I Cannot Touch Your Body, With These Tainted Hands (January One-Shot) (Patreon)

I don't want to touch something beautiful, with dirty hands.

I wonder, isn't that the natural desire as a human.

Wearing gloves when handling gems, placing it on your hands gently, even breathing onto it is unbearable. ――I was such a person.

'Are my hands dirty? Kaito-kun, you're always wearing gloves huh'

Back when I was a third-year student in middle school, I was dumped by my very first girlfriend after three days.

The reason for that is, when she tried to hold hands with me, I ended up refusing it with all my might.

Instead of getting angry, she went off crying.

After that, I was berated as a 'clean freak scum' by the class, horribly bullied for nearly half a year, and entered a faraway high school.

I thought that it was well-deserved.

That it's the destiny of a miserable person who can't touch others.

But, I wasn't a clean freak or anything.

I'm tainted. That's why I can't touch anybody.

――I have been cast, the curse of being unable to touch people.

～～～

Half a year passed since I entered high school.

I didn't make even a single friend.

If I have friends, I'll just end up hurting them.

As a weirdo who's always wearing gloves, I became an out-of-place existence in the class.

However, it wasn't painful. Not having the chance to touch anybody, it felt very comfortable for me.

'Ple, please go out with me!'

Perhaps because I had good results and was also fairly competent at sports, I was confessed to by girls several times.

I suppose I seem mature because I don't talk.

Honestly, I still think that they're all punishment games even now.

I suppose, I probably won't ever go out with anybody anymore.

If I end up falling in love, it'll make me unable to touch her even more so.

If that happens, she'll eventually get sick of it.

Besides, she'll probably end up leaving if she finds out about my past.

However, it was something that happened on a certain day.

An extremely adorable girl appeared before me and said this.

'You, won't you go out with me?'

Because she came to the classroom, the people around started making a ruckus.

Apparently, she's a Madonna-like existence of her school year.

A girl like her is confessing to me, whom she has never even talked to before?――there's no way such an absurd and convenient situation exists.

'Err......'

'Runa is fine'

'……Runa-san. Why me? I think there are better people for Runa-san though. You'll be wasted on someone like me'

As usual. I tried to decline politely.

'......as I thought, you're spineless huh'

, said Runa-san somewhat lonelily.

Who would've thought that I'd actually be dissed by someone who confessed to me.

'As I thought, please go out with me. Answer with okay or yes'

'Eh, ah......okay'

I was presented such options that don't have any right to refuse, and I came to go out with Runa-san half-forcefully.

She appeared like a bolt out of the blue, and with an innocent smile like the sun, she brought me around to all kinds of places.

'Let's go home together!'

'Let's go to the café in front of the station, shall we'

'Hey, how about we go on a weekend date?'

'Let's go to a slightly faraway amusement park at the end of this month, come on'

She always spoke to me, who takes a blunt attitude, joyfully.

I too was keeping my promise one way or another and opening up my heart little by little.

It was fun. It was happy. It felt like I'll end up falling for her.

Therefore......it was painful.

At the fact that when I'm holding hands with her, I'm always wearing gloves.

I was afraid, that she might one day say those words to me.

'Thanks. It was fun today!'

But, she always thanked me with a smile when she leaves.

It's fun? Even though I've only ever been taking a really nasty attitude.

I know that Runa-san is being told by the people around to break up with me.

But I couldn't be the one bringing up the break up either, so I waited for her to stop caring about me and disappear naturally.

I had thought that she'd get sick of it and abandon me right away, but she smiled at me as usual, and before I know it, we were approaching our one month anniversary.

'Then, we'll meet up tomorrow at 13 o'clock!'

And again, Runa-san invited me out on a date.

My chest pained when she did that.

No matter how much time passes, I'm afraid of getting close to her.

～～～

"Alright then, I'm going off"

I departed the house before noon, so as to be in time for the arrangement with Runa-san.

"Kai-kun. You've been going out quite a bit recently huh"

"......I made a friend. I'm going to play today as well"

I say, and Oba-san¹ held her mouth and teared up.

"Kai-kun......a friend. I'm glad......I'm glad"

"You're crying too much. Th, then I'll be off"

Oba-san had more or less guessed it, the fact that I was being bullied.

That's why she's happy for me like my actual parents.

'If only, I didn't birth to you'

I hear the voice that's carved into the back of my head.

......I sure ended up recalling something awful.

When I arrived at the meet-up location, the clock's hour hand was pointing at 12 on the dial.

It's a given to arrive an hour early. There's no way that someone like me can make her wait.

With that being said, because she also arrives 30 minutes early, we basically arrange the meet-up time slightly later.

"......er, erm!"

As I'm staring blankly at the pedestrians, a voice called out to me.

It's not Runa-san. It's a girl I don't know.

"As, as I thought......Onii-chan², right?"

"............Ayami?"

Noises disappeared like the world stood still.

I knew that young girl.

It's squatting at the corner of the memories I want to seal away.

"......it's been a while huh. Are, are you doing well?"

When I heard her voice, the memories came back.

My perspiration won't stop, my heart is pounding, my breathing is getting heavy.

It hurts. I can't breathe properly.

"............eady"

"......eh?"

"Leave me alone already!"

I――ran away.

To avert my eyes from reality; to turn my back on the past.

If I could, I didn't want to meet her for the rest of my life.

Why after all this time! Why after all this time! Why after all this time!

When you abandoned me with Okaa-san³!

When you left me behind by that shitty father's side!

"Wa, wait!"

I stopped at the traffic light, and Ayami chased after me persistently.

This fellow, even though she didn't use to be so determined――.

"Okaa-san, she apologised! She regrets it the whole time even now! I'm begging you, I want you to meet Okaa-san!"

"What is it, after all this time! What happened to me at that shitty father's side after that, even you know that much, right!"

Ayami's face warped even more when she was told that.

I dream about it even now.

How I was abused by my drunk father, smashed on the head with a beer bottle.

Unable to get anything to eat, I loitered in the cold winter night with an empty stomach.

With Okaa-san bringing Ayami and leaving the house, I ended up receiving my shitty father's violence by myself.

I can't really remember it; the daily life after that

My defensive instincts are trying to forget that hell.

But, the fear alone has been engraved into me like a brand.

I shook off Ayami's hand and started running away.

I entered a deserted alley and squatted fearfully.

I'm likely, terrified.

Of that fact that the memories that I had forgotten ended up coming back.

"......Kaito"

"......Runa"

When I raise my face, Runa was staring at me worryingly.

From the looks of it, she had been watching from start to finish huh, or perhaps.......

"Did you plan it? So that I'll reunite with Ayami"

"......uh-huh. I wanted both of you to reconcile"

I thought that perhaps she would feign ignorance, but Runa quietly nodded.

I was astounded when I heard that.

'I was deceived', a vague anger filled my heart.

"Since when, were you acquainted with Ayami?"

"......since before I confessed to you"

"Then, I had been deceived right from the start huh"

"I didn't deceive you! Me liking Kaito is my true feelings!"

Runa hurriedly denies.

But, it doesn't matter.

I can't believe in anything anymore.

"Then, do you know about that as well?"

"......uh-huh. I know. The fact that you had been abused by your father, as well as the fact that your mother brought your younger sister and left the house......"

Runa, then, forced out the words that were caught in her throat.

"As well as the fact that in the end, you ended up killing your father"

"――――uu!"

A terrible chill ran through my entire body the moment I heard those words.

It's like the energy of the bustling street vanished and swallowed in the silence in one go.

She knew, about everything.

Sweat starts pouring out from my entire body.

"......that's not it. I'm not at fault. It's all, that fellow's fault!"

I held onto my head with both hands and shouted.

As though I'm making an excuse. As though I'm begging God for forgiveness.

――I remember it even now.

It was a suffocating and scorching hot day.

A few days after Okaa-san brought Ayami and left the house, I stabbed and killed my father with a knife that was in the kitchen.

I thought that Okaa-san would come back if that fellow dies. I had thought that the three of us could live happily as a family again.

An innocent and shallow thinking, from being very young.

I remember it even now.

It's stored inside my heart, even when it feels like I've forgotten about it.

The revolting stench of decay.

The pair of hands dyed in blood.

The vivid sensation when I stabbed the flesh.

'As I thought, you're my son. ......since you have my tainted blood in you. You......murderer'

Up until the very end, the shitty father was a shitty father.

Stabbed by me, he was laughing. At the end of the day, we're birds of the same feather.

It was when I was still an elementary school student. It was when I fell victim to post-traumatic stress disorder from the extended period of abuse, and the emotional trauma from my mother's departure.

Despite being a criminal one would call a parricide, I was deemed to not have criminal responsibility and was protected by the law.

After that, I was taken in by Oba-san.

There was a sense of distance, but I was raised with love.

But, the consciousness of the crime was the only thing that wouldn't disappear.

No matter how much I washed my hands, fresh crimson blood was clinging onto them.

Memories are cruel.

The more I want to forget about it, the more I can't.

The memories of that day are, burned into the back of my head and wouldn't go away.

"You went out with me, knowing full well of that huh"

Again, I question Runa's abnormality.

For her to confess to me despite knowing that I'm a murderer, I can't think of her as anything but insane.

"Murder is something bad. I won't say something like, 'your actions are right', no matter what. ......but, you suffered plenty. You have to be happy"

"......huh? Having killed my parent, there's no way I can be happy, right!"

I say sobbingly.

I probably, won't be able to love anybody the rest of my life.

This is a curse.

A curse in which I can't touch people. A curse in which I can't love people.

If I don't chop off this pair of blood-soaked hands, if I don't vomit this tainted blood flowing within my body, I can't be by Runa's side.

I don't want to touch something beautiful with dirty hands.

No matter where I go, I'm an ugly murderer.

"That's not true! You, just can't forgive yourself!"

Of course.

The law didn't judge me because I was a child.

But, the consciousness of the crime follows me around like a ghost.

"Even the law wouldn't judge me, who are you saying will forgive me"

"I'll forgive you. Even if you can't forgive yourself, I alone will forgive you. If you're shouldering an unforgivable sin, then I'll shoulder it with you as well"

Runa grabbed my hand.

When I shook it away vigorously, my gloves fell off, and my skin was exposed.

The pair of hands dyed in tainted blood.

"Kaito!"

Runa immediately grabbed those hands.

At that moment, I could see Runa's white skin being stained red.

"Don't touch me! I......don't want to sully Runa!"

The fresh blood is infecting her. It's contaminating Runa.

I can't stand that.

Her heart, her soul――is being tainted. It's clouding.

"I――don't mind being sullied by you!"

However, those words cleared the shadow in my heart.

"Ah, no......not in that strange meaning, alright!"

Runa blushes and corrects herself.

But, her hands alone carried on holding firmly and didn't let go.

"......why, are you being so kind to me"

I toss at her a given question.

Even if she's acquainted with Ayami, I wonder where's the obligation for her to go that far.

Immediately after, Runa gave a faint smile lonelily.

"As I thought, you've forgotten about it huh. Back when we were middle school students, we ended up breaking up after three days after all"

"......eh?"

"We may have been addressing each other by our surname, but isn't it cruel of you to have forgotten about it?"

She tells me that, and the figure of that girl in my memories and Runa overlaps.

No way. It's that girl huh.

I mean, I entered a faraway school, and her looks are quite different as well.

"I wanted to reconcile one day and took the entrance exam for the same high school. Because you're smart, I did my best studying, and because I was a plain girl, I studied various things like fashion and hairstyle and worked hard so that you'll fall for me. ......thanks to Kaito, I was able to change"

Runa blushes and smiles embarrassedly.

"......I always wanted to apologise. That day, I was sad because you refused to hold hands and consulted my friend about it. When I found out that you're being bullied, I didn't do anything. ......I'm really sorry"

Don't apologise. ――I can't even put that thought into words.

I don't get it. Why would she go that far for me.

Even though I'm a boring person with no redeeming feature.

"Ah, that's a face that's still not convinced huh. It's because both your self-evaluation and self-affirmation are extremely low. At any rate, you're probably still thinking that me confessing and going out with you too, is a punishment game or something"

"......uu"

She's right on the mark.

But, thinking that way might be the fate of a loner.

If your self-evaluation is low, you'll end up assuming that there's nobody who'll fall for you.

"In that case――"

Immediately after, Runa interlocked her fingers with the hand she held and did a lover's grip.

And then, suddenly――she stole my lips.

I felt strength going in, into both our fingers.

My heart tightens, and pulses like the wave.

"......even with this, you still can't believe it?"

Saying that, Runa licked her lips embarrassedly.

Looking at that expression, my strength slipped from my entire body.

I realised.

That charming expression of hers is, that of a maiden in love.

"Why......uu. Someone like me"

"It's because I know, how you're actually kinder than anybody"

Runa asserts firmly.

Come to think of it, it was also the other side that confessed back when we were middle school students.

"Although you probably think of yourself as a terribly boring person, I don't think so. If you hate yourself, I'll work hard for you to come to love yourself"

A beam of light shines, at my heart that had sunken to the depths.

"How many more times do I have to say what I like about you, I wonder?"

Runa smiled with compassionate eyes like that of an Angel.

"......Runa, you'll stay by my side, despite knowing my past?"

"Uh-huh. Of course――eh!"

I pulled Runa in and hugged her tightly.

Before I know it, I could no longer see the blood on my hands.

"Thank you......I had thought that for my entire life, I won't be able to say it to anybody. Thinking that perhaps I will have to carry it and live by myself the whole time......I was really afraid"

Everybody will end up leaving if they find out about my past.

I have been living while continuously hiding, continuously deceiving, and carrying the guilt the whole time.

That's why I can't be by anybody's side. ――that's what I had thought.

I cried. I bawled, like a child.

I wonder how long has it been since I cried.

Come to think of it, I didn't cry even when Okaa-san left the house, even when I killed Otou-san⁴.

Maybe the whole time, I wanted to reveal my weakness to somebody.

Runa, while patting the head of such me, embraced me gently.

～～～

On a later day, through Runa's intermediation, I had a conversation with Ayami face to face.

And then, I heard about what happened when Okaa-san left the house.

That Okaa-san suffered terrible domestic violence(DV) and was mentally exhausted.

That Okaa-san, who didn't have the leeway financially to raise two people, decided to at least let Ayami alone escape first.

That it was planned for Oba-san to come and fetch me right after that.

That I ended up killing Otou-san before that.

That Oba-san has been feeling indebted towards the fact that she was late.

That Okaa-san found out about that and ended up in a vegetative state.

It seems she had actually left behind a letter that conveyed all of that, but I apparently didn't manage to discover that letter.

If I had read that letter, it might not have turned into such a tragic conclusion.

"......Okaa-san, she's bedridden even now after five years, she only responds faintly even when I speak to her. But, she occasionally goes, 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry', apologising to Onii-chan"  

Ayami then pled once again. ――I want you to meet Okaa-san, she says.

"I'll ask you as well. Kaito too, it can't carry on like this, that's what you're actually thinking, right"

Runa bowed with Ayami as well.

To refuse these two's request, as an older brother, as a boyfriend, as a man, as a human, it feels wrong.

Hence, I listened to the pair's request.

I actually want to meet Okaa-san as well. I want to meet her and reconcile.

When Okaa-san was suffering from violence, I would always shield her and get beaten.

That's why while crying in pain, Okaa-san said something cruel like, 'If only, I didn't give birth to you'.

I suppose Okaa-san thought that I'd no longer have to shield her if that's the case.

I'd definitely hate for those words, to be our last.

About a week passed since then, and I went to meet Okaa-san with Runa.

"I wonder if she'll recognise me"

"Well, a certain somebody did forget about me in merely one year after all"

"I have no rebuttal......"

Runa smiles mischievously.

"Shall I go with you as well?"

"No, this is good enough. I'll go by myself. This, I have to go by myself"

"Uh-huh, I got it"

A tiny room, in the city's largest hospital.

I confirm the nameplate with Okaa-san's name written and take a deep breath in front of the door.

The hand I held up is trembling.

"......what am I afraid of"

It's fine. I, have Runa.

Although I still haven't collected my thoughts on what I want to talk about, I'm sure it's fine. That's how I feel.

Kon Kon⁵, I knocked, and I heard a soft voice going, "......come in".

I slowly slide the sliding door, and the spring breeze that blew in from the window brushed the tip of my nose. 

The white curtain that gives off a sense of cleanliness is fluttering because of the wind.

It's hardly surprising, but Okaa-san's appearance didn't change that much.

Even so, her complexion looks better compared to back then.

That's a given. She probably couldn't get enough sleep back then because of the raising of the children and my father's violence.

"......uu! Ka, Kaitou......"

Okaa-san took a look at me and opened her eyes widely.

Thank goodness, she recognised me.

Even though my appearance has probably changed significantly since we haven't met for 5 years.

In response to Okaa-san, who covers her mouth with her hand and cries, I walked closer with a smile.

Since I'm sure because of her guilt, Okaa-san won't come close to me.

"......sorry. I couldn't come to meet you until today"

"No way......I, did something horrible to you"

"It's alright. I'm doing well"

Choking on her tears, Okaa-san squeezed her voice out.

I sit on the chair that's placed beside the bed and peeked at Okaa-san's frightened eyes.

"I'm sorry......I'm sorry......I, ended up doing the worst and unforgiveable thing as a parent"

"I'll forgive you. Even if Okaa-san you can't forgive yourself, I'll forgive you. It's true that it was a harrowing experience, it was lonely, it was painful. ――but, I'm happy now. I want Okaa-san to be happy as well"

Like how Runa did to me.

I shall forgive Okaa-san as well.

It's not like forgiveness is approval.

It's not that I can't forgive myself, it's that I didn't want to.

I thought if I forgive myself, I'll end up really becoming a murderer.

But it's wrong. If you don't forgive yourself, you can't move forward.

"Let's start over once more, with us three family members. Ayami wishes for that as well"

"......un. Un. Thank you......thank you"

I grabbed Okaa-san's hand.

Of course, I don't need gloves anymore.

Okaa-san's hands were small and trembling.

I'm no longer, the side who's being protected.

"That's right. I, got a girlfriend. The cutest and gentlest girl in the world. I'll introduce her to you next time"

"......it's a girl Kaitou chose after all, I'm sure she's somebody marvellous. I'm looking forward to it"

It's still clumsy, but Okaa-san undoubtedly smiled.

It's fine to take it step by step. It's fine to go slow.

We're going to take back the five years we lost.

So that we can laugh as a family and push on into a happy future again.

Let's live happily from now on.

Beating yourself up isn't compensation.

I don't want to touch something beautiful, with dirty hands.

But more than that.

With these hands, through the skin, I want to touch the gentleness and warmth of somebody――that's what I thought.

FOOTNOTE

¹: Grandmother

²: Older brother

³: Mother

⁴: Father

⁵: Knock Knock