CHP 31: Detective Work (Patreon)

I understand and accept the existence of individuals so mentally advanced that they would charge at a raging bull thinking that they would somehow come out on top... I just didn't consider the possibility that I would come across one of them.

Humans are intellectual and advanced, among the most intelligent species on the planet if not in the universe... And the one thing that makes them stand out, is common fucking sense.

Stay with me now, and consider this situation.

A house populated by only children in the richest district in the city, an easy mark for any robber, yes... but, now consider the fact that this house recently had a massive explosion go off in the middle of the night, is frequently visited by high-ranking captains and even the head of the Yakuza family that dominates the local underworld.

Add onto this the occasional visits from my ex-IRA minion and the fact that there are odd panels in the walls straight out of a sci-fi movie.

Common sense and intuition would have you avoid this house like a plague, right? Right?

"Ah yes, trying to rob a house frequented by the Japanese version of the Mafia... A true mark of the intellect that makes humanity stand out amongst countless species." I put my hands together and spoke with a deadpan, "Might I inquire as to who the genius that came up with this plan is? I want an autograph for when you eventually solve the problems that plague our world."

Apparently, these two idiots in tracksuits and ski masks didn't stop to consider that something was odd about a house with only kids in it.

I was heading for home after a day of work in my lab but spotted these two 'robbers' as soon as I stepped out of the shed.

Ignoring me, one of the two shoved the other and pointed his crowbar at me, "Grab him before he shouts!"

I held up my hand as soon as the guy moved, "Pause for a bit, I'm not screaming... Actually, I'm tired from work so I'll give you a chance. Fuck off back to whichever preschool you came from and we can all go on with our lives."

"Shall I notify the local authorities, father?" Cortana buzzed from my pocket.

I pondered over the suggestion for a bit, ignoring the befuddled forms of the 'robbers', "Send a message to Raiga, I'm not in the mood to explain to the cops."

Cops are overrated, I'll go with a mob boss so the chances of somebody else trying this are even lower.

"O-Oi, his phone's talking."

"Yes... and what does that tell you?" I put my hands behind my back like a pro mad genius.

"That you're a kid with a toy?"

That's... actually reasonable... but not right for someone who thought trying to rob ME was a good idea.

Silence descended on the empty yard as the robbers stared at me in silence... and I stared right back at them.

They think they can beat me in a staring competition? 

Bet.

That said, I can feel my phone vibrating for some reason.

Not two seconds later, the 'silence' was kicked in the nuts by dozens of double machine gun turrets popping out of the walls and the ground, aimed right at tweedle dumb and dumber who jerked and dropped their weapons from shock.

"Father, permission to contribute to society by ridding it of these wastes of space?"

Oh... oh... she's angry.

Hm, that means she's growing.

I feel like a proud father at this moment... though, I guess she's still a kid.

"Not worth the trouble."

The turrets went back into their slots near instantaneously, "Impeccable wisdom, father. Using ammunition on them would be a waste of resources."

Dear Cortana, I know you're just being your usual hype man self but your compliments are starting to feel like sarcasm.

"So anyway, gentlemen, do you want to fuck off yet or do you still think there's some way you come out on top here?" I turned to the two idiots, yes idiots, because calling them robbers is an insult to actual robbers.

"H-Haha, they're just t-toys."

"Bro... they popped out of the ground. What the hell kind of kid has those toys?" I asked out of genuine curiosity... what kind of thought process do these people have?

"Also, your legs are shaking."

"They were also shaking when his deadbeat mom's latest boyfriend bent him ov-"

"Caren, Caren, calm down. Keep it PG." I cut off the venomous loli that just came out of the house, typing away on her phone, "Don't ruin my fun."

The white haired demon child hummed before shrugging, "...Fine. But I want to go shopping."

"Ask Sakura. I'm sure she'll be happy."

"No." Caren shook her head slightly, "I want to go with you."

"...Sure?" 

Kids are weird sometimes, what's it matter who she goes with?

"Um... can you please stop acting like we're not here?" One of the robbers perked up meekly, holding up a shaking hand.

...I don't think calling attention to himself was the best idea but with their track record, I'm surprised he hasn't managed to somehow accidentally clock himself yet.

"Man..." I ruffled my seaweed-like hair, letting out a small groan, "Just get out of here. I have to find out who's creating zombies in my backyard."

Caren snickered at my words and put her hands together in prayer, "Dear Lord, please absolve this child of his mental illness and delusion. He might not be bright but he has a good heart."

That's directed at me and I don't appreciate it.

Caren noticed my stare and covered her body with her hands, squirming slightly, "Kya~. Are you going to punish me for my earnest prayers because they hurt your fragile ego by ravagi-"

I grabbed her by the back of her neck, tossed her inside the house before slamming the door shut behind her.

"Come back when you're not a kid."

Dusting my hands, I turned back to the two idiots, "So, are you leaving?"

"Y-Yeah?"

"Great choice, smarter than I was expecting." I shoo'd them off with my hands and went inside, "Cortana send out a surveillance drone, my gut tells me there's something bigger than a rando magi or priest in town."

"Understood."

-

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm in one of those bigger evil in the shadows type arcs.

What makes me think that, you ask?

Well, the fact that I found dead magi and priests in the forest with my drone.

Now, a pleb might just assume that they just killed each other and spout something like how it's a waste of life after killing a hundred or so grunts like the atypical hero does but not me, detective Shinji is too smart to not notice that something is odd.

The trees around them have deep gashes in them, the grass is burnt in some places, bloody in others... but that's normal for a fight involving magecraft and swords. What's weird is that the bodies of both groups have wounds from the exact same type of weapon.

They've been torn apart, like they got attacked by a wild animal or something.

A few of the corpses are missing too judging by the presence of extra limbs scattered around the place.

I looked over at the Beast in the kitchen, turning my laptop her way, "Hey Tiamat, did you have something to do with this?" 

"Mm, no~... I would never leave... Shinjii."

That's not unhealthy at all.

I could try to fix her but whatever's wrong with her is hot as fuck.

Anyway, enough about how I'm totally not turned on by what she just said.

"Hey Shirou." I called out to the housewife dusting the cabinets, "Interested in taking down a possible cannibal?"

"...Sure?"

Come on, man, show a little more excitement.

I'm giving you a chance to stroke that selfless hero thing you have going on.

"He or she might hurt innocent people because we got rid of Zouken?"

"Let's go." He let go of his dusting cloth and turned to me with the most serious face ever.

"Right, grab a sword or something. We're going hunting."

Two 12 year olds alone venturing into a forest, what could go wrong?

-

Hope you enjoyed.

More coming today.

P.S: The curse of Bleap isn't back. It's just that time of the year again. There's riots all over the country, like last year, and all major roads etc have been shut down. Police have shot and killed dozens of people, arrested more but the riots aren't slowing down anytime soon so there's blackouts and the internet gets shut down out of nowhere.

But, I've moved into a place that's removed from the conflict and gets fairly stable electricity (generators) and internet so I'm hoping there won't be any more problems.