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Lost Omens - Beta Read Club! Ch1 sc 3 (Patreon)

Published:
2017-06-17
Imported:
2021-07

Downloads

Content

Back to Railyn for the end of chapter 1!!

 BACKGROUND:

This is a fantasy comic I completed in thumbnail form in 2014-2015. For more background: https://www.patreon.com/posts/inventory-lost-7710527

PLEASE:

  • DO comment as  much as you like! 
  • DON'T share this  work outside Patreon. It's incomplete and not intended for wider distribution. Thank you!!

It's rough! Sorry if the art or writing is illegible in places - feel free to call those places out and I can clarify :) 

CONTENT WARNINGS for this scene: 

Blood, death. 

Files

Comments

Anonymous

I'm not sure what's happening in the middle of p39, and I can't read the word above Railyn's head either 😅 also Railyn's reaction on p40 is basically what i was talking about in my comment about scene 1, i felt like Railyn would want to point out that same contradiction to the old guy in the crowd. it makes more sense having it here though.

jam
>>5708968

That's a flashback to Railyn as a child. The word flashback-Railyn is shouting is "Trellu!" (a name). It's a rough drawing, but it's Railyn hiding under the floorboards and blood is seeping through from above (:0)

jam

This was the end of chapter 1! Beginnings are really important so I'm really interested in your impressions overall at this point. Thanks :))

Anonymous

i have been reflecting on this for a few days, because i think a lot of my responses are guided mainly by the fact that this isn't the kind of story i would normally read, so i'm not sure whether they would be very interesting/useful for you? and i can't offer any, like, genre-savvy commentary either. i guess it depends how interested you are in feedback that is more to do with fantasy tropes in general rather than things that are necessarily specific to your story. that said, i think the opening scenes have done a good job of suggesting that you've crafted a detailed world ready to be explored without actually hammering that point home with lots of overbearing exposition and so forth, which is something i personally appreciate. Railyn seems like an interesting character so far, although i feel like the rapid-fire character deaths of her family members (by putting the flashbacks in right before her uncle is also killed) perhaps lessens the impact of these events. more broadly though, the ideas you've set up surrounding the pursuit of pure pacifist ideals versus the difficulty and messiness of actually implementing those ideals is something that i am personally very interested in as well, so i am looking forward to seeing what you have to say on that subject. oh yeah, and... when are the #plothunks going to show up 😅

jam
>>5755993

Hi Tim! Your responses have been really thoughtful and valuable, and I wanted to thank you very sincerely for reading this far :)) I can understand that it's not for you, that's TOTALLY fair! One of my biggest reservations about this work is that it is *so* different from my usual work. I forget who specifically I assigned as #plothunks but... *my* personal fav shows up in chapter 2 :) Considering you're one of not many people reviewing - should I continue?

NJGR

Slowly getting through these. Sorry! I'd agree that you should keep sharing these, and I hope you get more feedback over time. Your Patreon feed doesn't seem less chatty than any of the others we're a part of, so I don't think that's an indicator with this. And yeah, reading and giving feedback takes a lot of time, which not everyone may be able to do (or feel like they're able to do well enough). I definitely had a bit of a needed adjustment with this, since it is different from what I am used to with Wasted Talent, but I am definitely liking how the story develops from the escape at the execution. As Tim said, you're not overloading us but exploring well. I do kind of wonder if the uncle's death is not needed (if that's what we're getting from that panel, I wasn't quite sure from the sketch and sounds effect thingies). I almost wonder if some kind of stronger verbal rejection on his part of who she is would almost be better at this point, just to reinforce what had happened in the scene with him, and her isolation (which I think those ending visuals emphasize really well. Can't wait to see those fully drawn, etc.)? I'd also be leery of killing him, maybe to avoid making the invading force be too over the top. If they're going to kill randomly around like that, they get a little more like "goatee twirlers" and less dimensional, as well as making it harder for the Resistance not to want to fight back. It might just be that it feels a little too Hollywood villain race, but I dunno, even dragging the uncle off to prison or "disappearing" is almost more creepy. But you know more about where you are going with the world, so I'll just leave it at that. --Neal