will I ever be enough? (Patreon)

I hope you like this autumnal photo of our town's very own castle. 

One of the rarer shoots that I went on in broad daylight. History lives on and even though we may wish to return to simpler times, thinking that surely, people must have been less douchy back then (at least there were less of them) - we still have these reminders of those who came before us. Beautiful, ornate buildings - magnificently crafted... A time in which architecture was a real art, as opposed to the loveless structures we erect nowadays that honestly, a kindergartener could have designed better. Measured and calculated out perfectly, yet uninspiring and unconducive to the aesthetic sense. Prioritizing straight lines and uniform windows over elegant arches and inspiring colors that could have created a magnificent home one would be proud to inhabit... And instead we have depressing little cubicles where the only value lies in the roof placed over it and the number of toilets. We place too much value on practicality and functionality and not enough on imagination and inspiration and this mirrors in our streets and houses.

So this is my take on architecture. Why don't we make pretty buildings anymore? Who wouldn't want to live and work in a beautiful environment? I know I would. 

It's been rainy and I'm downing my grassy yet lifesaving tea after barely completing errands. My circulation is compromised. Going through my usual cycles has got me thinking about what these cycles actually mean and I've been exploring the divine feminine in me. I've never placed much importance on them because, well, I was taught by society that I shouldn't - but lately I've come to realize how much my gender (my physical embodiment of the moon goddess) really defines me. Everytime I talk about it I am prepared to throw out disclaimers because in this politically correct age of "equality", people are sensitive to any notions about the nature of gender. We want to make everything the same when it's not and never will be the same. So to be sure I'm absolutely clear, I'm not talking about gender roles or assigning random shit to the sexes. I am talking about the difference between feminine energy and masculine energy. Every human being has feminine energy and masculine energy. Yin and yang. Some lean more extremely towards either side, some are more balanced. My body is female and that is not a trivial thing. It means that my physical emodiment is ruled by the divine feminine and that is the drum it marches to. It's just started to dawn on me that I am in my body a majority of the time. I identify with my body and my gender. My cycles not only affect me - they define me. They shape what I am able to do. And this is how I've come to realize why I can never meet my own arbitrary goals. 

Because as much as I would like, I cannot pause or force close my cycles. You see, I set my goals and make my plans from a (masculine) driven, goal oriented place. In my rational mind, there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to complete the plans that I lay out for myself, make X videos a month and be efficient and successful. What I was never able to grasp is that my feminine side has completely different needs and functions by completely different rules. My feminine side needs freedom and lightness and play. I've seen and felt what it can do from a whole, fulfilled and inspired place - but the same results that require this level of freedom and spontaneity cannot be planned and scheduled the way my masculine side wants it. I am a woman, I want to create. But I want to create what I want, when I want. Being female in nature makes my receptivity and flexibility my biggest strength. I'm sure you can see how as soon as I put a deadline on creativity, the very requirements to be able to create at all are just not met. I cannot physically force myself to create when I don't feel like it. My biggest strength as a woman is to let life happen through me. Without inspiration, anything I could ever create would be mediocre at best. 

And while I admire my masculine side for coming up with these elaborate plans of what I should be focusing on, how I want it to look and when I want it done - you just can't rush creation. Nature doesn't listen to imposed deadlines for when flowers should bloom or grass should grow. That would be like saying to a pregnant woman "Alright, I need the child to be born by this exact date, so you better hurry up and grow it faster" ... It's just not happening, you see. It's gonna be ready whenever it's fucking ready. That's the thing I did not understand. I was always under the impression that I'm the one that's supposed to make everything happen, but nothing happens that way. And I'm only now realizing that I've been restricting the true creative force in me with my unparalleled competitiveness and my ridiculously high standards. I made my creation about hard work and there's no denying that there's a place for hard work, but... The one big mistake I made is that I forgot how to play. 

I ran myself into a ditch, emotionally and creatively, because I didn't realize that great work comes from inspiration, inspiration comes from openness, openness comes from fulfillment and fulfillment comes from prioritizing my wellbeing. 

And all that comes from a core belief that I am not enough. I wouldn't set all these goals and these requirements if I trusted myself and my own creative abilities - if I believed that, when left to my own accord, I would be able to be inspired and create "enough" to meet outside demands. All this pressure is just me trying to make sure I will be supported so I can contribute to our family and continue to create bigger things. When you think about it, it's quite endearing. 

I've been sensing for a while now that I need a new approach to how I do things. I didn't think it was possible to live life and meet my needs at the same time. Because, ultimately, it wasn't possible growing up. There was no room for my needs. Everything was always planned out and even if it was a spontaneous plan, I had no say in it. All life I just felt like I was being dragged through life. Get this done by this time, be able to do that by that time - what you want or need is irrelevant. I either had to be ready when my parents needed me to be or my only other option was to be all alone. It was only when I was alone that I was able to feed myself when I was hungry, sleep when I was tired and take baths when I was sweaty. This is how I came to associate loneliness with freedom. But the other day I spent a whole day just heeding to my needs. I slept for a few days straight with short wake periods and then I felt the need to clean my body thoroughly. It felt so good to "just" go for what I need. I don't understand why this wasn't a given. For the first time I genuinely felt like, if I could live my whole life like this, I would want to sign up for that. 

It's time to stop listening to the crowds of people asking me to fulfill their projections. Time to let my creation unfold naturally. Time to grant my own needs. Time to make it ok to have them. Time to reconcile my energies. Time to set myself free. 

It's time.