community. media. relationships. (Patreon)

I had to do my hair up for this, it's gonna get real. 

First of all, I'd like you to know that the things I'm going to complain about do not apply to you. The fact that you are here and taking me as I am is the exact opposite of my issue with all this. Thank you for accepting my heart and sticking with me through all the changes. 

I couldn't help but notice that the people who have the most success and support doing work like mine, videos and social media etc., have one particular thing in common. They all interact a shit ton with their fans and give them a shit ton of love and attention. Problem #1: I don't want to. I have social anxiety, I don't want to talk to people most days. Please do remind me, those of you that have been with me for more than a year, if I used to be different in that regard - becacuse I don't remember being any other way. ... Problem #2: I still want the support. I want people to like me and support what I do. I have but one objective: To contribute to our income and not be a burden to Jack. I'd like the distribution to be more equal so I've been working hard to make more awesome videos (and also catch up with all the commitments I've made last year.) ... Don't wanna go into detail about my health and why I can't hold down a "real" job but this is about as much as I can do without running myself into the ground. 

Here's where I'm conflicted: I feel like in order to get more support I have to do what they do (except just be drop dead gorgeous because I only have this face) but I'm not willing to do that. When I watch people's videos, I don't feel like I have a personal connection with them and it puzzles me how apparently so many other people can feel this way. In fact, it makes me a little sick to constantly hear "I love you guys so much and you mean the world to me" because in my head I'm like "you can't love me cause you can't know me, you probably don't know I exist and I don't know why you're saying that because you're clearly not talking to me" ... Am I the only person in the world feeling this distant or being stuck in an obvious reality? Because this is also how I feel about my relationship with my viewers. First of all, we barely have a relationship. Most times I feel like I'm neglecting even you guys due to my extraordinarily low capacity for social interaction... Second of all, I don't want to give the impression of something that's not real. I don't want to tell people that they mean the world to me when I have no idea who they are. At this point, people expect that, it's become the status quo because of so many creators modeling this behavior like the costume that I believe it is. Yeah, I appreciate you giving me money so I can work towards concrete goals like moving and new equipment. And I appreciate your sweet comments and the feeling that you have my back. It's nice to know there are people out there who like me. Who don't know me but have just decided that they like me anyway. Is this what friendship is? I don't know, my parents never socialized me and I've lived a very isolated life so my definitions and expectaions may be warped to one degree or another. But to me, love is a huge and strong word. I don't love every single person who watches my videos and I wouldn't even know how to accomplish that because I can't even see them. I put my art out there and it's nice when people react well - and less nice when they insult me. I can see why so many people crave a feeling of belonging, understanding, love and affection. And thanks to many others before me, that's what they've come to expect from people they watch online. But how do I supply that without lying? 

Problem #3: I don't want to open myself up. There might be people out there who genuinely have a relationship with their fans - who are affected by everything they say and stuff. I wouldn't know that, but it might be real to some. Honest to fucking god, I'm vulnerable enough. I don't want to get to the point where everything everyone says affects me, which is what would happen if I opened myself up to a relationship with my fans. I have a hard time shielding myself as it is. There's a reason why my biggest unmet need (that I'm aware of) is for protection. I feel like if I were to give people what they want, which is a genuine feeling that I love them, it would destroy me. Because it always goes both ways. I don't want to end up like some of the artists I follow, who seem emotionally at the mercy of their viewers - that's just wrong. I feel bad for them because I know how it feels to be emotionally dependent on someone who at the end of the day doesn't care about you personally that much, but more about what you do for them. That's called exploitation in my book. I don't want to be affected by my fans to the point where I stop taking care of myself and push myself to the point of complete exhaustion just to cater to their demands or because they guilt tripped me into creating more content or different content or - you know what I mean. 

Yet those are the artists that get the most attention and support... Why? Because the industry is cruel? Because society is cruel? Because people are too quick to let themselves be abused? Please tell me I'm wrong and that my perception is inaccurate (without lying.) Please share different viewpoints if you have any.

In all I've done up to now, I've basically made sure that I'm the one in control of my content and that my viewers have no control over what I do. This is how I've avoided this dilemma but it brought on another one. Everywhere I go I just hear "be nice to your fans, you gotta be nice to your fans" but I feel like "be nice" is just a cover phrase for so many hidden expectations like "give me love", "do what I want you to do" and "be more like who I want you to be" - or I'll unsubscribe. It just reminds me a lot of the narcissistic abuse from my mother. "Be nice" (=do everything I want from you) or I'll stop supporting you. I won't buy you anything you want and won't help you when you need me because you're selfish and you won't do this for me. This is about what it feels like, like people who don't even know me are trying to control and manipulate me by offering support and then taking it away when I'm not intersted in catering to their wishes. This is what I'm avoiding. This is it. 

Thank you for listening.

//Ally