chaos is my normal (Patreon)

How were you affected by the Super Blood Wolf Moon a few days ago? 

I'm asking how and not if because I hear from everywhere that damn near everyone has been hit really hard. And I'm no different. 

I've been living the past two weeks on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My disability carer gave me the wrong date for my appointment with my counselor which pushed me over the edge. It was indescribably difficult to manage a nervous breakdown on my own, get myself to safety and not self-harm. I ended up cancelling all appointments for the rest of the month and I'm finding it hard to function. I cannot handle stress whatsoever. Just the task of fixing dinner is too much some days. 

I didn't make any plans for the lunar eclipse for that reason (also because natural events rarely make it to Germany - the last three years it's been overcast as shit for every single eclipse), but when I got to witness it in the late stages in the middle of my evening with Jack, I just felt called to do a ritual. At first I was just going to burn incense and set an intention, but my soul had different plans. While browsing through my modest incense collection, I thought about what kind of intention I could set - that's when I found the jar of, only a few morsels left, one of my favorite blends to use. It's called balm for the soul and casts a protective shield around vulnerable souls. Sounded perfect, seeing how I've been suffering from crippling hypersensitivity and insomnia. I burned it on a piece of coal in my little copper cauldron (see image) and bathed in the smoke for a few minutes... But I somehow didn't feel complete. Instinctively, my mind started burrowing a path through the obstacles from the altar in my bedroom to the bowl of buried crystals that I haven't touched in an embarrassingly long time. I just knew I had to go grab my garnet necklace, rinse off the salt and charge it with a spell. As I periodically sprinkled on more of the same incense, bathing the pendant in the smoke, I realized what I needed more than anything. So I set an intention to gain emotional stability - for without it, I won't be able to move forward anywhere. I won't even get out of bed. I repeated mantras until all I could see was a deep indigo aura around the crystal at which point I knew it was working. 

I've been wearing the necklace ever since and I'm noticing a respectable effect from it. It's also in the photo, but you can't see it because of how I'm artistically covering my breasts. I think I captured pretty well how I'm feeling lately.
The next day I added another layer to my spell for emotional security. It's making a real difference already. Though I have a lot of desires for the new beginning that's approaching each of us, this one is by far the most important. I need to understand and create stability and security all around me before anything else can happen. So far, I've established that I need the stability of sleeping at my usual times. I need to be in contact with Jack for emotional stability. I need to be extremely selective of what I put up with and just will not hesitate to block anyone who gets on my nerves. Hey, you, being self-conscious about what I just said. Don't worry, you'd have to be really rude, dumb and obnoxious/manipulative to get your ass blocked. And you're all lovely intelligent people so I wouldn't sweat it. I'm just done putting up with shit that gets on my nerves. I need to preserve my nerves. I need to ... never read YouTube comments ever again. Seriously, I still haven't brought myself to look at the comments feed. I read your comments on my latest video just before I published it. But other than that YouTube comments are a big ole toxic nope-nope. There's always one douchebag who thinks their brain diarrhea is a valid contribution and it always ruins my day when I'm more or less alright and I don't think I could handle anything remotely stress inducing in my state of mind. This is me defending my bubble. I've never done that before.

Tonight is pizza night and for the first time I decided to make my own. You know what they say, if you want something to be done right... I just didn't wanna gamble on a probably-mediocre frozen pie with sub par ingredients... they always skimp on the good toppings. Mine will have a flaming cake crust (Flammkuchen - look it up it's literally the most delicious thing ever invented), cream cheese, pesto, grated goat cheese, roast beef, tomatoes, zucchini, red onion, arugula and maybe bacon cause bacon. Possibly mushrooms, too. What would your ideal pizza be? Comment below. Ally, did you forget to buy potato chips- yes, that's exactly what happened. 

I know my rewards are all over the place this month. But by the end you'll get all the downloads, I just wanna see if I can manage to finish another video to include in the download dump - and I'm still figuring out the rest. For tonight, though, I'll content myself with figuring out my pizza. I'm still streaming this month, ultra and cosmic tier should be able to see the post. I wish I had the energy/mental capacity to do all the things to at least help you feel better. That's always like my first thought when I learn that I'm not the only one who feels like shit. If you'd like to vent, you're welcome to do so in the comments aswell. I promise I'll do my best. 

Ally