⛥August Q&A⛥ (Patreon)

I've been taking valerian root and I feel nothing. Nothing but restlessness. So since Jack is getting up in about an hour anyway, I decided to use that time to answer some of your lovely questions this month! By some I mean all of them. I'm gonna answer all your questions. Let's roll them out:

You can only listen to one Song till the end of your life! What song do you choose? What's the least annoying song that I know... After 6 seconds of considering the law of attraction spiraling every possible song vibration way out of control in my life, I'm gonna spontaneously go with Shell by Bana. I've been listening to this song for years and years, haven't gotten tired of it and the vibe of the song has a tendency to bring me back to myself. And if there's one thing I can live with for the rest of my life it's feeling myself. "You don't normally feel yourself?" Ehh, it's complicated...

What's your favourite game apart from Sims? My favorite game apart from the Sims is the Sims. Pretty much. I also occasionally play Chocolatier: Decadence by Design because fuck yeah chocolate empire. I wish I had a real chocolate empire. I haven't been having any sweets cause I insisted on being healthy after my meltdown / unintentional fast and am experiencing withdrawal.

What's your opinion on NightmareOwl's recent track "Ally"? I think it has a majestic and mystical sound. Very inspiring. The synth flute is just my jam of course. I'm not sure why it's named after me, I'm not that cool. But I'm deeply flattered.

What was your inspiration to start making videos, and was it hard to stay motivated in the very beginning when few people watched? Many years ago when I was just a little fledgling with too much time on my hands, I got ebulliently interested in video creation. First I just made things like music videos because it was so much fun to make a captivating video by synching video clips to music. Hardly anyone saw these videos. I got lost on YouTube watching video after video after video and like the naive, untainted little sprout I was, I went on a journey to try fucking everything. I could never decide what I wanted to focus on so I just did everything I saw. Sharing recipes, reviewing shit, makeup, vlogging, and eventually also ASMR. Typical case of monkey see - monkey do. A lot of time went into making those early videos, especially vlogging - holy shit wow vlogging is a full time job I'm not even kidding. Not only do you have to carry a camera around with you all day, comment on everything and look at least somewhat presentable - your days are like 6 hours shorter because you have to watch back all the footage and cut the whole thing together so it's not, well, 4 hours long. Vlogging made me pretty much detest editing. And keeping up all these different video topics meant that I was spreading myself way, way too thin so eventually I collapsed and crisis-impulsively deleted everything until I was left with the thing that was obviously my subconscious priority. Except I changed everything about that thing. Pissed a lot of people off. And there are more changes coming this fall but don't worry, I'm certain you'll really really like those. "Shiki?" yes, that too. To answer your other question: No, it's actually harder to stay motivated now. My priorities and interests have changed a little, for example I can't be arsed to film and edit vlogs anymore (but I'll do it for you the odd month), I am now saving to move to the US first before splurging on all the equipment and props (though if the red tape takes any fucking longer I may well be able to afford getting some of the stuff now lol) and filming videos is just not an all-day every-day thing for me anymore. I've been doing this for long enough to experience things that really drag down my excitement, by that I mean when you have done something for a while you start to notice the shitty things about it, all the things you can't do, all the things that don't live up to your imagination - and I feel a little limited by those limitations. Some of them are admittedly my own fault for being a stingy motherfucker and refusing to buy all kinds of props to make my videos interesting again because I want to feel like a good kitty and offer up my income to our shared moving funds like a house cat bringing home its kill to her human. But some of it is things like, why the fuck do my neighbors never go to sleep? Why the fuck can't my camera see what I see? (Obsolete complaint) Y U no focus?! ... Then there's of course moronic and unnecessary comments that bother me very much when they pop up, the fact that my videos get a fraction of the views they used to which makes me feel like I'm putting in a lot more work than I am getting appreciation back (you may exclude yourself from that statement) - I do find the odd idea I really want to pursue and you guys literally pay me to keep doing what I do so I don't want to let you down and (in a kind of obscure way) "give you your money's worth"... I'm sure I'm not the only one who is rather money driven in the sense that the more my patreon pledges grow, the happier and more thankful I get and the more videos I want to make for you in return. People look down on the whole idea of wanting money for some reason. Side note: Please don't worry about my constant jumping back and forth between super productive - crash and burn - back to energetic and productive again. I'm just rolling with the energetic punches life provides me with. It's pretty tough maintaining motivation when everywhere you turn there's pressure to be this way, be that way, make this kind of video, beg your viewers to like and subscribe so you get recommended, change your channel name, if you don't jump on the mainstream bandwagon you'll fall behind just like the new algorithm dictates it... I never used to have these problems when I started out. When I got into video creation you could actually get discovered and get famous by making good content - I grew up with Michelle Phan and bubzbeauty and other creators quickly growing to become huge internet stars just by making lovely videos. It doesn't work that way anymore. But despite all the "peer pressure" to start and/or end my videos with "like and subscribe" and being overly (unnaturally) friendly with my viewers, apologizing for everything someone happens to not like, being ultra spiritual and positive, meeting my audience's every demand and constantly being fake "grateful" for all my lovely YouTube peeps and shit, I really just want to make lovely videos. It puts me in a tough spot where I have to sacrifice potential growth to maintain my values - or sell out and hate myself. I constantly keep reminding myself to focus on what I want to do so as to not get torn apart by this clusterfuck that YouTube has become. I follow my passion to the best of my ability while also trying very hard to provide you with regular lovely and comforting videos because the fact that you're giving me money suggests that I must be one of your favorites and I like the idea of brightening your day when I put a new video out that you like. I also know that my "crowd" is not your typical YouTube fluffy bullshit audience. Due to the nature of my videos it seems logical to me that I attract those who already dwell in the low, lower, lowest realms of physical existence and those are (you guys) the people that feel attracted to my content. I often think, someone out there is having a really hard day and I want to make it less shitty. That's why I try to post a lot. You often tell me how much it helps you and I never forget that. That's one of the things that keeps me going today, even with all the drawbacks of the less ideal situations that are going on at the moment. 

What's a favorite band of yours? Well there's Type O Negative. I'm sure you've gathered that. I also really like Marilyn Manson, Nightwish (with Tarja - the other vocalists suck), Snake River Conspiracy etc. 

Aside from Supernatural, what similar shows have you watched and enjoyed, and which ones did you reject? Also, have you seen Six Feet Under? I really liked Grimm, Orphan Black and Stranger Things. The latter may not be "similar" per se but they're seriously good shows. Those 4 are easily my favorites even though I haven't watched that many shows yet. We are working on that at the moment, seeing has how streaming shows is one of the few activities you can entertain in a long distance relationship. I remember seeing bits and pieces of Six Feet Under, purely because my mother had this strange habit of always having to have the TV turned on even when she wasn't watching anything. But never on the channels I wanted to watch for some peculiar reason. And I don't really keep tabs on shows I've dropped, sorry. I know a few movies I refused to watch till the end though. 

What should I do if somebody is dissociating or overloaded? And what helps you? I'm just going to treat this as one question. Be with them. Company can be comforting. Don't touch them. Don't add to the sensory overload. Give them a soft blanket. Blankets are nice. Do not rush them. Be patient and reassuring. When dissociated/overloaded people may have a hard time speaking and take an unusually long time to answer. Tell them you're ok with what's happening and you're there for them. Offer them something to hold. Visual distortion may be happening and touching things may help ground them. Crystals are useful. Don't tell them to "breathe slowly" - it's counterproductive because it's just another demand they cannot focus on at the moment. If they are ready, offer to submerge their hands/feet in water. Water is an excellent grounding tool and very soothing. Warm/cool depends on the person so ask which sounds better. Some people may need to lie down and curl up to process what's happening to them, let them do that. People will typically assume the position that helps the most on their own. Be gentle with them even after the episode has started to fade. After an overload severe enough that it interferes with being present in reality, people are extremely sensitive to stimuli and may feel raw, be easily startled, and even when they are able to talk again are more prone to being overloaded for a good while. They need to be in a quiet spot, ideally dark though some people may be afraid of the dark so ask what they would prefer. Sensory deprivation, grounding and gentleness is what they need. The episode may last a long time but will fade naturally. Anything you might try to speed up the process will make it worse, the best you can do is make them as comfortable as possible. Hope this helps.

When are you moving? I want to send gifts. When I'm moving depends on when the embassy decides to give me my god damn visa interview. Currently, our application is waiting to be re-reviewed in the US because something was "incomplete". So it's likely sitting in a pile until someone gets around to it. No telling how long it'll take but I'm dead set on not spending another Xmas here. Gifts are always appreciated though.

What is your favorite beer? I hate beer.

Favorite color? Black.

What music genre do you like best? Metal.

What makes you really angry and sad? Germans. Comments on the internet. Abandoned pets. That all businesses here close at such inconvenient times for me. Mainstream music. That all my videos get so few views even though I work so hard on all of them. Disgustingly inconsistent clothing sizing. People discrediting and denying other people's mental illnesses. When people make snap judgements about me without caring to inquire how I meant something I said. Being left out. People abusing pets. Bullying. How people react to my clothing. Shitty parents. Bible thumping dickheads. School. That's just the top of the list for the matches to "angry and sad". I have more for just angry and just sad but that would be a book. 

Thank you for your lovely questions. This monthly post is one of my favorite things to do and I'm looking forward to your questions next month. I hope you all enjoyed this at least half as much as I did. Be safe.

//Ally