a blog about low self-worth (Patreon)

My hair is in braids and just won't dry
The next video will be ready in three days time
Turns out I'm exhausted, I thought I was fine
The feeling I get is just Do or Die

I've been on a diet to make myself slim
Caffeine is required to not quit on a whim
Cheat days are few and my mood sometimes grim
Pour the damn tea all the way to the brim

This is my poem dedicated to the time I'm going through. I'm a little out of it and I'm not sure why. I just try to function and tell myself I'm ok. And I don't know why I do that either. I have a lot of work to do and it's been a great distraction instead of a source of stress. But a distraction from what? I don't know. That means it's working. Two appointments fucked my sleep schedule again so I'm starting my day early after a three hour nap with what I call "the caffeinated green stuff" (green tea). Maybe I should have started my post with "Dear diary..." but here we are lol. 

There's a video rendering at the moment that may or may not be available Monday. I say that because it took 11 hours to render 20% of the 70 minute 4K Libra sex signs reading. After that, we only have two more chapters left. I like this one better than the other readings I've done because it's more me and less "acting friendly". Seeing as how my videos are improving, I just wanna start from here and delete everything that came before - everything that isn't excellent. I don't wanna be judged by the shit I've done and especially I don't want people to subscribe for shit I don't do anymore. But ugh the time it would take to redo everything... I wonder if it bothers anyone else as much as it bothers me that the quality of my videos isn't all equal. 

At this point, I need to move to my desk and turn the heavy metal up as loud as possible b/c temper tantrums. 

That's better. 

So I thought I might tell you some of my plans for December. Unsurprisingly, it's gonna be full of work. Thank you for sticking with me through the low productivity months. This one is gonna be different. It's weird because I was just talking about recreation and that I need to feel like I have a life. I still think about that. I know I have the option. I just don't particularly feel like having fun. Also, it's winter and this place is even more boring and useless than in the summer. Maybe it is seasonal depression. Maybe I'm holding myself to a weird unachievable standard for how happy I should feel to justify putting videos out. I feel like I have to be bubbly and excitable to make people happy. The videos I enjoy making seem to be the ones you like the best. I'm just nowhere near happy and bubbly lately but making videos is my escape from whatever is happening with me. So it keeps me from breaking down I think. 

Since I'm stuck here way longer than anyone in love should have to be, I'm planning another cat food donation next week. They updated the patron chart so now I can see former patrons which helps me out a lot because I can see who pledged on which tier and count their pledge towards the cat food donations. It also helps me to see whom I still owe rewards so that's super useful. It'll be late af but I want everyone to get what they signed up for. 

I'm still working on the projects that I didn't get to do in the fall like Shiki and the Seance video. It's been stupid warm here. Not that mild weather is stupid. Just that I didn't see that coming. If I can get into character, I can probably film the Ray part soon. I just won't be able to edit anything until that one video is done. But I can pre-film as much as the camera batteries will allow in any one night. I usually exhaust one battery just building the set lol. 

I'm probably not gonna take time off over the holidays, at least not any more than will be occupied by activities with Jack. I have several video ideas besides the ones I just mentioned, including one deep and ethereal one and then of course there's the Rose quartz and Diamond healing video you guys voted into existence. I still have to go and purchase a diamond for that. The raw stones are actually not as expensive as you might think. They just inflate the price for the shiny cut varieties. We will see how many of those videos I can complete in December but I'm positive it will be more than two, lol. 

On the topic of competition... You know, I used to think I was one of the best ASMRtists out there. I still think I'm vastly underrated, but now with so many more people popping up in my suggestions who make really really good stuff I'm quickly being put in my place. It's a little discouraging. I guess I just need to figure out what I really wanna do. I know I can't do everything but I feel like I'm being outdone left and right. I just don't feel good enough anymore. I feel like I have to be 100x better than I am now, like, yesterday. And somehow I just can't be satisfied with being pushed into a niche. I don't like it when other people decide who I am. I think it's my birthright to decide and assert that. But I can't do that on YouTube. Maybe I'll just always be an outsider. Never accepted by any community I may or may not want to belong to. It doesn't seem like anything has changed since I was in school. The best chance I had of being valued and acknowledged by the community was when I was all cute and fake happy. I don't fit in here either. 

I have a different sense of belonging. I know I belong in this universe and my soul belongs in my soul group and I belong on this life path. I would even say I belong on this earth. I recognize that all that's happened is that people treated me like I'm not wanted and it made me feel universally unwanted. I'm just... Stuck in a perpetual cycle of standing out wherever I go. I don't think I like it. The more I make peace with who I am, the less I fit in. I just like different things from most people and I'm ok with it. I'm ok with being depressed and I'm ok with not being ok. I don't condemn myself for the way I feel or the way I am. It's... Other people that do that. I guess I can't be myself and be accepted at the same time. I've always just attracted a very select group of deep and thoughtful individuals (you), and not much more than that. Maybe that's where I should start. Impressing other people seems pointless and ridiculous. It's like I'm condemned to just an elite circle of intelligent people who aren't terrified of thinking and feeling and questioning stuff. I just regret there's so few of you. I want a whole planet of you. 

And yet I feel like it's my fault, like I'm doing something wrong for not being able to convince everyone to like me. So that's how I'm walking through life. I brace myself for everyone's judgement and projections and they've never been favorable. But that's who I am. Not by choice. But by the way I was born. I'm tired of being made to feel ashamed of it. 

"Mainstream" people, and I'm avoiding using the word "normal", often complain that I appear the way I do, that I look and act the way I do, because that's what makes me stand out. They like to accuse me of wanting to stand out and wanting attention because in their heads, it's easy - all I would have to do to fit in and be accepted is dress and act like everyone else. But that's the thing I can't do anymore. I'm tired of camouflaging my personality and hiding what I really like and being someone I'm not. I'm tired of hiding what I believe in and I'm tired of people's dumb assumptions. I don't like being misunderstood. How do I get people to understand me? It seems pointless. Not even my ex would accept who I am when I laid it out to her face. She had already put me in a stupid box I never wanted to be in and treated me accordingly. She wasn't interested in getting to know who I was. So if I can't convince someone who claims to love me to take me as I am, how am I supposed to get random strangers to see me for who I am? Especially if sharing a lot of the things that define me is highly unsafe. For someone who stands out like a two headed goat, I sure feel invisible. 

So that was a few updates and some deep talk and oh my god the screaming still hasn't stopped. Feel free to comment while I do stuff and ponder why I'm such an outcast. Hope you are well.

//Ally