⛥February Q&A⛥ (Patreon)

How are you all doing? I hope things have been improving for you and you're getting to enjoy life a little. I've been mostly ok with a good balance of managing meltdowns and little by little pushing myself to be productive. Today I challenged myself to do stuff for 4 hours straight and I rolled out your questions while my dishes are soaking. I have oxygen (neighbor hasn't had a smoke in 30 minutes! alert the media!) and fancy iced green tea (yes, the one from the video) and I'm ready to chat. 

An integer from 100 to 999, inclusive, is to be chosen at random. What is the probability that the number chosen will have 0 as at least one digit? 19%

Which song fits your current mood best? Snake River Conspiracy - Act Your Age ... This is funny because on the outside I think I'm doing quite well. I worked out today (stupid calisthenics but I checked off an hour) and I'm not on the verge of a mental breakdown which is a bit of a miracle. Yet this song was the first one that came to mind instantly. It's quite melancholic and the best connection I can make is because of what I've been thinking about this morning. I watched a show with my workout (Fat Families, don't judge) and at one point the guy said to the one lady she looks at herself like she'll never shine, which got me thinking about how I live my life because I really identify with that. I don't get my hopes up much, for myself or my life or the possibility of accomplishing anything worthwhile. I live like someone who thinks they'll never shine. I don't wake up in the morning and even consider the possibility that it  could be a good day. Everything is always a drag and I think I'm a fucking loser. Does that shock you? It surprised me a little when I figured that out but I know exactly why I feel that way. Growing up, everyone treated me like a fucking loser. It really came from two directions - my parents saying I'll never be anything if I don't get straight A's and my peers downright rejecting me for "seeming kinda weird idk". I had no one to give me any positive input. And then there's the simple fact that shining is dangerous, especially with a narcissistic parent. Between my mother shaming me for having fun while she's working and kids making fun of me whenever I got passionate about something, I just learned to hide. I learned very early that if people can see that I'm doing well, succeeding or feeling good - they will try to take that away from me. It happens to everyone. Anyone who sees any kind of success has people trying to bring them down, spreading ridiculous rumors about them and trying to profit from their misery. Not shining is boring and frustrating - but it's safe. I learned not to share anything that means a lot to me personally because people put me down too much. And you really can't even begin to comprehend how a casual "why do you like that? that's stupid" affects a person until it happens to you. (Even worse if it's coming from your own mother.) I feel insane levels of anxiety everytime I even think about mentioning something I genuinely like or something that moves me. Can anyone relate? It's like I try to keep things important to me safe from the world as if everyone is out to destroy anything that gives me life. And that's my mood. 

Have you ever been on 4chan? No... but I associate it with creeps and fetishists. I'm not sure why. Is that even a thing anymore?

Do you enjoy traveling? If so, by what means (on foot, by car, bus, train, ship, airplane, rocket, death star, tardis...)? I like seeing new places, but not so much the time spent moving to the places, if that answers your question. Aside from romanticizing road trips with my super hot driver, there's nothing that special about transportation that I can comprehend at least. I like walking for exercise, but mostly because I despise any other form of cardio. Walking places is my way of staying fit and saving money and if I get some cool photos out of it, all the better! Car rides can be fun with good company (and music) but otherwise no thanks. Car smell makes me sick. Anywhere that has bad, stale air really. Busses are the fucking worst, especially if some dumbass thinks it's a good idea to bring an open can of red bull on a bus. That's a surefire way to make me throw up. Trains are probably the least bad in terms of air quality but I don't fancy being trapped inside an enclosed space with people I don't know. You never know. Someone might try to make smalltalk! And then I have to tell them to leave me alone and then they may or may not listen and just everything about potential confrontation is anxiety inducing. Also, I don't know if you knew, but I have the absolute fucking ridiculously worst sense of direction. I get lost trying to go to places I've been before, several times! Everytime I have to see my counselor in her office I get anxious whether I'm on the right bus and whether I'll remember where I have to get off. Walking places helps me memorize the route and location (through trial and error) so yeah, I'D RATHER WALK. XD

Do any of the witchcraft rituals you perform follow pagan holidays or rites - imbolc, ostara, blots, etc - or are they more daily things (moods and events) and instinct-based nudges rather than any "recognized" practices?  Sometimes, but only when I feel called to celebrating a certain holiday. Lately I've found myself more in tune with and affected by the moon phases so most of my rituals have been revolving around those. I'm still learning about various kinds of practices and always adding to my repertoire of magical tools. But it's not a chore to me. It's very much intrinsically inspired - I just get this idea all of a sudden and feel very strongly that that's what I have to do. So I go into hyperdrive gathering things I'll need, as if guided by an invisible hand, until I know it's complete. In that way, the magic kind of happens through me, rather than me deciding "I'll do this on that date and another thing in two weeks" because I'm rather terrible at predicting the future, with my mental health and all, so even if I try to plan, there's about a 50-50 chance it might or might not work out. No point in gambling on something too far in the future for me. 

And, something unrelated - cyberpunk vs "traditional" goth-punk, which is more interesting in terms of music, fashion, and cultural impact? Both are uniquely interesting, though Cyberpunk seems to have less authoritative gatekeepers shouting at everyone that they're doing "their" subculture wrong lol. In terms of music, it's equally as difficult to find music to use for ASMR roleplays. Fashion-wise I'm leaning towards Cyberpunk because it seems a lot more functional and wearable which is very important to me. I bought myself a "sexy black jumpsuit" to wear for everyday because, and I have to highlight this, I like being able to move around without stupid clothes shifting about and moving in uncomfortable places. I'm actually quite the agile, active, sporty person but "normal" clothes make me feel restrained. I need something that fits snugly, stretches and supports my oddly exaggerated movements. I don't know why it took me a lifetime to notice this, but occasionally I get into the odd dancing mood and last time I had fun dancing to music on my bed, I realized how exaggerated everything I did was. I could see myself in my altar mirror. It was a revelation. I think that's why people think I'm an attention-seeking drama queen or some shit. It's my exceptionally expressive expressions. It's not on purpose! Whether it's the faces I make or gestures or, well, dancing - everytime I think I move a little bit, I'm actually way out there. I have to make a real effort to tone it down to seem barely normal. Now I finally understand why I got in trouble for making faces all the time as a child. I was punished for being angry and I thought I was hiding my emotions quite well but apparently not lol. That was a weird tangent. 

It seems like over the past 1-2 years that smaller ASMR channels are really stepping into the empty spots left by some of the "big" ASMR channels that stopped posting (15-20 channels at 30-100k views/video vs 3-4 channels with 1-5m views/video).  Do you think this shift is a good thing, a bad thing, or relatively inconsequential? Honest to god, if I'm not one of them, I don't care. "No one adores you, no one rewards you, nobody hears what you say..." this is how I feel being part of the ASMR community XD I contribute, but none of the other artists seem to give a fuck about me. So fuck that. 

What are your feelings on the wider ASMR community? How do you distinguish the sycophant and troll comments from useful constructive criticism? Brilliant question. *exhales slowly through mouth* Sometimes it's hard for me to differentiate between my general paranoia/distrust of everyone and genuine creepy vibes I get from someone. But whenever I get creepy vibes from someone, I will avoid responding to those people. I don't know what it is, sometimes comments with seemingly nice words just make me want to run away, dig a hole in the ground, get in the hole and hope they go away. That's not to say that everyone I don't respond to is a creep or troll - if I still owe you a response to a message I'm sorry, I will get around to it. This is a difficult question to answer because it touches on one of my worst fears. It's so bad I have nightmares about it. It's the fact that some people feel entitled to my attention and/or obedience because they support my videos. I've said from the beginning that my attention is not a tier reward but you can't really cancel out people's (often subconscious) motivations. I like to think I've seen it all - people saying they're fans and then turning on me when I don't respond to their comments, people thinking giving me money will influence me to make the types of videos they're asking for like an undisclosed, one-sided contract, people spamming me with private messages saying they want to talk to me and that I owe them that without saying anything about what they want to talk to me about, people expecting me to bulldoze my boundaries for them... That's why I stay distant to protect myself. One of my biggest regrets in the beginning was taking requests. People love it when they can tell you exactly what to do - they ask, you deliver. This is, sadly, how some people out there see content creators. A good percentage of people feel entitled to the attention of the creators they like because YouTube has grown to the point it is at now based on this concept. This is a brilliant environment for people who want to get something out of someone famous(ish). I never wanted that. It makes me feel like I'm just an object to them. I already struggle with the fact that hardly anyone (I think) sees me for who I am, because watching someone talk to a camera for an hour does NOT mean you know them on a personal level or even as much as give you an idea of who they are, but people think they do. And when you act out of alignment with who they want you to be, they become disillusioned and you're lucky if they just unsubscribe and walk away. So yeah, avoidance and enforcing boundaries is how I keep my sanity. It's basically a requirement for every public figure to be super super super careful about who you let in. I try to trust my intuition on that one but the whole topic makes me so anxious that sometimes I don't know what I'm doing and fuck up and then I try to sit it out if I can. I don't take requests, don't do anything that makes me uncomfortable and do what I want when I want. I also don't take criticism. Not because I'm a flawless creature of the heavens, but because my self-esteem is fragile as shit and the only way I can manage to preserve it is by doing my thing and figure shit out for myself. Do I like this aesthetic? Is this sound annoying? Is this project worth my time? I work hard to make the types of videos *I* would want to see. I only see flaws anyway and do my best to improve based on that. Taking on everyone else's criticism on top of that would break me. There are particular things I like that a lot of people dislike (creepy ass shit) and things I find comforting that a lot of people find - creepy as shit. So when people complain about those, it just makes me want to do more of that. But beyond that, as I've said before, this channel is my vision and my creative outlet. It's self-expression. Oh, look, a segway into your other question!
My feelings about the wider ASMR community - I feel underappreciated, honestly. Like I'm the kid no one wants to talk to/about. Since I don't feel like I'm part of the community and more like I'm in the corner doing my thing, it makes me feel separated from everyone else so I don't really have feelings worth mentioning regarding the rest of the community. They exist, I guess. It's harder now to find videos I enjoy so that's saddening. I don't care for the popular shit.  Sick and tired of eating ASMR mukbang type shit. I didn't mind it existing as a subgenre until Instagram kept shoving that shit in my face over and over and now I've grown to detest it. A little bit of resentment that this trash gets more views than my roleplays. The general feeling I have is, I guess, that I'm not wanted here either. I don't fit in here either. So I'll just be here doing my thing for the people who also want more than "just another tapping video hair brushing big boobs honeycomb slime ear eating red lipstick and lingerie". I'm making videos for likeminded people. As long as it makes a difference in someone's life, I've done my job. 

My dishes are definitely soaked by now. I hope this was informative and/or satisfying to read. Stay tuned for the March Q&A to post follow up questions or anything else you thought of. Sorry, I have to turn the song off XD It's starting to drag me down. Such emotion, much wow. 

Have a good rest of your day! 

//Ally