love on hold (Patreon)

I just had to let go the person who makes my life worth living. 

This past month was the best thing that could have happened to me and my mental health. Because we were dead set on getting married soon, before we were told in the second week of May by senator whoeverthefuck that after investigating, our visa petition had been fucked up for no valid reason and at no fault of our own, we decided the best time to get together after a two year wait would be for his birthday. Jack got permission from his work to take 4 weeks off which expires today. As I am sitting at home snuggling his shirt that he left me, he should be well into his flight and probably fighting an attendant for the wifi. I hear they can be stubborn about it. 

The hardest part was walking up the steps to my apartment and realizing that he wouldn't be there. It broke my heart a little.

Without him, this is just a shoddy shoe box with noise pollution and neighbors that make you homicidal. I don't want to be here. I don't belong here. I belong with him. His absence leaves me weak against the tears I've been fighting all morning. No extra pair of boots in the entryway... No one to snuggle in bed with... No one to randomly put on good music... It chips away at my resolve. And this bed seems awfully big and cold...

I'm writing this as I'm waiting for his name to glow up blue on steam, in an attempt to ease my loneliness while waiting to ease my loneliness. It's funny because damn near every time I mention marrying someone from another country, people initially react like I've lost my mind and like it'll never work out. They ask me if I'm sure I want this. I couldn't be more sure. Look at me now. I'm heartbroken and miserable to the point where half the internet would make fun of my pain if they could see me. And look at me with him... Once I've edited some vlogs. My alarm didn't go off in the morning as if even my phone wanted him to stay. And we will continue to fight to be together. 

After we were told that we have to reapply for a visa, we looked into getting married in Germany and filing for a spouse visa in the hopes it'll go faster because, come on... Two years is a ludicrous wait to be rejected. I remember that morning well because we woke up early by our standards and then, barely made it through a half cup of coffee, I looked up the registry office's opening hours and we learned that they close for lunch ... and never open again for the day. I basically rushed Jack out of bed to get started on getting married ASAP. You must understand, we are both still salty about how the USCIS handled our petition - something's gotta give. At the registry office we were each given a detailed list of documents they require from us in order to legalize the marriage. My heart sank a little when I was told that they want a Russian copy of my birth certificate (I only have the German translation because that's all you ever need? Apparently not.) and a late repatriate whateverthefuck from 25 years ago when my parents came to Germany aswell as name change whathaveyou and notarized + officially translated goddamn everything for his part... Needless to say, all that crap couldn't be acquired within just a month. He did give me the power of attorney so finding all the documents and legalizing our marriage in Germany where I am able to sign for us both to save plane ticket $$ will be our plan C (or D.) 

So we decided to just make the most of our time together and look into an immigration lawyer before deciding on the easiest and fastest course of action. 

We went on adventures and every part of the last 4 weeks right down to laundry and grocery shopping is the best experience I've had in a while and I'm extremely appreciative of it all. He loved me through the tipsy flirting and the period cramps, the cozy snuggles and crippling social anxiety. And I feel it even stronger now that I want this to be my life. I want to cook for him and pamper him and go places and see things with him and just be the lovey-dovey couple that make bitter people want to throw up. I don't see why we should be denied that. You'd think finding that person would be the hardest part... Nope. No one prepared us for the challenge of finding a secure way to permanently be together. But the only way I can bear the burden of separation is through the promise of forever. 

Sometimes you just can't afford to not believe in something and this is it. 

This summer will bring...

Hopefully concrete plans for our next meeting. We agreed that we would not wait two years again but try to realize more frequent trips. Some vlogs from our time together though I'm still hesitant to post anything so personal as it's been recently brought to my attention that someone shared the recording from our patron-only livechat on reddit which basically killed the trust I had built in this community over time and gave me near-intolerable levels of anxiety and paranoia. Please refrain from doing crap like that. It really hurts me psychologically. I'm still shaking thinking about the fact that a patron would do such a thing when in the chat itself I mention how I can't handle people talking about me. ... Some new ASMR videos which I developed ideas for while Jack was here. Turns out some time away from work is required for inspiration to return. Catching up with videos and easter eggs I was gonna do beforehand. Writing at least one post about vacation with lots of photos. Experimenting with the green screen I purchased just before Jack arrived to try and expand my video creation. Probably requires my hair to not be chroma key green huh... Let's all take a moment to appreciate the temporary irony... And of course doing the next set of rewards. 

Thank you for reading this update and for your patience with my channel and for being nice to me and Jack. I really appreciate your kindness and support. Although I admit I'm scared - of opening up and of not being good enough - I'll do my best to make sure it'll be worth it. 

Me and my broken heart will go and stalk the steam chat all by ourselves now. Thank you to everyone who is wishing us a speedy reunion and permanent marriage