Why I Create (Patreon)

"Why do you create?" Is often one of the questions Patreon throws out whenever I start a post, in case I want to start writing something and have no idea what to write. That never happens. Maybe it's just me but unless I have something to say, I don't even bother to start a post. 

As I'm writing this, it's 5:55PM on a Wednesday and I just got ready after waking up 2 hours ago. I'm vlogging because the Mega tier bonus video is due soon, my laundry is drying on the railing in the little sunlight I get here from about 4PM to 7PM and I refuse to go out in the scorching heat. First I thought I might see if I can get some stuff I need from the old town but everything there... *sips coffee waiting for the clock to strike 6* ... just closed. 

Why do I create? I've been asking myself that ever since I made my first experience with creative burnout. Everyone who attempts to make a career out of their passion encounters that sooner or later. But I think I finally found the answer by asking a marginally different question: Why do I *still* create? In other words, why do I continue to create when I can't find any inspiration? 

I have isolated three reasons that keep me motivated enough to bother with new videos. One straightforward, one humanitarian and one particular. I can't say either one of these is more dominant than another, they all kind of come together like three horses pulling a chariot. There's always at least one horse that's active, often two, sometimes all three. 

The straightforward: 

To make a living. As is stated in my goal on the sidebar of my page, I want to have a life with the love of my life and I want to contribute to our income so the pressure and responsibility isn't all on him all the time. The thing I want to avoid the most is being a burden to him. I want us to be financially secure, which keeps me pushing myself to make more and better videos. Correct me if I'm wrong, but at least I feel like, in order for you all to want to support me, I gotta do my part and actually create enjoyable content for you. Security in the physical world depends on me functioning and bringing something useful to you. I'm incredibly lucky that Patreon became a thing shortly after I started out making ASMR videos because for mental health reasons I've never been able to hold down a full time job in the "real world" and this way I at least have an opportunity to get paid for one of the only things I'm good at and, just as important, bring something of value to the world so I don't rot away in here being totally useless to society and treated as such. So thank you for considering me worth supporting and giving me this opportunity. I'll be happy to continue making content for you until I die or they delete YouTube or some shit. 

The humanitarian:

To help people. For the longest time I've struggled with self-worth until I experienced for myself how important sleep is and thus realized that I make more of a difference than I always thought. It's easy to play it all down as "oh I just make videos on the internet, super silly stuff nothing respectable at all" ... But I also can't deny what you all always tell me - that I've helped you. Like, a lot. And I can't quite grasp it because the vast majority of you I've never met and I don't know how you perceive me. I only know how I perceive me. And the thing I'm grasping on to for self-validation is that I help people sleep. I make people's lives a little less miserable by inducing sleep. "Many large studies have found a relationship between sleepiness and work-related injuries. Highly sleepy workers are 70 percent more likely to be involved in accidents than non-sleepy workers, and workers with chronic insomnia (difficulty getting to or staying asleep) are far more likely than well-rested individuals to report industrial accidents or injuries." - National Sleep Foundation. Not to toot my own horn too much, but I help prevent accidents and bad decisions, if only by a tiny bit in the grand scheme of things, but hey, I'm not useless. And everytime I come across something that I think people need to know, people who are struggling need to hear, the second horse starts galloping to the finish line of creations like "A Little Love" and "Patching You Up". So please keep telling me how I'm helping you. It makes me very happy. 

The particular: 

Collecting videos. I've never been much of a collector of anything as I despise clutter, but everytime I make a new video that I deem worthy and good, I take pleasure in adding it to my pile of videos already on my channel. I'm not sure if it's the "I have made something beautiful" or the "Look at all my shiny videos" that's to blame for my almost greedy drive to add to my "collection" but somehow I just want more, more, more. I want my channel to have hundreds and hundreds of videos, but I also don't wanna make trash. They all have to be created with love like polished trophies, hundreds of little universes to immerse yourself in, to explore and enjoy... I want the future people who have yet to discover my channel to feel like they've stumbled into a gold mine of relaxing videos, probably through word by mouth ten years later or some shit, since the algorithm happens to be rigged against channels like mine (who refuse to monetize their creations). Other people get excited about X subscribers - I get excited about X videos. Other YouTubers want to reach 500.000 subs, I want to reach 500 videos. At least I feel like that's quite particular. I mean, who else do you know who cares that much about how many videos they have on their channel unrelated to how much ad revenue those videos bring in? I guess the same way other artists surround themselves with their art, I revel in the completion of each new video. That's the +1 I really care about. 

It's 7PM now and I'm gonna do some last minute grocery shopping because it's gonna rain tomorrow and won't be thrilled to run errands soaking wet. Let me know your thoughts on this - I just kinda wanted to get this out there now that I know why I'm doing this to myself... I'm just kidding, why I want to make videos even though I torture myself with my excessive perfectionism and comparing myself to other creators when I know I'll come out the loser and ugh. This is my driving force, my raison d'être and I wouldn't have it any other way.