is it spring yet? (Patreon)

As winter is refusing to leave like a freeloading druggie "friend", I'm struggling with my depression and tiredness (or an early case of spring fever?) ... Whatever the case, I've been lacking motivation to do tedious things like, get out of bed, make food or shower. I've been sleeping whenever I managed so I wouldn't be a miserable little bean all the time while trying to recover from a cold. I'm through the worst now or at least I think I am, as I haven't had a cough in two days and even survived a rather painful crampy period start. Just two hours ago I laid down to sleep, without the added pressure of trying to stay awake all night, and was quickly dragged back to the harsh reality I'm currently living in - first by an obnoxious toddler kicking a wall right above my head, then by recess at the school across from my apartment building, then by gardeners that I can't imagine have enough gardening jobs in the dead of winter to warrant the noise they're making but what do I know, and then the other school appears to have an outdoors period because I can hear kids screaming from the nearby playground. Alas, I've put on some incense - cedar wood and a blend called "heart-balm", which is by far my most used one... shocker. And I decided to take some of my valerian root and hope for the best. I'm writing this as I'm waiting for it to start working. I made a very smart choice and bought lots of delicious, not too sweet iced tea by a brand I really like called "Ti" (fancy spelling, that makes it extra special lol) so those of you who happen to live in Germany might want to give that a try. My favorite flavors so far are green tea + mango and rooibos + peach. It really helps get over the taste of valerian root lol. Additionally, I'm planning to introduce another herbal remedy soon. It's oat juice. Dun dun DUUUUN. I found it right next to the valerian root and it said it was for "nervous exhaustion" so I bought a bottle and called it self-care. I'm not so sure about the HSP (highly sensitive person) thing as I kinda get the impression that's what a lot of people say to make themselves seem more special or something but I sure am sensitive and my nerves are on fire most of the time. I'll report my findings once I've taken it for a substantial amount of time. It'd probably be easier to just eat oats or something if I didn't absolutely detest the taste of it. I'd rather have it in something I can swallow quickly, 3-4 times daily, before a meal, diluted or with enough fluids... Which means I'm gonna have to make meals again which is an honorable goal if you ask me. 

*child screams* Back to reality... 

Sometimes I get these vague memories, not necessarily of past events, but more often just of things that have been with me a long time that I can't explain or even conceptualize but it makes me nostalgic. It's all very fragmented and I'm doing everything I can to put them together. One such thing occurred to me just now while trying to fall asleep. This memory has been a specific kind of feeling that I just kind of suppressed and forgot about because it was a longing, a desire and even a need I have that's been impossible to fulfill in real life. It would come up occasionally in association with springtime and it communicates with me through everything I associated with freedom in adolescence. The image that put itself together in front of my inner eye was of myself, being outside or indoors somewhere nice, somewhere safe, with friends, being accepted, being thin and feeling ok about myself. You know, all the things I never had. If for nothing else, then a shortage of likeminded people rendered this dream of mine impossible. And the people I did like growing up judged me harshly and made it very clear they wanted nothing to do with me. I found out that part if not most of my desire to be super skinny was to be attractive and appear worthy of friendship and attention. I didn't even notice, but I kind of dress like the people I admired when I was young. The same people that made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I'm still insecure around them. But who isn't insecure around people they admire, right? Whenever I see goths on the street I'm like "hey, it's my people!" ... Then I remember they have no idea who I am and then I remember the rejection I had to go through and never got over. I'm just kinda desperate to belong ... And I just never had the chance. Inside, I could never let it go. The need to be wanted. I want people who want to be around me, who value me as a person, who care what I have to say... I think most of us who end up here watching my roleplays have that need. I want to try to hold on to that feeling and make it into a video, if nothing else, then just to show someone exactly what I need. But wait, that includes something else. Yep, feeling ok about myself. I'm not entirely sure I can own a feeling like that quite yet, but I'm trying. And if it takes several attempts, that's better than nothing. 

This is the direction I want to go in for now. Give you more than just something to sleep to. Of course there's still my innate competitiveness propelling me forward with video quality and whatnot... I just hope I can bring them together somehow. 

//Ally