god i hate people (Patreon)

I hope you're all staying safe from the cold, southern hemisphere excluded. 

Winter has definitely made a grand entrance here with a little snowfall and freezing cold wind. I've been going on walks purely so I don't have to listen to temper tantrums from the second I wake up and it is a task to defrost my hands afterwards. 

Do you guys have problems with painfully dry air, too? I definitely took the rain and fog of the first half of November for granted. Now I can't sleep unless I let the shower run hot for 10 minutes before bed and hang wet towels over the heaters. DIY humidifier. There's just one thing worth braving the cold for one last time before I huddle up until the last snow has melted. 

Recently I've been visited by the acting muse. You may have noticed in the last video and it makes me happy that so many of you seemed to like the haircut. Before it's too late, I'm dead set on filming how the Shiki story ended, which includes an outdoor shoot. Temperature doesn't affect Shiki, I believe, it may slow them down a little though because, well, it freezes their flesh. Excuse me while I space out thinking how to put that in the roleplay... 

Ah, these are the exact temper tantrums I was talking about. Is it possible to regret that another person exists? Because I very much regret that this family exists. 

The good news is, the chance that anyone would be out where I'm shooting in the middle of the night in these temperatures is extremely, extremely low. I've already done a test a couple months (?) ago and found out, if there's no light, the camera doesn't pick anything up. But if there's a little bit of light, like, say, from the city lights in the distance, the ISO is a lifesaver. It looks beautiful and I assume I can reduce the grain a little as long as the roleplay doesn't wind up being an hour long. I guess I'm gonna do Maya's part first to ease into it. 

I've also filmed the monthly bonus video yesterday but I've been trying to load it ever since and keep getting error messages everytime so I guess it just doesn't like my facts. It probably wishes I could go back to being blonde and pretty and less threatening to its stupid norms and status quo. I accidentally filmed it in 4K and it takes forever to load anyway and after waiting for 4 hours it's like "error with X codec" or "undetermined error" and I'm tired of it. God I hate mercury retrograde. Fuck you mercury, fuck you for existing. I wanna push you into the sun you cunt. 

Lately, the extent of my hate for humanity has been triggered. The beast has been unleashed. I've been putting more time into my fitness and chasing recreational activities, only to find that nothing here appeals to me. Any experiences I could have would probably be ruined by stupid fucktards trying to harass me for how I look. If I could get away with killing them all, I would do it. Society doesn't need them, they're just obnoxious metrosexual hipsters who want to fight you for no fucking reason. Pathetic douchebags who think they're cool. A disgrace to the human race. All the decent people would be better off without those pricks. Ever since I was little I remember dreaming of a world where everyone is peaceful and respectful. A world I could be safe in. Such a world doesn't exist, it's just a fantasy. It's all just insensitive morons putting themselves at the very top in the social hierarchy and the worst part is - people listen to them. Everyone just goes along with what the dumb "popular" kids say and the decent minority are left to fend for themselves. People don't care about who's smart, who's competent, who's innovative... They care about who's "cute". They care about who's "fuckable". That's who they vote for and put their trust in. Seems like beautiful people can do no wrong, huh? It's all just a dumb popularity contest. If people like you, you have a good life, friends, a great job... If you're not quite as charming, well, you're on your own. As a teenager, I was hoping to outgrow this pathetic high school scheme into a world that's more reasonable and fair, but to my dismay I had to learn that a surprising number of people never grow up. Walk into any office or any club and you will see what I mean. I grew up as someone who people aren't quite sure what to make of. I was born kinda different, kinda weird. When you stand out, people instantly accuse you of wanting to stand out at all cost. If you like or do things that differ from the norm, people assume you just wanna be different and just refuse to conform for the sake of being unique and special. I never asked for this. I don't mean to stand out. I just kinda do. I stand out even when I try to hide. And for that, people treat me like I "just want attention" and think it's ok to be horrible to me. Next on sick, sad world...

The way I feel when people tell me "you used to be so sweet and beautiful" is that I could be "popular" if I were blonde and not myself and let people abuse me. Because that's who I used to be. That's who people liked. Someone who wasn't me and let everyone walk all over her. So it makes me feel like all these people care about is being able to take advantage of me and make me into something that suits their needs. Bam. Truth bomb. That's why those comments set me off and make my blood boil. "You used to be so sweet, what happened?" People happened. People like you, moron. (Not you, reader, but people who said this to me.) People who drained the sweetness out of me and made me bitter and cynical about this whole dumb world. People who made me lose hope in humanity. People who make me not want to go outside. People who make me feel like the world doesn't deserve me or my work or my insight. People who make me want to take it all away. 

You all are honestly the only thing that keeps me going when every day I have to deal with people complaining about how I make videos and block morons and correct people spreading bullshit about me. I've found myself retreating more into Patreon where I know everyone who supports me here probably wants the best for me. I feel a little safer opening up here rather than the fucking Chernobyl that YouTube has become. It's ridiculous. You can do so much as state your opinion and half the people want to fight you for it. I don't wanna fight, metrosexual hipster, I just wanna make my videos and make a living and be appreciated and maybe make a difference. I just wanna live in peace but god forbid your face is on the internet, then you're instantly a target for abuse and people think it's ok. And don't get me started on the projections. "You're not ____ enough, you're not ______ enough, you're too _______, I liked you better before cause you used to be ________ and now you're too _________" there's nothing I haven't heard at this point and yet no one who leaves a comment like that really has any way of knowing if any of that is true. It's only in their minds. 

So I feel the need to thank you for giving me a chance to be myself and express myself and prove myself. The more time passes, the closer I get to the inevitable death that awaits us all and I've been more careful with what I put my energy in and considering what kind of videos I want to make. Roleplaying is fun and there's nothing I'd rather do for a living. At least not now. It's all the rest that comes with it that bothers me. Thank you for allowing me to develop naturally and for your encouraging words in this chaotic place. 

My only wish is to make videos I can be proud of. 

Now that that's off my chest, I have a lot to do today so I'm gonna start organizing some stuff so the rest of the month's projects can move along. 

Hope you are well.