Yes Chelsea, Part 19 (Patreon)

*Chelsea Richter, age 36

“Oh my god, yes!”

I AM ENGAGED. FOR REAL THIS TIME. I CAN’T STOP SCREAMING OH MY GOD.

So things with Orin had been going pretty well for a while and we recently celebrated our 3-year anniversary. So of course, he took me out on a date and we went to this fancy steak place and he was adorable and lied to the waitress, claiming it was my birthday so I could get a free cake with the meal. It was corny, but I like cake and he likes treating me, so I was happy.

(1)

After that we went to go a big play where literally everything that can go wrong in a stage production…..does. It was hilarious and amazing and I had the absolute best time ever. But the best part of the entire play wasn’t the play itself. I started noticing that Orin wasn’t watching, so I looked over at him and he was just….staring at my with the most shiny-eyed, blissed out face ever. So I asked him what was going on and he just told me that he liked seeing me that happy so much that he stopped caring about the show and decided to take a minute to just….watch me be happy. Apparently, my smile was more captivating than the show he paid hundreds of dollars to watch. I almost cried.

After the show we drove back home and we just sort of reminisced about how we met and how happy we were together. Then he said he was feeling antsy and restless so we threw some blankets our little wagon and went to just go chill in the park and stargaze for a while. Then just out of nowhere, he just casually asked me to marry him. At first I thought it was a joke so I was all like “Omg I would love to do that!” And then he actually pulled out a ring and my heart stopped working and I died.

The engagement is a ways off, but I’ve been buzzing around the house trying to make plans. Since Orin moved in last year, he and Tori came to a weird sort of common ground that turned into passive cordiality, and now they seem to actually like each other. She and I still have our weekly shopping trips when she’s not grounded for lying about something. It’s amazing to me how much she fails to recognize that I have already tried everything she’s doing now when I was her age. Then again, I never did with my mom either. 

I didn’t know how to tell her for the longest time, so I just kept it a secret as long as I could. When I finally did say something, she seemed way more okay with it than I had originally expected. She just smiled a little bit and said “That sounds good.” If I’m being honest, I don’t know what surprised me more: that she seemed completely unaffected by my big reveal or the fact that me saying so got her to actually smile for once instead of glowering like Wednesday Addams. Still, I was pleasantly surprised.
Now here’s hoping I can slim down a bit to fit into a decent looking wedding dress.

*Victoria Richter, age 15

“Hey Tori…..Can I talk to you about something?”

A couple weeks ago Orin knocked on my bedroom door and asked if we could sit down and chat one on one. I thought I was in trouble for something or that he was gonna give me some weird speech about wanting me to see him as my dad or something, but that wasn’t it. It was weird and awkward for a while because he wouldn’t say anything and there was like….a split second where I thought he might be like trying to make a move on me and I was gonna freak out. Nope. Not that either.

Once he started talking I kinda figured out what he was building up to. But instead of just saying he was going to ask my mom to marry him, he sort of like…asked my permission first?
Orin and I just didn’t really get along too well when he first showed up because he was just one of my mom’s billion boyfriends and I didn’t really know him at all. Then he started coming over and like…trying to be my friend? It was awkward and random and like super weird so it just pissed me off. So one day I was just like “omg why do you wanna hang out with me so bad??? We have like NOTHING in common!” And he just like…kinda stood there and was like…..”We’re….both….Asian?”

It was so stupid that I was just like "uhhhhhhhh……..What?" And then I started laughing because I was like “Wow. That’s what ya had, huh bud? That’s…This is mom’s special man.” 

But he was like super serious about it and asked if I wanted to get Chinese food, and I was like….”Yeah, kinda” and he was just like “Alright. Let’s do it.” He even clapped his hands like “It’s game time!” I think that was the first time I ever really kinda liked him. Like it was super weird but it was kinda cute and I could tell why my mom was into him. Plus he’s not actually bad looking, so go mom.

We ordered the food and I explained to him that I’m only half Asian on my dad’s side and I was raised by like the whitest girl ever and he told me about what it was like growing up and how he would go back and forth between Shanghai and San Francisco when he was a growing up when his parents split up. It turns out that he wasn’t just some chad bro that my mom picked up at a bar, but a fucked up divorce baby who had to learn to be part of two countries without actually belonging to either and that’s why he’s so goofy and socially awkward when he tries to do something serious. 

He told me that he really liked my mom and that he wanted to make us happy and stuff, but that included me too, so he wanted to ask if I was okay with it before he popped the question. He explained the same stuff over and over about how he cares a whole bunch and didn’t want to just come in and say he was my dad or anything. Kinda made me feel bad for expecting him to. In the end I said it was alright with me and I could tell my mom really liked him. Then he asked for a hug and promised to teach me Mandarin. 

Eventually my mom did tell me during a shopping trip, which I thought was kinda weird. Taking me with her on shopping sprees with her is like her way of bonding with me, which always felt a little weird and shallow, but it's pretty fun and I don't know a girl who doesn't like getting a bunch of new clothes all the time for free. So she wandered around the store like she was being stalked for a few minutes and then was just suddenly like "Tori,OrinaskedmetomarryhimandIsaidyes." 

I just kinda smiled cuz I already knew and was already kind of excited for it. Plus, it was fun to see my mom kinda out of her usual boujie overconfidence about everything. Normally she's just like really put together and in control of everything, but this guy just showed up one day and turned her into a puddle.

(2)

Sigh... I think I kinda like Orin.

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*Olivia Collins, age 49

“Yes Chelsea, your hair’s- Oh my god baby, I’m so sorry. You just look so much like your mom I completely forgot who I was talking to for a second!”

(3)

Today is the day of my eldest daughter’s wedding and I am not prepared. I should be considering that I’m only months away from fifty, but instead I’m just an emotional wreck. Everything is making me cry today.

First, everyone got dressed and I got to see all the girls all prettied up and that got to me. Chelsea insisted all the women be in pink dresses for her big day and I couldn’t help but laugh. I still remember the days when she wouldn’t so much as LOOK at a pink article of clothing without retching and flying into a rant about how much she hated the patriarchy and refused to allow me to dress her up like my little Barbie doll. It suits me fine because I LOVE pink, but that’s probably why she was so against it in the first place. But now she has Victoria to contend with doing the same thing, so I get my karmic payback.
Alice is the cutest little flower girl with her little pink flower crown and her little basket and I just can’t. The first time I saw her in it I almost had my first breakdown of the day. Then of course she immediately found other kids and began playing in the dirt because why wouldn’t she?

As the mother of the bride it was my job to make sure that Chelsea was all made up and properly prepared, but that just made me cry too. She looked so incredibly beautiful and I almost got into a fight with the hairdresser because I wanted to do her hair one more time before she was all married and grown up. She didn’t get mad, but she did laugh at me and promised that if I let the lady do her job, she would come over and do each other’s hair later on.

What really shocked me though was Victoria. She showed up with her boyfriend from school and just totally stole the show for a while when she walked out of the dressing room. Of course she couldn’t just wear a pink dress without having something black on, so she wore like this kinda sexy-princess-pretty black silk collar that was just so gorgeous. 

Thankfully I didn’t cry over that, but I did have a weird moment where I went to help her with her hair a little bit and I accidentally called her by her mom’s name. I felt bad and was worried that I’d offended her, but she just looked confused. I had to explain to her that when her mom was younger, they would have looked just alike if you discounted Chelsea being a DD and Tori having the palest vampire goth skin to have ever existed. She almost didn’t believe me  and I don’t blame her really. If I told Chelsea at that age that she was going to look the way she does now on her wedding day, she’d probably have shot herself. 

I also may have gotten some slight satisfaction from the look of fear on Tori’s face when she realized that the fat blonde soccer mom looking lady in the white dress used to look just like she did, and that her super metabolism really might not last forever.

*Chelsea Lau, age 37

“I do.”

(4)

This is shaping up to be the best day of my life. I want to consider the day Chelsea was born to be the best, but this so far has involved a lot more smiling and a lot less cervix dilation. 

Everyone got to be here for my big day. My gorgeous daughter, my adorable baby sister, my awesome stepdad, and the absolute best mother any girl could ever ask for. I got to see friends I hadn’t seen since high school and catch up, which was great. Especially since it turns out that I wasn’t the only one who got fat after high school despite varying levels in success in losing weight again. 

My mom was sweet, but a little crazy about everything per usual. I had to stop her from bitching out a caterer for being late, the sound technician for taking a lunch break, and my hairdresser for….get this: attempting to do my hair. I was so worried that I was going to end up being a bridezilla but apparently my mom was the one who went a little crazy with things. Oh well. At least nothing bad happened and into one got chased out by the crazy crying lady. Especially once the reception started and she and Orin’s mom got into the wine together. I only hope I look half as good as those two do when I’m in my fifties.

I can’t say that today has turned out to only be my day really. Apparently I am sharing the spotlight with Victoria who decided to bring her boyfriend and have been turning heads everywhere they go. It hasn’t detracted from the wedding or stolen my thunder or anything. In fact, I’m proud of how gorgeous she’s become and how grown up my little girl is. I just need to watch and make sure she and her weirdly attractive 17 year old boyfriend don’t do anything stupid.

…..Women in my family have a bad track record when it comes to making good decisions.

*Victoria Richter, age 16

“Oh my god Vicky! You look JUST like your mom!”

(5)

My mom and Orin got married today. It was really nice, even if certain parts were just kinda boring and the sun was super, super hot. I felt kinda bad because I kept having to have my boyfriend Noah apply and reapply sunscreen every half hour or so and even then I still think I’m going to be sunburnt as hell tomorrow. I have this little sticker thing that turns purple every time I need to reapply SPF but I’m so fucking pale that every time I looked it was purple.
…..Maybe I should start going outside more.

Most of the party was full of people I’ve never met but claim to know me on one end and a bunch of Chinese people on the other. It was a weird mix and a few people from Orin’s family either hit on me or asked if I was like Orin’s secret lovechild. I tried to greet a few of them in Mandarin, but that turned out to be a bad idea because then they just got disappointed when they found out that I barely know any Chinese and had no idea what they were saying. Whoops.

My mom’s friends kept telling me over and over that I look like my mom, which was weird. For most of my life she’s just been….my mom. She was super fat when I was little, started getting skinny when I was like 10, and then got fat again when I turned 12. Even my grandma accidentally called me Chelsea when I asked her if she could help me untangle my hair because my hands were covered in sunscreen. Eventually one of the women at the party pulled up old facebook pictures of their friend group back before I was born and like….no shit, she really DID used to look like me. Black hair and everything.

That being said…..WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERY WOMAN IN MY FAMILY HAVE HUGE BOOBS BUT ME?!?!?! THAT IS SO FUCKING UNFAIR AND I HATE IT UGHHHHHHH!!!!!! ALSO I *HATE* BEING CALLED VICKY!!!

And now I know that my mom is lying when she tells me that hers grew in when she got pregnant because there’s bunch of pictures of her like super fucking skinny with tits the size of her head.

Just another reason for me to hate the fuck out of my biological dad. Worst sperm donor ever. Still, I can't just bitch about that forever. Noah is into me the way I am.

....Very, VERY into me, mwahaha....

It turns out I don't need giant bimbo zeppelins hanging from my chest to get him turned on when we're together on a date to the movies or at a concert....or say.......

.....At a wedding.......