Chapter 291: Investigation (1) (Patreon)

[General POV]

Inside Franklin’s Middle School, the fluorescent lights flickered as a janitor with a scruffy 70s-style hairdo and oversized orange sunglasses mopped the floor in a crude manner. 

His gaze was fixed intently on one particular teacher from across the corridor. The floor was barely cleaned when he decided to move closer toward the teacher to get a better look. 

Mrs. Henderson, clad in her two-piece attire with her hair up in a bun, walked to the other side of the corridor without noticing the janitor. In her hand was a list containing the volunteer names for the Winter Dance. 

Suddenly, the janitor had to avert his gaze as Enid popped up in front of Mrs. Henderson. He quickly walked away without even wringing his mop, dirty water dripped alongside the corridor as he left. 

“Can I please become a member of the party planning committee? Finneas and Alex are doing it, and I feel left behind!” Enid hugged Mrs. Henderson’s arm and clung to her.

Mrs. Henderson, unbothered, replied coldly, “Maybe if you hadn’t skipped school to camp out at the courthouse, you would’ve managed to put your name in.”

Enid whined, “But Edward needs me there! If you hadn’t kept up with the news, you’d know he was dragged to court for doing the right thing! Please—PRETTY PLEASE!”

Mrs. Henderson hesitated, then let out a sigh of defeat. “Alright. But I’m only doing this as a favor to you. You’ll have to repay me sooner or later.”

Enid grinned and saluted the teacher. “Aye Aye, Sir!”

The janitor whistled as he walked to the cleaning closet, his voice echoing through the empty corridor. 

As he entered the room, he stepped over a balding middle-aged man who lay unconscious on the floor, tape over his mouth and ropes binding his body.

…

[Edward POV]

As I woke up the next morning, I headed to Palisades High School to pick up my things from my locker. Class hadn’t started yet, so the corridors were bustling with students, whispering excitedly and pointing as they saw me enter.

Tyler, Tyrone, Jacob, and Kyle followed closely behind, keeping the other students at bay.

Principal Brown spotted me and smiled as he made his way over, but he was halted by Tyrone and Jacob.

“G-Guy—what’s with the stares? I just want to say hi to him,” Principal Brown said, stammering under the intense gaze of the angry Jacob. 

Tyrone scoffed, responding sarcastically, “You already suspended him for doing the right thing? What’s next? Fail him in class for breathing? Make him go to detention for helping a friend with homework?!”

Principal Brown shook with nervousness as Jacob inched closer, towering over him. Stammering, he averted Jacob’s gaze. “O-Oh, that’s right, I have a meeting to get to—Um… I’m already late—” He abruptly turned and rushed away.

I chuckled at the scene before finally reaching my locker. As I opened it, Haley and Tara approached me, with Haley carrying a small purse instead of books.

Leaning against the locker next to mine, Haley twirled her hair and flirted, “Wow, there are so many fan letters and gifts. You must’ve been somebody pretty famous.” Tara looked at Haley with disbelief and mumbled, “What?”

I nodded and played along. “Yeah, for the wrong reason, though. I ran naked through a news broadcast, and now people are obsessed with me since they saw my family jewels.”

“Oh, is that so?” Haley widened her eyes slightly before giggling and lightly touching my arm. I leaned on the locker, facing her properly. “What’s this? Why are you acting like a pick-me girl? What’s wrong? Tell me so I can play along.”

Haley froze, and Tara cackled at her reaction. “She’s doing this to keep up her image as your side chick,” Tara revealed.

“What?” I widened my eyes in intrigue and teased, “You’re my side chick? How in the world did that happen when I didn’t even have a main chick?”

Haley rolled her eyes. “Hey, I’ve never claimed to be that!” It was one of the most popular topics at Palisades High—my supposed secret relationship with Haley. Everyone had kept it hushed, and I was just now discovering it.

“But you played along,” Tara pointed out again. My gaze was locked on Haley, making her feel self-conscious. She avoided my eyes, and before we could say anything else, a girl approached.

With unkempt blonde hair, thick glasses, and a Star Wars t-shirt, the girl clutched some books and patted Haley on the shoulder. “Hey, I finished your homework. You said you needed it before first class?” she said cheerily, a hint of bashfulness in her voice as she glanced at me before lowering her head.

Haley widened her eyes in shock, and my gaze narrowed. “Sy—Sydney. What are you talking about? When did I ask you to do my homework?” Haley stammered, shoving the nerdy girl away.

“But you said—” Sydney looked shocked and betrayed as Haley pushed her. I turned to Haley with annoyance. “You’re letting another girl do your homework now, Regina George?”

“What!? NO! I’m not Regina George!” Haley protested, referencing the main antagonist from Mean Girls.

“What’s the deal you struck with her then? You definitely didn’t make her do that for nothing, right?” I asked with a disingenuous smile. Haley was speechless for a few seconds before stammering, “Of—Of course there is something.”

I turned to Sydney, who was slumping as she walked away. “Sydney, come back!” I called out. She reminded me of someone from my previous life—an actress named Sydney who starred in Euphoria.

Sydney looked befuddled as she turned around and pointed to her face. “Me?”

Haley was anxious again, and Tara kept cackling beside her.

[Haley’s Commentary]

“I really didn’t ask her to do my homework. She volunteered! There’s a difference!”

[End Commentary]

After a quick conversation, Haley ‘decided’ she would take Sydney shopping and hanging out at the mall, which was all the girl wanted from her.

“Nice shirt, by the way.” I complimented Sydney and winked as she looked up to thank me. She blushed immediately and hurried away from the situation. Haley stared at me in disbelief after Sydney was gone.

“You didn’t help her because, um…” Haley hesitated, but Tara shot the question directly, “Because of her huge jugs?”

The bell rang, which saved me from answering. “Go now, don’t talk with the delinquent anymore,” I teased as I waved goodbye.

Haley, dissatisfied, grabbed my hand before I could leave. “Wait. You’re going to the police station now?”

“No. I’m going to the film set first. I’ll head there in the evening,” I replied. She nodded in understanding and said, “Break a leg!”

“I’ll definitely try.” I nodded in agreement. Haley looked at me with derision and added, “Not at your police job! At your acting job!”

“Oh right. Thanks! Seriously, you guys should go to class now. Haley, I’ll talk to you later?” I turned to Haley after addressing all my friends. I said goodbye to my male friends with fist bumps. Haley replied as I was fisting Jacob—something about that sounded wrong.

“Yeah. I’ll text you.” 

When I walked out of the school, every student had already gone inside the classroom. The schoolground was empty, which made me feel quite melancholic, and also quite like an outsider there. 

It didn’t take too long for me to throw that thought to the back of my mind like I did with all the others and drove to the film set.

“Wait, I have an appointment with Linda today.” I suddenly remembered. “Eh, she’ll understand that I cannot make it.” I shrugged it off and suddenly, my phone rang. I connected my bluetooth headset (for cars) and answered it.

“Hi Pepper, I’m on my way.” I spoke immediately, already expecting that he was going to ask me about my whereabouts.

…

“Thank you and good job, everyone!” I announced to the filming staff after we wrapped up for the day. Maggie was still focused on her documentary, her camera trained on me.

Donald Glover approached, a grin on his face. “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask—you're a magician too?”

“How did you know?” I replied, intrigued.

“My source wants to keep herself anonymous… alright, it’s your cousin,” he confessed, not even attempting to hide it as he broke down.

I glanced at Maggie in disbelief before turning back to Donald. “Want me to show you a trick?”

“Hell yeah!” he exclaimed, excitement lighting up his face. “Alright, I’m going to do an illusionist-type magic.”

Ryan Gosling, Margot Robbie, and Emily Blunt noticed what we were up to and turned their attention our way.

I placed my hand on Donald’s shoulder. “Focus on my finger. When I snap my fingers, you’ll forget you were ever gay.” I snapped my fingers.

“Huh?” Donald looked confused. “But I was never—WAIT A MINUTE!” His eyes widened in shock as he protested, “You can’t do that because I was never GAY!”

I leaned toward the camera and whispered, “Magic.”

“Magic my ass! I was never gay!” he argued, but then fell deep in thought. “Wait, was I—NO! Never!”

The girls rolled their eyes, laughing at my antics. Ryan was wheezing with laughter, thoroughly enjoying Donald’s bewilderment and existential crisis.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow!” I waved them goodbye before leaving. I turned to Donald and asked, “Do you want me to lift off the hypnotism?”

“Yes! WAIT!-- NOOOO! HUH?! WHAATT!? WHAT SHOULD I DO?!!” He whined and almost cried because of it. “WHO AM I!?” He shouted, aggrieved.

I left Donald contemplating existence and drove to the police station, only to find a huge crowd of reporters camping outside. Not wanting to attract attention, I bypassed the station and called Chloe. “Hello, Detective. How am I supposed to get into the station?”

She sounded confused. “Through the front. How else?”

“Did you even check what’s happening there?” I asked begrudgingly. There was a brief silence before she finally stopped a uniformed officer to ask. After a moment, she sighed, “You can start tomorrow—”

I interjected, “Do you think they won’t be there tomorrow?”

“Hmm, you’re probably right. But if you don’t get in, you won’t be able to fulfill your deal with the judge,” she replied, frustration creeping into her voice. “Again, I’m really sorry for getting you into this mess.”

I sighed. “It’s fine. Twenty cases isn’t a lot. It’s better than fifteen days of community service. I wouldn’t be able to manage that with my schedule right now.” Plus, I wouldn’t finish them before my world tour, so the deal with the judge made my punishment a bit easier.

“What do you think we can do?” Chloe asked.

“The judge said I only need to work with you, not be at the station. Why don’t you grab your open cases and meet me at my house?” I suggested.

She paused for a moment before agreeing. I drove back home and, upon entering, asked Robin to hide her presence from Chloe.

As I sank into the couch to relax before Chloe arrived, a brilliant idea struck me. Without hesitation, I grabbed my phone and called a detective I knew.

“Hello, Juvie,” Detective Rosa Diaz answered with a slight teasing inflection. This wasn’t the first time I called the police station. In fact, I did it soon after I got out of court to thank them for their letters of support. Most of them were already familiar with me.

“Hello, Ballerina,” I greeted back. Her mood shifted instantly. “How did you know that? Did you run a background check on me?! Screw you!” She hung up abruptly.

I chuckled and called another contact, knowing Rosa wouldn’t pick up again for a while.

“Hello, Edward!” Sergeant Terry Jeffords answered. Rosa rushed over, having noticed.

“Hang up!” she demanded of Terry.

“What—Hold on!” Terry gestured for her to wait before asking me, “How did you piss off Detective Diaz?”

“Put me on speaker,” I replied. He reluctantly complied, and Rosa glared at him the entire time.

“Ro-ro, calm down,” I said after Terry confirmed I was on.

“You have no privilege of calling me Ro-ro! Or even Rosa now!” she snapped.

“You know, you could really benefit from some anger management lessons,” I retorted, quickly shifting the subject. “You know about my deal with the judge?”

Jake, eager to chime in, exclaimed, “The one where you need to solve twenty cases or you’ll go to jail? When I first heard it, I thought it was a plot for a movie!”

Terry joined in, “Yeah, we heard! So you're calling Rosa to get some advice?”

“Oh! I volunteer to be your mentor! As long as you put my name in your memoir!” Jake blurted out.

“I think I can manage on my own. It’s not like solving cases is hard,” I said cockily. Rosa scoffed, and everyone reacted in dissatisfaction.

Amy Santiago finally chimed in, “There are many factors involved in solving a case—”

“No need for advice, Amy. I think I can do it better than you guys.” 

“Wanna bet?!” Jake took the bait easily. “Sure, the 99th precinct versus me,” I teased.

“Let’s talk terms!” Jake slammed the table, agitated.

“Alright, it’s individual counts, so you can’t pool your numbers together,” I said, knowing exactly how they’d react. As expected, everyone erupted in anger, thinking that I was looking down on them too much. 

“You guys can decide what you want from me. I’ll wait. It doesn’t matter because I’ll win anyway,” I told them confidently.

Boyle exclaimed in disappointment, “Why are you so mean? I really thought you were nice!”

Rosa fell into deep thought before realizing something. “Wait. He is nice. He’s baiting us.”

“So the first person to solve twenty cases wins!” Jake concluded, clarifying the terms.

“Alright, so if I win, what will I get?” I asked.

“What do you want?” Amy asked with a slight agitation.

I grinned. “I have specifics for each of you. For Rosa, you have to send me a picture of you smiling. It must be a selfie.”

Rosa snapped, “If I win, I’ll gouge out your eyes!”

“Scary, but I accept,” I replied casually. “For Terry, you have to go a week without wearing your suspenders.”

“Come on, man!” Terry protested.

“For Boyle, he has to eat whatever Jake is eating.”

“Nooo!” Boyle exclaimed in a high-pitched voice. Jake shot back at Boyle, “I eat normal food!”

“For Jake, he needs to go on a date with Amy. And vice versa for Amy,” I continued.

“What? NO!” Jake and Amy protested in unison.

“Yes!” Boyle agreed with me. “I can sabotage them to make them lose the case, can I?” He blurted out his plan.

“NO!” Jake retorted to Boyle.

“And if I lose, I’ll donate two brand new Mustangs for your precinct since you guys didn’t come out with anything.” I added.

“Damn!” Terry exclaimed in excitement. Rosa’s expression shifted as she processed the stakes. “Do we have a deal?” I asked.

“Deal!” Everyone agreed at the same time. As Captain Holt was already stationed at the 99th precinct, I kept wondering what would happen to Jake and Amy. Their romantic relationship started at the bet they made to decide who would close most cases. 

After egging on the duo for a while, Jake and Amy made a side bet to see who would close 20 cases first, which was what I was aiming for. 

We set some terms for the value of cases solved: misdemeanors would count as 1 case, felonies as 3 cases, and serial offenses as 10 cases.

Detective Chloe arrived at my place less than a minute after I finished the call. I went to her car and picked up the large boxes from her trunk. “Someone’s excited to start working,” she commented as she saw me in a hurry.

“The stakes are high here, so why don’t you just stay in the car, and I’ll tell you where you need to go to arrest people?” I replied.

She rolled her eyes, and before she could respond, I had already gone inside the house. “...Should I really wait inside the car?” she mumbled, deciding to follow me inside.

Solving a case requires legwork, evidence gathering, witness statements, and so on. Obviously, I couldn’t do any of that since I wasn’t a real cop. My job was to help Chloe figure out who the culprit was based on the evidence she had collected.

I picked up a random case from the box and opened the file. Chloe briefed me as she saw what case I was holding. “The burglary occurred two months ago, and we still haven't had a suspect. Witnesses only saw a few masked men break into the laundromat and leave in a plateless white van.”

“Is there any surveillance footage?” I asked while reading the case files.

Chloe shook her head. “No. This one’s a lost cause.”

“Did they take anything other than money?” I inquired again.

“No,” Chloe replied, disappointment evident in her voice.

“Hmmm…” I opened my laptop and turned to Chloe. “Close your eyes for a second.”

“Why?” she asked, confused.

“Well, it’s not exactly legal for me to access the traffic network.”

“We have access,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“Ah, that makes my job easier,” I chuckled.

I wrote an algorithm to find all the white vans that left the area where the burglary happened at the time of the incident. A total of 15 similar vans were filtered out by the algorithm.

Fourteen of them had license plates, but one did not. When I followed the route of the van, it made a stop at a gas station five miles out of the area, and one of the suspects went inside.

“We got a lead,” Chloe said with excitement. I turned to her, confused. “This is just a forensics job; why haven’t they found anything?”

“They took only $800, just below California’s $950 threshold for felony charges, so people don’t really bother. But their M.O. (Modus Operandi) reminds me of several cases I’ve read, so they might be repeat offenders,” Chloe explained.

“Wait, let me check something.” She suddenly called another detective as an idea struck her. “Yeah, it checked out. The gas station was also robbed that night—under $800 too. They held the store at gunpoint and stole from the cash register.”

I nodded in understanding. “Alright, is there any footage from that place?”

After a while, we identified a suspect from a tattoo that was exposed when the suspect was robbing the gas station. It wasn’t particularly unique, but as I reviewed the surveillance footage leading up to the crime to see if anyone had canvassed the store, I spotted someone with a similar tattoo. From the plate number of the car he was using, we found a name.

“David Swimmer,” Chloe muttered.

“Ross?” I replied, shocked.

“Swimmer, not Schwimmer,” Chloe corrected me. “Right now, we don’t have any conclusive evidence that he did it. He could just be an ordinary guy—”

Before Chloe could finish her words, I pulled up the guy’s Instagram page and checked his stories from two months ago. To my astonishment, he had filmed the crime he committed and posted it on his stories. It was sheer dumb luck that we managed to solve the case.

Chloe’s eyes widened in shock, then she became elated. “It is him!”

“And we found all of his other friends too,” I said with satisfaction. The gang was all there, making the investigation easier.

 Suddenly, I turned to Chloe, confusion etched on my face. “Hey, it took me longer than I thought. Why aren’t there any more cases like the ones I solved at the police station before?”

As I wanted to win the bet, I was curious why I was stuck with this cold case from two months ago. Chloe looked helpless and said, “Sorry, the captain only allowed me to take cold cases with me.”

“Damn that fatso!” I cursed out loud.