life and flea markets (Patreon)

Must... refrain... from... editing all my photos Type O Negative style... 

Right now I'm having my morning coffee with milk and honey because it's been suddenly freezing cold. I woke up with a sore throat. I swear, summers here are like this old Katy Perry song... Yep, that's Germany. 

I'm trying to listen to my new video through my headphones while there's a screaming child outside because of course there is. I changed everything about the color and edited the whole thing until noon before going to sleep. Now I have to proofread it because if I don't it ends up having one stupid error somewhere and a day of rendering goes to waste.

I scheduled the teeth surgery for the 25th because I have plans on the 22nd and I need to be fit and not in pain. There's an annual big flea market in town and I wanna try and get some goodies to use in videos. It's a three day thing but I'm only going Friday. I have to get up a little early so I'll make it there while they're still open but I'm not worried about missing anything. That's the one thing where being very different comes in handy. I'm not the typical kind of "I hope this is worth lots of money" bargain hunter, nor do most people really desire the kind of clothing I wear, nor are they typically small enough to squeeze into my sizes. I may be just average in Asia, but in Europe I'm a midget. That means there's not that much of a chance that someone else will buy out all the stuff I want. I want to take my time and find new things to use for my videos. I'm getting tired of reusing the same triggers over and over - I just need a change. But I also can't spend a fortune for obvious reasons. The other day I ordered an oracle card deck that I'm sure you will love - it has beautiful animal paintings on all of them. I wanted oracle cards because I haven't been calm and organized enough for a full blown tarot reading. Oracle cards are easier - less room for interpretation, clear, direct. I think we all will benefit from a reading or two. And I just happened to receive a beautiful gift that would go oh so well with this type of video and the aesthetics of the cards! I'm excited to show you whenever my cards happen to arrive. 

The one thing I can't stand about flea markets is delusional sellers who overprice everything. If you ask for more than 10 bucks for a single item you are out of your mind. Haggling is fine and most people honestly expect that you do so they double the asking price - but non-negotiable sky high prices mean you just don't sell anything. At all. At least not to me. Sorry, that old leather jacket just isn't worth 25. If I can get a pair of leather boots for 5 at the other stand, a huge price difference like that just stands out. Another thing I can't cope with is - you've guessed it - smokers. Since this is an open air event you can bet your sweet ass there are people casually smoking in crowds fucking everywhere. Having to hold my breath constantly makes it quite difficult to focus on shopping. I have had coughing fits because of that and I have had to take extended breaks off premises because of that. I can't tell you how frustrating that is when you have just rows and rows of stands to browse through but you have to step aside and literally just try to breathe for an hour. And no, water doesn't help. For some reason everyone who's been with me when we ran into smokers wanted me to drink water as if that would rinse the toxic smoke out of my lungs. It hurts as much as inhaling fumes from burnt plastic guys it's not good. 

Other than that (health hazard) I'm looking forward to going. I have loved flea markets ever since my mother took me as a child. We couldn't afford much and my parents weren't willing to buy, well, quality stuff for me especially when I was just gonna outgrow it... Only really made sense until I was 12 though... But at flea markets there was a higher chance that I could get something I wanted. Once I found a €50 note on the ground. I was excited and showed my mom. That's when I learned you should never tell anyone you have money. She talked me into giving it to grandma saying she needed it more - but I believe deep in my heart she just didn't want me to have money. That's too dangerously close to independence. Narcissists don't like other people being free and independent. 

I'm especially looking forward to going with Jack. He's just the best partner ever and wants to get up early so we can chat while I'm out. He knows I'm anxious and overwhelmed by myself - I mean, I got my data plan purely to be able to talk to him 24/7. It makes me feel secure. Lately I've been noticing the effects of the bullying I went through. I never realized it but everytime I'm around people I get triggered and especially when I walk past seemingly outgoing, drunk or loud people, I panic and I just expect to be bullied like I was all life. In my mind it always plays out so vividly... They are gonna come up, try to pick on me, maybe damage my camera or something if I'm taking photos, make fun of me and just pester me until I call the police because I'm alone, small and vulnerable and oh so easy to take advantage of. That's how I think others see me. It helps just staring at my phone constantly and I wish I could have it glued to my hand for the entire time I'm outside. Everytime I panic I just tell him I have to walk past stupid people again and I hope that makes me look busy enough that those people are likely to leave me alone. This is how I survive outside. 

And I'm really looking forward to going with him instead of my ex. Poor little old lady forewent breakfast, then got hungry, then got tired of walking after barely 3 hours and left me to browse alone for another hour while socializing with other people like the hoe that she is. Big flea markets like that usually have food trucks, stands and plenty of refreshments so a little pit stop isn't a problem. Heck, I love junk food so much, depending on what they offer, I'm tempted to get some every time! The deep fried smell of meat and fat and BBQ is one of the best things ever, fight me about it. The problem I have is when people can't keep up with my level of fitness. And I'm by no means the fittest person in the world. I always had solid D's in PE. Can't run very fast, can't jump very high, can't jog very long - but I can walk for hours and hours without a problem, assuming I have water. We walked a lot during vacation and Jack has not complained once nor asked to take a break after an hour. He's also much more fun company b/c less cranky from doing the slightest bit of exercise... Ok he's always just more fun company. Sassy, witty, smart and hilarious. I hope I can find some nice things and send him pictures of my loot! Remember like years ago I did that video showing off my flea market haul? It was on my ASMR channel. It didn't make it through rebranding because people didn't flip shit over seeing it go and it didn't represent what I was doing on my channel very well. Depending on what I find, I would consider making a video like that again  - this time in a friend roleplay format. 

I have to go, kill a stupid annoying fly and listen to the rest of my video. Thanks for reading. Cheers

//Ally