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Lost Omens - Beta Read Club! Ch 1 Sc 1 (Patreon)

Published:
2017-05-31 00:00:01
Imported:
2021-07

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Content

Okay~! Ok. Ok. 

I've been psyching myself up for this for awhile but it's time to do it!! I'm going to start posting thumbnails from Lost Omens! Let's start with... scenes every week on Tuesdays??

BACKGROUND:

This is a fantasy comic I completed in thumbnail form in 2014-2015. For more background: https://www.patreon.com/posts/inventory-lost-7710527

PLEASE:

  • DO comment as much as you like! I'm going to refrain from posting *my* commentary or perspective because the beta read is more about YOUR reactions and perspectives about the work. I'd love for this to be a discussion :)
  • DON'T share this work outside Patreon. It's incomplete and not intended for wider distribution. Thank you!!

It's rough! Sorry if the art or writing is illegible in places - feel free to call those places out and I can clarify :) 

Here are the first 3 pages so you can get an idea between thumbnails and the final pages they're intended to represent:

https://www.patreon.com/posts/lost-omens-page-7710590

https://www.patreon.com/posts/lost-omens-page-7710606

https://www.patreon.com/posts/lost-omens-page-7710655

CONTENT WARNINGS:

For the entire work:

The work is centered on war and features a lot of on-page death, including major character death. Faith is also examined as a theme. Some body horror. Also will include alcohol, gun violence, smoking. 

For this scene: 

Death, guns, blood


Files

Comments

Stuart Telfer

Oh! Cool! I enjoyed the pages you shared with us previously - I'll be looking forward to seeing more of this story!

Anonymous

my main thought after reading this opening part was that it seemed odd that all these people adhering to an apparently super-pacifist belief system don't seem to be too concerned about a public execution of one of their own people? i mean obviously it's normal for religious belief systems to contain contradictions like that, and i imagine it's something you'll be delving into later in the story, but it may help to acknowledge it at the start too, perhaps with Railyn throwing it back at the lecturing old guy in the crowd or something. it's good to be able to compare the first three draft pages with the fully drawn ones you've previously posted too, i think they illustrate how when you focus on actually rendering each page there is a noticeable jump in quality as you tighten everything up and make dialogue tweaks and so on. something to keep in mind given your previous comments about this project seeming like a failure in your mind - even before you've made any major story revisions or anything else you may be considering, the finished product would quite likely still be a lot better than the draft you're currently staring at. also... lmao @ the sea lion using "water gun" XD

jam
>>5485465

Thanks Tim!! Yeah for sure, one of the primary critiques I got was about the structure of pacifism in this particular world, and my thoughts on it seeming a bit inconsistent (which is fair, it's complex!) Watch This Space I guess is what I'm saying. I'd love to talk it through more, and I need to do a lot more reading. For THIS particular scene though, it might help if you knew that the pacifist culture (the Zumari) are being OCCUPIED by the non-pacifist culture (the Kelari). The Kelari are the ones trying to execute Railyn. The Zumari hate the execution, but they also hate everything about their current situation. I'm not sure how I can better convey that in the initial pages. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (And you pointing out that it didn't make sense to you is the perfect kind of feedback I need - to be 100% clear the failing is mine not yours :)) ) The Omens (Sea Lion) I want to be kinda like Pokemon :> Except you only have one, and they're kind of "energy beings" and you only get them intermittently (more later). And yeah, it would be better in a finished version, but before embarking on that much work I want to untangle the BIG story questions. Thanks!!!!

NJGR

Jam, I’m so sorry I’ve been slow on giving you feedback with this. First off, I think there is a lot of good stuff (and good potential) shown with your finished pages and the thumbnails, so not a failure, to my mind. I hope you don't still feel that way about it, coming back to it and working on it some more. Maybe what you have was just a needed draft or stage on the road to what this needs to be. I don’t know exactly how the approaches work for everyone in the graphic novel community, but I definitely know fiction writing, and it can take a heck of a lot of drafts and feedback and revisions before something gets to where it needs to be. Even if you’ve been at all of that for a long time, which it sounds like you have (I hope I don’t sound too teacher-y or coach-y with this stuff. Teaching is my other job, besides writing, so I do lean that way with my approach to feedback). Anyway, I liked seeing how things polished up with those three pages you shared, and thought there was some really dynamic stuff there. The gray speech bubbles really work to feel like a crowd murmuring or talking over each other (and will be more readable in a larger size version of the page), and I loved the juxtaposition of Railyn with the crowd on page 2, as well as the reactions of that woman in the crowd: they’re not just a faceless mass. With the thumbnails, I thought you kept setting up an interesting dynamic for this world—Railyn wants to do something, but it obviously hits against the pacifism of her people and her own desire not to kill. It has a lot of interesting real-world echoes that I wish more sci-fi/fantasy stories (or any entertainment) would deal with. We mow throw far too many faceless hordes with ease in our media. Not sure if you’ve ever read the long Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan, but he at least tangled with the idea some via a pacifist group that a few main characters care about or get involved with. I kind of wish he had explored the issue more than he did, but it is noteworthy, since not a whole lot of other well-known series do this. For your opening, you’re walking a good line between the “rule of cool” stuff and exploring your deeper themes. I think it is possible to do both! One related hangup for me that relates to Tim’s earlier comments. To my mind, it seemed like there was a lot of crowd debate being allowed by an invading force that is executing a terrorist. While I get the drama of opening on the execution scene, I wonder if elongating things in some way, by even having Railyn be marched through the town a bit (allowing for some crowd reactions and talk) while we see soldiers forcing everyone to the execution square would still be plenty dramatic, but allow things to be a little more realistic/organic (and deal with the issues brought up by me, Tim, and your other feedback people)? Even opening with Railyn in prison and having a fellow prisoner or visiting religious authority figure could have interesting consequences, depending on how you want to do it. And there is still plenty of room for drama and cool there. Some more depth or setup with the religious figure/leader could be really interesting too. Maybe having Zumari leaders be required to take part in the execution of justice against their own, or something like that, could allow for why they would be talking, but also let you start setting up and explore those societal implications. Do the leadership feel like they are forced to, or have to help their people by supporting the powerful invaders? The line about rather dying than betraying their god is… I dunno, maybe limiting at this point? That feeling should definitely be there somewhere in the story, as that’s a way people think about faith for sure, but I wonder if the values espoused by the god and the religion should be more at the forefront here, particularly the pacifism (and possibly acceptance?). It’s not just an unwillingness to go against their god, but also the very real, good way of living that god has taught them. I realize you undoubtedly have a lot of these things thought about or sketched out, so take all that with a grain of salt, integrate it as you want, etc. But I definitely feel like a little reworking of this opening will help in establishing the dynamics of the story better, as well as not lead to any reader hangups (though keep in mind you’re always going to have some hangups with different audiences). I hope I was able to help! :) --Neal