trying and failing and trying some more (Patreon)

I'm sorry, I feel like such a failure. There's no conceivable way I can finish the cyberpunk video this month. It'll likely come out within like a week, though. I'm trying and trying but progress is so slow. I made it to the copy shop to print the last of the pictures and bought some stuff I'll need to make it realistic and that's it. Was going to film yesterday but it was raining and storming very loudly all night. (It's not raining in the first part I filmed weeks ago so immersion = ruined) Was going to film today but I just can't get enough sleep for anything in the world. I wake up after 4 hours, can't go back to sleep, and of course by the time it's 12AM and quiet enough to film, I'm dead tired and can't function for shit. I've been sleeping 12-3 at night to make up for the difference but even though I force myself to stay awake after 3, I can still barely keep my eyes open and crash as soon as 6, only to wake up restless a few hours later and so on and so forth. It's so frustrating. I'll likely be pulling baby steps every day until I can finally manage to film the last portion of the video. Sorry to disappoint yet again. If it makes up for anything, you'll meet a cool new character who's gonna do your tattoo with some fancy tech. I don't have a script (I never do) but I have a rough idea of all the lines and triggers I want to use. 

Does anyone know how to not be a nervous trainwreck? Last time I went out the barista used a different word from what I'm used to and I freaked out. You see, I only function in society via my "trained phrases" - phrases I've practiced in controlled environments that guarantee a smooth interaction. I say "I'm gonna have a ________" and the barista says "alright" or "coming right up" - not "gladly" ... You're being too polite, please stop. The truth is, I'm completely lost when I'm faced with anything unexpected. I freeze up, don't know how to behave, blank and get awkward. End result = everyone thinks I'm weird. You don't know how much effort it took me just to arrive at "I'm gonna have a ________" - A lot of training and awkwardness had preceded the establishment of this trained phrase. "Can I get a ________" - too insecure, people respond with a mix of surprise, a smidgen of amusement and the tiniest hint of pity. By virtue of my genetics, I already seem small and demure at first glance and using insecure phrases exaggerates that impression. "Would you get me a _________" - while useful for things not listed on the menu (extra shot of espresso), too personal - awkward explanation of what exactly it is I want follows. I make a point of treating people in service jobs as people because too many people don't, but using personal phrases feels like I'm putting myself on the same level as them, which is unusual in Germany and very uncomfortable. I'm much more comfortable when there's a clear line between roles that is never ever crossed. Me = customer. Them = people providing a service. That's how I feel safe. If it sounds like I ruminate way, way too much, that's because I do. Things like that just keep replaying in my mind and that accounts for 90% of my daydreaming. Just replaying awkward situations and trying to find a solution that will guarantee a better outcome next time. 

The first time this happened to me was the first day of kindergarten. I went from never spending time with other kids to being surrounded by (and alone between) way too many crazy loud brats, in a new country, too. I was old enough to conceptualize that everyone outside of my family was speaking a different language than my family, but I didn't know much of either language. One of the caregivers asked me what my name was. That's when I froze and just looked at my mother. "Tell her your name", she repeated back to me, looking down at me with expectation. I wanted to, but I couldn't get a word out. I knew what my parents called me, I just didn't know what the equivalent would be in German. No one told me names don't change between languages. My parents never prepared me for anything, and I never got over it. To this day, this moment in time replays in my head and I freeze with anxiety every time. I also happened to learn that day, that if I freeze and sit it out, eventually they'll stop bothering me. So that's become my default response to overwhelming things. I have concluded that this is why I crash and burn instantly when I don't know how to cope. Part of me thinks that if I stall long enough, I don't have to deal with it. The world doesn't work like that anymore. It takes me quite a bit of discipline and extrinsic motivation to follow up on something after a little bit of time has passed. I feel guilty and think, it's best if I follow up when I've actually made progress. The longer the progress takes, the more guilty and ashamed I feel, and the more I avoid bringing it up again, even though I want to, fearing that people will be mad at me for being so slow or not keeping my word. I've lost friendships that way. I've let countless opportunities slip away. This needs to stop. If I ever want to accomplish anything, I'm gonna have to get over it. There isn't really a point to all my rambling, I just wanted to share what I learned and say sorry. If you can relate please comment and make me feel less shitty about myself. Thanks for reading.

//Ally