CHP 84: The Solution To All Problems (Patreon)

Olga found Nicholas and Romani hunched over a laptop, exchanging glances with mischief visible in their eyes. Whatever they were up to, they'd even managed to rope in Leonardo Da Vinci, who was standing a ways off with crossed arms but an amused grin on her face.

Truth be told though, she didn't really have it in her to reprimand or stop her 'subordinates'.

They deserved it for all the effort they put in to protect and sustain humanity's existence.

Seriously, how bad could it be?

"Why do we have loli hentai?"

...What the actual fuck?

"Do I want to ask what you're up to?" Olga facepalmed, letting out a groan.

"I asked him why we had loli hentai." Nicholas innocently gestured to a nervous Romani, his face stuck in his usual bland expression, "And looking at all that sweat, I don't think I wanna find out."

Romani jerked at that, waving his hands in denial, "It's not mine! Or anyone's! ...Maybe Beryl's? No, I doubt that... We don't have it because we wanted it, we just archived most of what was available on the internet."

"Real convenient." Nicholas narrowed his eyes at the nervous Doctor.

"It was YOUR idea!"

"Ain't no way loli hentai was my idea... I don't even like petite chicks, much less lolis man."

"Good choice." Romani nodded with profound understanding in his eyes, joined by Da Vinci.

Unable to listen to their shit any longer, Olga blew her top again, "CONTEXT PEOPLE! CONTEXT!"

"Ah, young Nicholas here devised the perfect plan for keeping our umm..." Da Vinci rubbed her chin, running her gaze all over the mostly empty room they were in, "Increasingly 'difficult' employees at peace."

Nicholas nodded his head once, glancing back at Olga, "I thought I should do something about it after they went batshit crazy."

Huh, that was... better than she expected?

But...

"What does that have anything to do with lo-..." Olga felt heat rush up to her cheeks, "With what you were discussing."

Romani sighed, "Nothing, we're just passing time. Nicholas, explain your idea."

"Sure." Nicholas gave the good doctor a thumbs up before turning to face her, "We gave them all phones and the internet. It works with kids, it should work with them."

That was plausible.

For all their world ending and one against an army prowess, some of the servants were very peculiar in... mannerisms.

"Do we still get signals?"

"No. But as amazing as I am, Romani and me managed to throw something together." Da Vinci popped in with a hand held up in the victory sign, "After that, all we had to do was link the localised network with the communication devices and the archived internet database we use and et voila! We had phones with the internet! The speed is pretty good since it's meant to work only within these walls."

She remembered the internet archive shtick from way back when the singularities hadn't even started. It was Nicholas' idea, and they had the space and technology required to do it so she sanctioned the project... totally not out of favouritism.

Recording man's work was a feasible idea anyway.

But, there was a problem.

"So geniuses..." Olga put her hands on her hips, smirking slightly, "Tell me how exactly you were going to make heroes of legend adopt phones?"

Romani held up a hand before reporting plainly, "It's going better than expected. We've had inter-servant physical conflicts go down by 65% in the one day since we introduced them."

"With how most of them are, y'all really didn't think it was gonna work?" Nicholas asked confusedly, tilting his head, "People, they think vending machines are gifts from God and eat snacks like they the only thing that exist... You think ancient stone age entertainment can compare to modern media?"

Olga conceded with a sigh, "I see it."

Actually, she should have seen it before even having to ask.

"Look now, Jalter and Artoria are having an argument and instead of trying to rip each other a new one, they're talking it out online!"

This was definitely not happening because of how both were afraid of Nicholas' punishment.

"Why do you have access to that? Isn't it supposed to be private?"

Olga's legitimate question was waved off and ignored by all three of her subordinates in favour of watching the exchange.

[FoodieTyrant is typing...

FoodieTyrant: Your father was a three star and your mother was a black key and even they abandoned you, godless freak. Go back to the dumpster they found you in.

TheDragonWitch is typing...]

Pursing her lips, Olga also found her question fading away as her attention turned to the messages.

[TheDragonWitch: Bitch, at least my parents didn't leave me to a literal sex demon and used me like a pawn. How about you go back to having an existential crisis cause you dIdnT RuLE rIGht.]

"Oof. They became keyboard warriors." Nicholas chortled.

[FoodieTyrant: That's it, whore. Pull up.

TheDragonWitch: Wear clothes before calling someone a whore, you dumb bitch.

FoodieTyrant: Being dumb is fine if being smart means I hEAr GOd.

TheDragonWitch: I did hear him!

FoodieTyrant: Of course you did. Master told me we shouldn't come into conflict with the mentally diseased.

TheDragonWitch: ...I'm calling my husband and suing you for harassment.

FoodieTyrant: Middle Finger emoji]

"See, now they just insult each other over screens instead of fighting each other." Romani flashed a small, relieved smile.

Olga deadpanned, "Yeah but their rooms might as well be right next to each other."

Recoiling at her statement, Romani turned to Nicholas with a grim look, "Are you going to stop them?"

"Yeah, Mordred's asleep and she wanted the room next to her mother." Nicholas got up and stretched his arms, letting out a satisfied hum before walking away from them.

-

"What Yu want?" Nicholas asked with a faint smile, visibly pleased with his choice of words as he walked down one of the less empty corridors, followed by an unamused Yu Mei-ren.

"'Yu' are an asshole."

"It's not 'are', it's 'is'. And stop talking about yourself like that, you ain't that bad a person." Nicholas glanced at her with disapproving eyes, slightly shaking his head.

"What? ...No! I'm talking about you!"

"Yeah, Yu is your name... Did you get dementia or something from Rome?" Nicholas turned away from her and waved his hand at Vlad who was passing by.

The older ruler of Wallachia returned the gesture with a stoic expression and continued on his way.

"Urgh! Screw you, bastard."

"...Why do Yu want me to screw Yu? Yu down bad?"

"Ahhh! Stop it! Stop it! Damn you!" The hag-... Chinese Immortal cursed him loudly, waving around her fist with a red face.

"Damn Y-" Nicholas ducked under her sword and held his hands up in surrender, "Alright Alright. Whatchu up to?"

Yu regarded him with eyes devoid of any and all emotion, "I wanted to see how you were doing after witnessing your first war but... I see you're totally fine."

Oh right, she was an immortal.

Lived through countless large and small wars and all that jazz.

"Hey, it's the thought that counts. Thanks." Nicholas gave her a thumbs up, "It's not all that bad. We got Leonidas and Altera, plus another English Queen and a guy obsessed with taking down tyrants or something... Emiya and BB won't let me summon Nero for some reason though."

The two insisted a little too much, Emiya promised all the food he wanted and BB helped them make the internet for Chaldea so... not really a bad tradeoff.

... He'd just summon her when they weren't looking.

"I'm not sure I like how you're thinking of people as collectibles." Yu pointed out in an estranged tone.

"You can not tell me this ain't like one of them games."

"...Well, can't fault you there."

Yu accepted defeat.

-

Hope you liked the chapter.

Might be a bit rusty cause it's been a few days.

Sorry for no updates.

Laptop's battery was malfunctioning and I couldn't write jack.

On the flip side, my exams finished yesterday and the laptop is completely fixed. I even got a small break as a consequence so, I'm thinking I'll post regularly, maybe doubly for a while, cause I have a bunch of new ideas, gathered over the course of exams and boring studies.

Also guys, if it's not too much of a chore, check out DxD: Errant for Hire! and give me some thoughts. It's the first time I've ventured out of Fate.

P.S: I'm free the rest of the year so I have ample time and no excuses.