor just because I'm so desperate for someone to understand what I'm going through. I recorded this from my apartment, all windows closed and I don't even live directly adjacent to their flat. I'm honestly thinking about moving, even just for a year, but God I am dying for a moment of peace and quiet. Because this ludicrous noise is what I live with, day in day out, all day every day, morning till night - it never stops. 

I decided the best use of my time is to just try to function and sleep when I get the chance - completely rolling with the punches and not even making any plans because everything around me is so unpredictable. The best I can do from where I am is to take things step by step. I want to go back to work soon but first I must recover. Somewhere between the germy planes, no sleep, almost no food and intolerable anxiety, I caught a cold and I'm resting as much as possible to help my body heal. 

We talked with our lawyer after the nightmare trip and, first of all, he is about as confused about the K1 petition as we are. He will look into it but as far as I'm concerned, either the senator or the officer are full of shit. Still, he advised us to get married before filing again so we are looking at getting married in Denmark. We tried it in Germany first, but the bureaucracy here is ludicrous. Because my parents moved to Germany from Russia when I was 3, they require some kind of late resettler documents aswell as name change documents from 1993 which, as you've probably guessed, nobody has. I barely managed to get my mother to agree to send me my birth certificate which she had issued in 2007 because the original "got lost". It's still an official document and should count so I'm waiting on that right now. It's so frustrating. I have nothing to do with this country except for happening to be born there and there's no reason why it should haunt me right into all of my life decisions! I've been a German citizen for 26 years, why should anyone care about where my damn parents came from? As far as my personal research went, a marriage in Denmark will not require arbitrary impossible documents - but it will be pricey. We already lost a good sum of money on this trip that didn't happen and I'm gonna try to make at least some of it back somehow. It's just that in order for that to happen, he has to fly in to Germany so that we can both hop on a train to Denmark which is another round trip of plane tickets, train tickets, booking an Airbnb for however long it takes to consummate the marriage, boarding for his cat, accommodations and everything. Oh God, I'm dreading the planning. Let me just tell you right now that planning is not my forte at all. I easily get overloaded when there's too many things to consider so we're gonna have to pull this event together between the two of us somehow. 

The positive thing which I appreciate so much is how crisis has brought us closer. It gives me comfort to know that we can lean on each other when things go haywire and rationally talk about everything. We are all in and we will do whatever it takes to convince the God forsaken government to let us be together. It gives me comfort because there's no doubt. No one ever asks if this is still worth pursuing. It may be insanely difficult, but we won't stop until we have the life we deserve. And we both agree that we just don't want to wait any longer. 

Side note: We had the cutest idea ever to get married on Halloween which would have been a dream but they didn't even let me into the country so bye-bye super cool anniversary. Meh, any day is a good day to become his wife. Ever since we met it felt like we were married before we even knew each other. Before that we were opposed to the idea of marriage - the mere idea was nauseating it felt so constricting. So of course marrying each other seemed like a great plan. But here's the thing: We've been making long distance work for several years and we still want nothing more than to be together permanently. Nothing ever changed about that and nothing ever managed to get in the way of that. That's how I know it still is a great plan. Bleh, I sound like I'm explaining myself to my haters or those idiots who are only interested in me if they can pretend I'm single. I've officially sworn off being a projector screen for lonely guys' fantasies, however. I'm here to create art, not to be someone's imaginary KPop idol with no rights and no authority over herself or her life. Thank you so much to those of you who stand for that and defended me, you know who you are. 

Beyond that we haven't planned anything yet. Our lawyer says that my being refused entry will not significantly reduce our chances of being together permanently. It's just about organizing that plan B. 

And yes, I've managed to feed myself and consume lots of fluids, thank you. My disability carer came to see me on her first free appointment after I texted her that I'm back. I talked to her about what happened and I have an appointment with my counselor next week to tell her the same story and discuss the possibility of moving me into a different apartment or whether I can afford it at all. Or whether I'm doomed to suffer crippling headaches and panic attacks for another year and a half. 

If you do listen to this recording, by all means, delete it with a violent rage afterwards. I wish I had the satisfaction of deleting it and it be gone for good, but I'm "lucky" enough to have the 4x as vivid, live, looped version above my head all the time. For way too long I thought I didn't have the right to complain or that it wouldn't lead anywhere anyway - and it probably won't - but heck what've I got to lose? Nothing. Why not raise hell and see what happens. So far I draw the line at getting into black magick just to get rid of them, but only because I am aware of the consequences. Other than that I'd do just about anything to get some sleep. By the way, the impact noises are literally just the kid stomping around and slamming shit so hard it makes the walls shake. Ok, that's all. Thank you for reading this, and now I feel obligated to keep you posted about our marriage plans. You tell me if I should. Ok bye XD