a mild inconvenience (Patreon)

What a start to the year. 2018 has only just started and I already had to divorce my bed (we had an abusive relationship - I'm still hurting every day) and now I also had to break up with my online grocery store. Why, you ask? Well, I went to order groceries as per usual and saw that they made some changes that made shopping there just no longer worth it. First of all, they upped the free shipping threshold from €40 to €80 - like wtf mate, I just want some organic veggies and some ham for my toast, I don't need a month's worth of staples to get your free shipping mate... But then they also now charge money for the evening delivery service, which I used to be very fond of. Instead of paying €5 for a giant DHL package just to be woken up in the middle of my sleep time, they brought my groceries to my door at night - FOR FREE. Now it's €5+€5=€10. You can't just start charging money for something that used to be FREE and expect me to be happy about it mate. I could live with it if it was €5 total for everything right, but that's quite a big jump from just a few organic veggies isn't it? And on top of that they want an extra €5 if anything at all needs to be cooled, like my ham for my morning toast, right... which used to NOT APPLY to evening delivery because they just grab the bags out of the warehouse and put them in the truck and ship them to my house, they don't need the giant frozen gel packs to keep that shit fresh... But now it fucking does! So yeah, I was pretty upset when I ordered €45 worth of groceries and my total came up to €60. That's like a third of my food ffs just extra on top of my bill! I can't imagine they're gonna do much business with those costs. Most people who shop for groceries online aren't families with fucking 5 kids who spend €80 every single week on food. It's only a matter of time before they go "Oh shit, we made a huge mistake." That would be like me, having made free videos for years, just suddenly deciding, alright - I'm gonna charge every person €10 if they want to watch my video. Tell me I'm not mistaken when I think that people would be very pissed off. And many people would probably decide it's not worth it. Exactly that. 

So this is why I had to start getting all my groceries on Monday appointments again. Which means I've had to start planning my meals again. Which I'm not very good at. Like I didn't know while I was out shopping that I would have a mental breakdown two days later and the only thing that could soothe me was a big bowl of creamy pasta - so I didn't buy pasta and ended up with no creamy pasta to soothe my woes. Speaking of bad planning, I emailed the company that was supposed to send me my stuff and told them if my stuff isn't in store until next Tuesday they can go ahead and cancel my order and I'll buy it elsewhere. The only reason why I bought it online was to avoid talking to people, but at this point talking to people seems like less trouble than waiting indefinitely for stuff for my costume. 

I feel quite stuck lately - stuck in a life that no longer represents me. It's like I've moved on but around me nothing has changed. Deep inside I'm actually a passionate person but lately it's all just been very meh for me. Getting out of bed is meh. Working on things is meh. No kitty cuddles is meh. I'd give anything to feel passion again. I'm kinda just used to avoiding things that spark passion in me, to the point where I have no idea where my passion is at anymore it's been so long... Growing up, I was heavily discouraged from anything that made me happy and I was told I would never succeed, I wasn't good enough and I'd be better off doing something very meh cause that was the only way I'd make any money. Now I even have secret desires that I think will never happen because of my inferiority complex. I want to sing vocals for Sidewalks and Skeletons. But I don't think my voice fits this type of music and I'd be rejected anyway cause I'm not good enough. Still it would be sooooo fulfilling to be part of something I actually love. I feel like I'm not good enough for what I really want to do. There's this subconscious notion that anything I could ever make will never be as good as what someone else could make, no matter how great it is. Even food. If I made it, in my head I just instantly don't want it and it's instantly not as good as what someone else would make. 

The only area of my life where I actually feel safe going in the direction of my passion is photography. This photo you were looking at before you had to scroll down to read this is the style I'm going for. I can't even describe it, I can only really show it when I succeed at creating something I like. 

My goal is for my life to not be meh anymore. 

I'll keep you posted.

//Ally