Yes Chelsea, Part 16 (Patreon)

*Chelsea Richter, age 23

“….But you’re almost 40.”

So in recent news, my mom is pregnant. This would have been awesome had it happened…oh, say…..TWENTY YEARS AGO. But apparently she and Greg have decided that it’s time they had a baby of their own who will have a sister old enough to be her mom. Hell, Tori’s going to have to deal with having an aunt or uncle that’s three years younger than she is! It’s ridiculous and stupid.


They keep telling me that I should be happy for them and to grow up and act my age like they get to tell me how I’m allowed to feel about MY mother having a baby with some guy she’s only known for like four years. I think they’re rushing into it like idiots and don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about, trying to tell me to just “be happy about it.” If anything, THEY’RE the ones not acting their ages. They’re almost 40 years old and NOW they’re trying to have another kid? They’re going to be 60 by the time that kid’s old enough to drink. Geez, that’s only two years younger than I am now.
Ridiculous.

Then again, there is a silver lining. I’ve been literally working my fat ass off trying to lose weight, and I feel like I’m finally starting to get somewhere. Like, the number on the scale is going up, but I’m pretty sure that’s because I’m gaining muscle and stuff underneath my pudge layer. My mom keeps telling me to diet on top of my exercise, but honestly I’m just gonna let my body do it’s thing and lose the weight the way *I* feel is right. And while I am getting thinner, I know for DAMN sure that my mom’s going to blow up like a balloon and I’ll be the thin one again. 


It's not so much that I super care about being smaller than her, but more that I just want her off my ass about my weight. Since she lost weight and I got fat, she’s been rubbing it in that she’s this sexed up trophy housewife and I’m just a dumpy mom. Or rather…..It’s not that bad. But that’s how it FEELS when she she’ll be like “Oh Chels, maybe you shouldn’t eat that today.” Or “Yes Chelsea, I AM going out for another run with the girls. You can come along, but I’m not sure that you’ll be able to keep up with the group..”


It's always sugarcoated in this super sweet way that makes it sound like it’s not as bitchy as it actually is, but I don’t buy it. Which is why I have taken to going on those runs with that same group. It’s just a bunch of neighborhood girls jogging around, but there’s a surprising range of ages there. My mom made it sound like it was a bunch of older women only, but many of them are in college or even high school. I guess that’s the kinda shit that happens when you live in a nice area for once.


I’ve also had to stop dying my hair. I was mad when I first found out because my mom just sort of demanded I stop without really considering my feelings. Apparently the smell was making her sick and being near me was nauseating. It wasn’t as bad as I thought though after I got over the initial shock of being told to just change for her. She did treat me to a salon day and I got my hair dyed back to blonde, so that was nice. It was a bit weird for me to see my natural hair color after like…..almost 8 years of dying it. Even then I felt like I looked like a fat version of my mom, so I just had them hack most of it off. I was overdue for a change anyways.



*Olivia Collins, age 37


“I’m telling you….any day now…”

Ever since Chelsea found out that Greg and I are having a baby she’s been completely losing her shit. At first it was the fact that her sibling would be so much younger than her, but then it turned into all this bullshit about my age, my weight, my job, our house, the amount of space we have….It was dumb. On one hand, I get it. It’s a shock and I am definitely older than I wanted to be during pregnancy, but I also didn’t think I was ever going to have another after Chelsea. I was young and stupid and it ate up most of my life, yes. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve the chance to start again and have a family with my husband.


Chelsea doesn’t seem to realize that she’s still a part of it regardless of how she feels about me being able to make my own decisions. Honestly I just think she feels threatened and afraid of being replaced or something. I’ve taken on the role that she thought SHE was going to have for the rest of our lives. But while she was stuffing her face with bonbons on the couch, getting fat and lazy over Agatha Christie movies, I was putting in the work I never had time for when it was just her and me. I gave that kid all of my time and attention, and that took even more of a toll on me than Tori does with her. I never wanted to get fat either. SHE did that to me. So if she’s going to pout that I’m skinny and hot and having sex and doing whatever I want to do in MY house, in MY relationship while she sits around on MY couch, eating MY FOOD, then I think I have the right to rub it in and show the little brat what she’s missing.


She’s on this new weightloss kick too, but I’m already seeing the cracks forming. She begged me to get her a gym membership so she could drop some of the baby weight, but it only took two months for her to cancel it. Now she’s trying to go and run with my old jogging group, KNOWING that I can’t go join her because I’m full of baby at the moment. I seriously feel like the only reason she’s doing it is to make me jealous and reclaim her throne as “the hot one” in our family, but that’s not going to happen. While she’s still eating like a pregnant woman despite the exercise, I have been keeping up on my own diet and baby-friendly workouts to keep my figure all throughout my 9 months. Chelsea keeps teasing that I’m just going to wake up fat just like she did, and any time I try to remind her that I’ve had a kid before, she just asks me “And how did that turn out?”


Instead of engaging with her bullshit, I’m just keeping on. Greg is more into me than ever and the sexual attention is something I’ve never gotten before. There was a moment where Chelsea walked in on us doing stuff on the couch and she started yelling at us to take it somewhere else. This time it was Greg who got on her case and yelled back at her. He said that if she had a problem with us doing what we want in our own home, then she should get a job and move out.
She was pissed at him and for a while, so was I…but we talked about it for a while and eventually I figured he was right. She’s 23 and despite having every opportunity to succeed, she still just hangs around here with us. The townhouse is still available and she could live there relatively easily even with Tori, but she just doesn’t want to get a job. She wouldn’t even have to go any farther than up the street.

I guess it’s time to have THAT talk.