social media thoughts (Patreon)

I was introduced to social media by a friend in school, one of the few people who didn't think I was an attention-seeking nut job, back in 2005 when it was still sorta in its one inch fetus stages. She showed me a site where people could make profiles and sing into their home phones, yes it was that long ago, and they could show off 45 seconds of their singing online, have others rate and comment on it etc... It was fun and I met some great people including my first love there. There were hardly any haters, even in the forums, except for this one girl who had more personal problems than a real problem with me, whose first response to my thread about paranormal experiences was that I "smoke too much weed" (never smoked and not interested, turns out it's a really bad idea if you have certain psychological disorders) ... It oddly reminds me a lot of the flaky hoe from last year, and somebody that knew her even defended me, ratting her out about identifying as a witch and a vampire previously for short periods of time and no substantial reason, upon which she promptly played the victim card saying I can't bitch back at her cause her grandpa died... Sometimes I'm just happy that I don't respond to guilt trips at all. People are crazy, man... 

Needless to say, the game has changed tremendously since it began. 

As a social outcast, I was happy about internet forums. I don't know what I did to be treated the way I was, cause I honestly just never did anything to anyone. But still people just decided they didn't like me and wanted nothing to do with me, ever. And as home was the same type of basket case, the internet was the only place I could go where I could be myself and say what I think and make people see me the way I wanted them to see me. It felt safer that way because there are certain restraints like physical distance for how likely people were to go and hurt me. It was fun when I was a nobody. 

The more time I've spent on the internet and the more years that passed, it's just become apparent that social media now is everything I hate about people in real life - under a magnifying glass. People still try to make small talk with you - but instead of maybe 5 people randomly wanting your attention on a busy day, now it's thousands. People can still attack you - and it's even worse than real life sometimes because they can get away with doing things online that would not be socially acceptable out there. No one would go up to you on the street and tell you to go kill yourself - but online, oh, that's a free for all. People's shadows really take over when it becomes unlikely that there will be consequences for their actions. And with the depths of the internet being widely unmonitored, what do you think is going to happen? The growth of the digital playground it once was has brought possibilities but also dangers like there never were before. You have the option to have a career online - but people have the option to ruin your career with as much as one malicious article written about you. It's "I'm telling your mom you said that!" all over again, just with higher stakes. Stakes like your future. You used to be able to share your thoughts and no one cared. Now you say something that some douchebag on the opposite end of the world doesn't like - and good luck ever finding a job in your field again. 

Maybe I'm just down because I lost the only safe space I had all life. The thing that got me through the hardest parts of it. The part where you're not a kid anymore, can no longer get away with doing anything fun and everyone wants you to be someone you're not like, yesterday. It's alright to mourn the loss of something precious. It's not safe out here anymore. If you don't have people going after you personally, then there are groups of people whose sole agenda it is to hate on groups of people they put you in based on your beliefs, your looks, the year you were born, even the god damn websites you visit. You're always a target. If you have any social media presence at all, that makes you a projector screen for everyone's stupid issues and it's no fun. If I wanted to be judged and humiliated for being myself, I would go to school. Those super famous people make it seem so easy but I can only imagine how much they suffer. You need nerves of steel to handle as little exposure as I'm getting. Maybe I just thought no one would care and I would never get to that point but here we are now and since I'm trying to make a living, I'm gonna be doing this for a while. I just hate when the rules keep changing. 

Like YouTube making it so that channels with ASMR in the god damn name show up first in the search just after I've settled on a really awesome channel name. I love it and it would hurt my heart to change it, but the way it is now, lots of less good channels are getting lots more views and subs, because they play by the god damn new rules. Then there's the fact that the ASMR community has experienced an enormous BOOM since I started out - and most new channels make the same kind of tapping triggers ear licking crap that's so unreasonably popular, which translates to, people who are just now finding ASMR think that's all it's about and anything that deviates from that slightly isn't ASMR. That's another, extremely obnoxious way in which the rules have changed. The pressure is higher than ever to put out fucking amazing content all the time, with all that competition out there. Girls who are so drop dead gorgeous they should be professional models, who are gentle and sweet and just more likeable than me in every way. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that I'm an acquired taste. Don't like me? Acquire some taste. Haaaa I've waited years for a chance to use this line, I can't believe it finally happened! 

I'm just rambling and I'm adapting. It makes me a little insecure that I'm not growing as fast as other, more mainstream channels and I'm afraid of falling behind and, well, essentially not being good enough. That's something I've always struggled with. Most of my self-esteem comes from people telling me they love my videos on a daily basis. That's the one thing my stubborn, abused brain can accept as something good about me. But that just makes it so that when people say someone else in the field is better than me, I have nothing. Fortunately, yes I can give you a piece of good news, with Jupiter in retrograde in Scorpio at the moment I've started to put more of myself into my life again. Just minute increments but hey, it's something. It'll show in my videos again soon and -ouch- I have no control beyond that. 

Hope you're having a lovely day. 

//Ally