CHP 28: New Minion (Patreon)

"Watch carefully now, Caren, I expect you to help me out with this one day." I glanced at the small white haired demon following me with a small smile, "Maybe you won't even need weapons."

Who am I kidding?

She definitely won't.

If she can depress Gilgamesh with her insults at this age, I'm pretty sure she'll be making people kill themselves a few years later... I'm so proud I could cry.

"Definitely not, I'm not a walking mass of insecurities that copes by appearing stand-offish and having 'big' weapons." Caren quipped monotonously, observing the passers-by with curious golden eyes, "Is it smart to engage during the day? The Church members that used my... that place-... as a camp, set out at night."

...Somebody needs to teach this kid to hold back.

For your information, there are no insecurities or big guns, she's just being a bitch cause I ruined her sleep and dragged her along in the morning... I say morning but it was actually time for lunch, she sleeps like a cat sometimes.

"It's smart cause they're so used to going at it in shady alleys and night time that they usually get caught off-guard during the day." I shared a piece of my boundless wisdom, putting a hand on the beret she's wearing.

"You'll ruin my gift." She complained harmlessly.

Dear Caren, I'm the one who fucking gave it to you.

All around us, people scurried about.

Students that were likely flunking classes messed about with each other while adults hurried to their respective workplaces after breaks or something... There were also the moms going grocery shopping that I definitely did not leer at.

I'm an innocent kid, I can't possibly be a degenerate, it'd be unscientific.

"...Do you see anybody odd?" I asked curiously, looking around for my target.

Caren paused for a bit before pointing at a man snoring away outside a cafe with a book over his face, a half-empty bottle of alcohol alongside a vanilla cake lying on the table in front of him.

"Caren, we're not here to look for drunkards with shit taste... weird as they might be." I shook my head slowly.

Why do people feel the need to get drunk?

Yes, I'll judge them.

I can't relate, and I don't care.

Caren shook her head in denial, "Not that, his body and height is odd... That man isn't Japanese and while you may have trouble accepting this, your hometown isn't exactly a hotspot for tourists."

...I just wanted to give her a chance to seem competent... and wait a second, judging by the small grin on her face, she knew it and decided to insult me anyway.

So, like a reasonable shota, I flicked her head.

"Ow... did I hurt the big strong man's ego? Don't worry, I'll forgive you... I knew from the start you weren't particularly bright."

Am too, I made a nuke.

I'm bright as hell.

Shinjiberg the brightest there is.

Ignoring the little shit, I sauntered over to the sleeping man and kicked him in the leg... I definitely wasn't venting.

"Oi! What? What in the bloody hell?"

That's not a British accent.

He jolted up, startled, and removed the book from his head to reveal bright red hair accented with streaks of grey and pale blue eyes that just didn't look right with fair skin. 

Oh, there's a small scar on his lip.

"Fuck you want kid?" He sat up, grabbing his bottle and taking a swig, "I'm busy."

"Busy raping your liver?" I asked, mirrored by Caren who tilted her head first.

"Busy putting on display just how incompetent everyone thinks you are in a new country?"

Damn... she's good at this... I wonder if she'll teach me.

"No, busy trying to make myself forget that people like you exist in this world."

My eyes widened slightly as a small smile formed on my lips.

 I like this guy.

"I'm actually waiting for some stupid cunt." He leaned down and patted the briefcase by his legs, "What can I do for..." He studied us with narrowed eyes, seemingly noticing the fact that we're kids only now, "You lovely brats?"

A shame, I wanted to be friends with this dude.

But... this is Shinjiberg territory.

"For starters..." I reached into my pocket and pulled out a glock, "You can have an unfortunate accident. This city is under Matou jurisdiction until the Tohsaka heir comes back."

He looked at me, then at the gun before quickly swiping at it.

Credit where credit's due, he moved quick.

Only, the glock was just nanites that went liquid as soon as his hand made contact with them and latched onto his skin.

"Wait, wait..." He caught onto his situation and pulled his hand back, slowly raising it as a show of surrender, "I'm just a little broker. You don't want to kill me, Mister Matou."

"Broker?" I inquired curiously, tilting my head.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm just here to make a quick buck until the Clock Tower sends up a new dickwad to bring the bloody city under control." He explained hurriedly... Sensing my confusion, he continued, "What? You think this is the first time some cunt Lord got murked for being in over his head and left a ripe city to some kids? ...It's just good business for folks like me, nothing personal against you, I swear."

Hmm... that checks out.

Magi nobility have their own territories, and anybody wanting to operate in them needs to make concessions and have express permission from the concerned overseer... It'd make sense for there to be people that tried to take advantage if one of them died... and then people that'd try to take advantage of said people by acting as merchants during the ensuing chaos.

"How long does it take usually?"

"Well... not that long I'd say."

I finally figured it out, he's Scottish.

"But this here's a special case... cause the Lords that were supposed to be naive little shi-... well, you." He gestured with his hand, "Are fuc-... crazy monsters."

What gave him that idea? I'm as innocent as can be... I was even kind enough to not have the nanites enter his body and melt it inside out.

"What was your master plan?" Caren asked before I did, "Don't you think the Mage's Association would track you down?"

The man hesitated, his hands still up, "Nah... I didn't plan on doing nothin’ special. Just a few purchases and sales here and there before the bloody Enforcers come stompin' in and rip all the idiots a new one... That's what ordinary folks like me do."

Ordinary?

"You disarmed me, well, technically." I took a seat across from him, taking his cake, "So... cut the bullshit."

"Alright, lad, alright." He moved his hands a bit, "But before I talk, can I at least lower my hands?"

I shrugged, didn't really matter.

I had him already... He'd be dead as soon as he moved.

"Caren, you wanna eat this?" I pointed my thumb at the cake.

"No, it was sitting near a useless drunk."

The Scotsman winced, "But it's min-... you can have it."

"Thanks." I took a spoonful and it was delicious, cause stuff taken from others is always the best.

"I used to be IRA... left when they became a bunch of wankers wagging their tails at-... Well, I figured I could do more if I struck out by meself." He offered with a sigh, taking a swig from his bottle, "Besides, it got tirin'... fightin' for a cause that was bloody dead and buried."

...Huh, that's an odd backstory... He isn't even Irish... Well, I could always be wrong but all these dudes seem the same to me anyway.

I took another spoonful of HIS cake, "And now you sell stuff for money?"

"Hey." He shrugged his hand, "Life ain't that long. I thought I'd enjoy meself rather than die in some ditch nobody gives a rat's ass about. Of course you lot don't seem to like my profession all that much."

Curious indeed, and I'm a man motivated by curiosity and desire, "How about working for me then?"

"I'm not workin' for some bloody ki-"

I cut him off, "A million a year, plus immunity from the Clock Tower and official affiliation with the Matou family."

"When do I start, boss?"

Haha, no hesitation.

Caren put a hand on my shoulder, "I'm sorry but I have to speak out, that's a lot of money... Is it smart to put all of that into a drunkard?" 

She glared at the man who winced before chuckling at her.

Dear Caren, money is inconsequential now that I've unleashed Cortana on to this world... and, I took you in for the same reason.

"It's fine. I trust my gut." I dismissed her with a wave of my hand before staring at my newest hire, "Can you do magecraft?"

"...Only the basics, am afraid. The last bloke I offed seemed shocked by the... quality or something? I guess that's worth somethin' least?"

Oooh, an ex-soldier from the IRA with possibly high-quality magic circuits working as a broker, if that doesn't sound like somebody who you need to get as an underling if you’re a mad scientist, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you.

...I wonder, do all the magi that've arrived in Fuyuki have these kinds of interesting backstories?

"Sure it is." I smiled innocently, and held out a hand, "Welcome to the Matou. You're one lucky guy."

Mostly cause I'm spiteful and bored enough to risk messing with the Clock Tower... Although my initial intentions were to stab you through the throat.

"We'll see about that." He pursed his lips and took my hand with a weirded out expression, "Sean O'Brien, I hope I ain't messing up here."

Well, of course he isn't.

I'm the most benevolent and considerate person alive.

I would never put anybody in danger.

"Now, can you track down all the magi that came to my city?" I put my chin in my hand.

Sean grinned, "'Course I can, in fact, I can do ya one better... I already got a list... What about the Church lot though?"

Church what now?

"The Holy Church is here?"

"Well, yeah, free land in a different bloody continent. You're gonna be seein' a lot of those dickheads spreading the word of God'n all that from now on... I thought you'd know with the massive hate boners poppin' out the Church and the Mage's Association." Sean tilted his head slightly, "I reckon those cunts are gonna be a bigger problem."

-

Kirei Kotomine was a devout man of God, well, that's what he was supposed to be at least so, in proper fashion, he was busy cleaning the house of his Lord and checking for any signs of damage when the heavy door to the Church was kicked open by the eccentric new head of the Matou family.

Well, an improvement over the last decrepit, bug infested fossil, at the very least.

He was a child, but he was responsible for older Matou's timely passing so Kirei didn't think to underestimate him in the slightest.

He knew how Kirei had been funnelling Tohsaka money into the Church and his estranged daughter, and the kids in his basement somehow... That was odd, seeing as they were his most well-guarded secrets.

...But, there was nothing much to really do, at least until the next Holy Grail War so Kirei was content being antagonised with words and letting time pass.

Besides, with the death of Zouken Matou, the young head would have too many problems on his plate to mess with his plans.

Kirei maintained a neutral smile, his hands behind his back as he welcomed Shinji into his house, "Come to confess, young man?"

"Nah."

Hm, there was a European beside him.

Dressed in an odd combination of a beige trench coat coupled with a white dress shirt and dark pants... He looked tired and had faint dark circles under his eyes... and a bottle of whiskey in his hand.

A new ally perhaps?

Or someone from the Clock Tower that returned with him?

"How can I help you then?" Kirei offered, putting a hand over his chest, "You need only ask."

"So you're just not gonna talk about what your Church is doing? The Executors?"

Kirei didn't let the surprisingly short amount of time it took him to notice let his expression falter, "I assure you, it was done without my knowledge."

"So if I get rid of them, you don't care?"

"Not particularly, no."

They'd ruin Kirei's own plans if they stayed too long.

Initially, he'd just planned on letting the magi and the Executors clash and fizzle out before the Church and Clock Tower eventually ended up actively participating in a new conflict to see how that would go... but honestly, that plan had too many variables in it.

"It is as much as your right and responsibility to protect Fuyuki as it is the Tohsaka's, you will receive no complaint from me should you choose to enforce that right." Kirei offered neutrally, curious as to how the conflict would shape up, "I would even say it would improve relations between you and the Tohsaka heir in the event you choose to pursue a union... considering the, recently dwindled, numbers of both families."

Shinji showed a displeased expression at the insinuation before shrugging, "Don't blame me for what comes next then I guess."

-

Once we were far enough away from the Church for me to be a 100% sure that Kirei couldn't listen in, I turned to Sean, "So, what did you think?"

"Bloody priest gives me the shivers. Somethin's seriously wrong with him." The man shuddered slightly, a hand in his coat pocket, "What should I do, boss?"

"Tell the magi the Church wants to move on them. Tell the Executors from the Church the magi want to move on them... Let's put a little show together for ourselves... I'll kill a few just to make sure the story hits harder." I smiled innocently but Sean seemed creeped out by it.

...I wonder why.

"On it, bossman." He gave me a small salute before walking away, "You mean right now, yeah?"

"Yeah, get to it. Earn that bread."

"Gotcha." He shrugged his shoulders, "Reckon this'll be bloody entertainin' if nothing else."

"That's the point, my minion."

-

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