WIAFTTTTA - Extras - Does Anybody Like Christmas Episodes? (Patreon)

Author’s note: Happy Holidays everyone! You are the best readers ever!

If you’re wondering, I actually do like Christmas episodes... mostly when they’re well done. The South Park ones are my favorite and I used to watch them every year. But I know that not everyone appreciates Christmas episodes for a good reason. Either, they’re poorly told, they don’t work in-universe, or any number of other reasons. Since my story has readers from around the world (some being from places where they don’t celebrate) I wasn’t going to do one. But then I got an idea and I couldn’t help myself.

Since I didn’t want it to take up too much of my writing time I wrote it very fast so, hopefully it’s at least humorous and satirical enough for you to forgive me for not having a chapter out on the 22nd.

Extra story time: Back when I played D&D in person we would get together around this time of year and have a Christmas one-shot. Basically, the D&D version of Santa came along and took us on a magical adventure... One time it actually ended with a TPK against a white dragon, ending a 3-4 year old campaign. Though I still think that my character survived since my wizard was flying and invisible. >.<’

Anyway, here is the dark-mode-style Google Doc Link for those who don’t wish to read on Patreon: Link

Does Anybody Like Christmas Episodes?

What the fuck? I’d just been killed thanks to that bastard Bloodsword and landed inside an oversized European-style office with wood walls and ancient forging tools. A giant-ass old man’s head wearing a high-quality red Christmas hat loomed above me. Solemn brown looked directly into mine. “I’m sorry to interrupt your journey, Little Fairy Lin,” the man said in English, “but we need your help.”

Seriously, what the actual fuck? Was this my inner demon tribulation or had I really died back there during my  Immortal Ascension tribulation? I knew I’d gotten caught up in a tear in time and space after my body was destroyed, but this shit...

I stared down at my hands that looked like a doll’s. No. They looked like the hands of those collectable, waifu-looking figurines. My hair and even my white and blue robes were plastic. Though still, they floated majestically around me. When I turned my head or punched the air, they stiffly moved with me.

How the fuck had I become a toy?!

“You’ve got to be sugar-plum-plucking kidding me.” I paused; I had meant to say ‘fucking’.

The old man looked at me sadly. “Little Fairy Lin. Good boys and girls don’t say naughty words.”

I placed my plastic hands on my plastic hips. “Preventing people from saying certain words is a way to control them. I refuse to be controlled like that. Especially after I was transmigrated into a bad-cookie harem, Xianxia against my will. And now I’ve been kidnapped to wherever the ever-loving warm-hug this is—”

“The North Pole.”

“—without my permission! There’s no reason I should... Wait! Did you say the ‘North Pole’? On Earth? Early twenty-first century?”

“Around then.”

I sighed. “But this obviously isn’t my original Earth.”

“Afraid not.”

This guy wasn’t just some random old man. I cleared my throat, put my little plastic arms together, and bowed. “Greetings, Old Saint Nick. I suppose I can hear you out.”

He beamed.

“Do you want me to help you spread the meaning of Christmas or something in exchange for sending me back to my Xianxia universe?” While I hadn’t originally come from there, after spending 1000 years there, I’d adopted the universe as my home, regardless of how fucking stupid its harem-setting could be.

“Things are a little more complicated than that, I’m afraid. I’ll only have enough power to send you back on your journey after you help me save the world.”

Oh, great. I was in some alternate universe’s goddamn Christmas episode, wasn’t I? Who even fucking liked those? From my limited memory of my past life, they always seemed out of place and never helped move the actual plot along. Those stories also rarely touched on meaningful character development; they were bottle episodes that could be completely ignored. In fact, I’d say poorly written Christmas episodes were almost as bad as the harem sub-genre. But boring was, at least, better than disgusting.

Well, whatever. At least he could send me back. Then I could get my revenge on that asshole Bloodsword! Muahahaha! This time, I was really going to kill the donkey brained motherfucker. Maybe stab him a million times right in his left eye.

Saint Nick looked at me with obvious worry on his face.

I crossed my plastic arms. “What do you need my help with?”

Nick stood up, and I could finally see his classic white shirt and suspenders. He picked up a large, and a doll sized mug, placing them near me. “The internet has done something terrible.”

“I mean, it is the internet.”

“More so than usual.” He grabbed an electric kettle that started steaming in the corner of a room and poured hot chocolate into the mugs. “There has been a decrease in children believing in me due to lies being spread around—”

“Again, it’s the internet.” When aren’t lies being spread through there?

“—lies that it’s the children’s parents that are giving them the gifts from me.”

Oh, no... It’s a cliché Christmas episode plot. “So you need me to help you show children that you really exist? Maybe by filming you or something?” Though that wasn’t really in my purview.

He poured a tiny mug filled with hot cocoa and handed it to me. “Sadly, once they believe in the lie, it’s hard to get them to see the truth again.”

He had a point.

“Then what are we going to do?”

“Well, Little Fairy Lin, the issue is that I gain Christmas Magic from their belief.”

“And you need that energy to slow time so you can go to every house around the world?” I stared down at the hot cocoa. There was no way this plastic body could consume this... right? But then why would Saint Nick give it to me?

“Exactly.”

“Then am I here to forge your new sled that can ease your burden? Or make you a better holding pouch?”

“My elves did their best with mine. I couldn’t ask for anything better crafted.”

Oh, come on! We needed to get this episode rolling so I could go home and murder Bloodsword’s ass for good. Nothing would stop me this time. Hell, I was so angry at his dumb ass that if I met him as a baby, I might strangle him to death. “Then why am I here?”

“I’m getting to that.” He sighed. “What I use my Christmas Magic for the most isn’t slowing time, or discovering if children are naughty or nice. It’s protecting this mostly peaceful world from nightmares.”

“I’m pretty sure everyone gets nightmares here. They’re harmless.”

“Sadly, I don’t mean those kinds of nightmares.”

I decided to go for it and take a sip of my hot cocoa, just in case I could drink it.

As my first taste of hot chocolate in a thousand years spread through my little mouth, a yellow rift in space appeared in front of me. Saint Nick stretched out his finger and tapped it. The rift crackled as it vanished.

I spat out my drink, then coughed.

The old man handed me a tiny plaid handkerchief, which I used to wipe my little plastic face.

“Are we... in a hunter/gate world?” I’d read about those in my past life.

“I’m not sure what that is—”

“Like Solo Leveling.”

“—but these are gates to a dangerous world with nightmarish monsters. The people in this world aren’t ready for a disaster like that. Not yet, anyway.”

So, Saint Nick was preventing the Gate Apocalypse in this universe. And here I thought this was going to be a cliche Christmas story. But there was a problem.

“How do you expect me to help you with these gates while I’m in this toy body?”

“Hold on. I’ll get to that in a second.” He took a sip of his coco then tapped another glowing rift out of existence. “For one 24-hour period, I need all my Christmas Magic to help me give presents to all the nice girls and boys. Their belief will give me the magic to keep this world protected for another year. But I don’t have enough right now to simultaneously deliver presents, and remove these pesky rifts. So, Fairy Lin, can you help Santa?”

I scowled. “The only person who wouldn’t help you, after saying all that, is an inhuman monster. That said, I don’t know how I can help you.”

He patted my plastic head. “I knew you’d agree. After all, the Miss Lin from this world was always on the ‘Nice List’ when she was a little girl.”

“Well, I’m not that nice of a person. I’m a selfish and mean individual. Downright cruel and dismissive, at times. But I am certainly a genius. And I think you need that, right now.”

His rosy cheeks brightened as he laughed. “Ho ho ho!”

“Now, down to business. How am I, as a toy, going to help get rid of these rifts so I can go home?”

“Follow me.” He held out his palm.

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I jumped off my plastic base filled with butterflies and clouds and onto his calloused hand. He gently carried me from his office to a large workroom, where short elves wrapped gifts of all sizes. Some were done with precision while others were hastily put together, but each had “From Santa” on the tag. As he passed the elves, he called each by their name and greeted them jovially. They either sent a quick wave or replied with the enthusiasm of a sport’s fan. This continued until we left the workshop where I found a large array of snow topped candy canes in the massive icy yard.

“Part of why I set up shop here was to build a Magic Engine for teleporting rifts. That way, I could keep them from opening.”

“We call this a formation where I’m from.”

“It turns on when a rift appears and teleports it here so I can take care of it. Since I’m the owner, they appear near me so I can quickly take care of it, but on Christmas Eve I won’t be here. And my friends and family aren’t strong enough to remove them from where they’ll appear in the yard. I need to count on you and your immortal techniques.”

I put my hands on my hips. “If I had my internal Qi, I’d be able to help you, but I’m in the body of a ridiculous figurine. At most, I can use my divine sense!”

He flourished his hand and presented a familiar golden ring with a sapphire stone glittering in its center.

“My spatial ring!” I grabbed it and clutched it to my plastic chest. Considering that I was in a different universe, this contained everything I owned.

“While I have little magic to spare, I was still able to recover this ring for you. I think you’ll need it.”

Using my divine sense, I quickly glanced through everything I had left after going through my tribulation. I sighed. “I don’t have any ingredients to make a new body. Reindeer-tracks, I must have really left the last set of ingredients in my secret immortal cave.”

Santa chuckled. “Little Fairy Lin. Your toy body might be small, but it is filled with Christmas Magic. How else could you move around so naturally?”

I narrowed my eyes at the old man. “If I can move around like my actual body… then that means I can cultivate?”

He nodded.

“How much time before Christmas Eve?”

“Ten months.”

I did some quick calculations. “It may take every heavenly treasure and spirit stone I have, but I think that’s just enough time to reach the Immortal Bone Creation realm. That should give me enough strength to remove rifts like these.”

I placed my ring on my head like a crown and pointed back to the workshop. “Bring me somewhere I can cultivate. I’m going to save this world!” And get the fuck out of this Christmas episode.

***

Ten Months Later...

After exchanging a significant portion of my worldly possessions for a cultivation level of Immortal Bone Creation, I stepped out of the toy immortal cave that an adorable elf named Joey made for me. While I was still the same size as that ridiculous figurine, I at least looked human instead of plastic. But the important thing was that my new cultivation method had worked better than I’d suspected! Or maybe it was this toy body filled with magic that helped. I wasn’t sure what kind of energy Christmas Magic was, but it certainly lived up to the hype.

Joey ran up to me. “Fairy Lin! Santa’s getting ready to ride out soon. I’ll take you to him!”

I grinned. “No need.”

I located Old Saint Nick with a quick scan of my divine sense, and then stepped onto thin air. The earthly law of gravity bent to my cultivation and I stood in place.

Good. Even if this was a different universe, some things still stayed the same. Maybe that meant this rift-dungeon universe had a connection to a cultivation world. If I remembered correctly, that was a popular story line.

In a flash, I flew outside to where he and his elves busily harnessed the reindeer.

Mrs. Claus walked over, handed her husband a mug of coco, before kissing him on the cheek. Then she hurriedly dashed back inside, leaving the whole snow-covered yard smelling like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. A warm scent I hadn’t experienced in over a thousand years.

I clasped my hands behind my back like the toy immortal master I was. “Greetings, Old Saint Nick.”

He turned to me, a wide smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. “You made it just in time!”

“Of course I did! I may not be kind, but I’m good at what I do. Muahahaha!”

“Speaking of that, why don’t you practice on one of these pesky rifts?”

He pointed to one that started from a thin yellow line and expanded to a me-sized door.

I examined the mini-gate with my divine sense. It emitted a foreign energy that differed from Christmas Magic and Qi. But it had natural laws as everything did. At the Immortal Bone Creation realm, I could sense earthly laws, and — like I had with gravity — bend them to my will.

I could also attack them.

Earlier, I had shrunk my ring down to fit on my new figurine-sized finger. I pulled out my masterwork sword and used my spiritual energy to make it hover in midair.

Before I risked attacking the gate with my earthly laws, I would use my most confident technique first — a sword strike.

“Fairy Lin...”

“Quiet, I’m concentrating.”

Right there! I attacked the earthy laws of space that made up part of the rift.

As soon as my sword touched the yellow glow, a loud crackle filled the air. Both the rift and my sword vanished.

“...”

Motherfucker! That was my favorite sword! How many decades had I spent forging it? This was unacceptable!

If my body wasn’t that of a figurine, I was positive a vein would bulge on my forehead.

Wait, was my precious sword going to become the protagonist of this world’s prized weapon in the future? God damn it. I loved that fucking sword, too! It was close to gaining an item spirit.

I scowled and turned my glare towards Santa. He patted my head.

“I had been trying to warn you not to touch the rift. Items could sometimes get pulled in.”

“Then I’ll have to find another way to close them.” It wasn’t like I could throw my entire arsenal at them. Though I certainly had quite a few practice swords and instruments, I’d forged while getting the hang of advanced techniques. But they were barely usable. Not even worth reforging.

A few minutes later, another rift appeared. This time, I didn’t trust the crack in space at all. But I also needed to get close to it since I was only in Immortal Bone Creation. If I’d been in Immortal Ascension, I could remove these without lifting a finger. As I was, if my toy body moved too far away, my attacks against the laws holding the rift together wouldn’t be effective. At least not for something as complex and universe-breaking as this.

“You’ll have to close the rifts before they get too big.” Saint Nick touched the hovering yellow crack, closing it. “If they get too large, they’ll open. Then monsters will invade, and you’ll have to fight them off. We can’t let any of those nightmares harm a child.”

“Of course. I won’t let them harm children.” I wasn’t a goddamn demonic cultivator.

“Preferably, you won’t let them harm anyone.”

Joey walked over to me. “Actually. If you can’t touch it with your hands and you don’t have enough weapons, we happen to have a whole yard filled with broken toys you could use. They might not be much to look at, but they have a bit of Christmas Magic in them.”

Frankly, if I thought about this logically, the toys wouldn’t be of any help... However, this was a Christmas Episode, and I was inside a ridiculous toy. Logic dropped off the flying sword months ago.

“Bring me some to test out.”

The elf beamed, then scampered off.

The first toys he brought over were several curved plastic baseball bats. They were yellow and had partially melted in the sun. Were these things from the 80s or something? Whatever.

I entered the Regardless of Whatever the Fuck I Used, I Will Force It To Be My Sword mindset. It was only slightly different from the other mindsets because it had a certain amount of ‘Not Giving a Fuck’ that I needed right now.

As soon as a rift appeared, I sent my plastic bat toward it filled with the energy to twist its spatial laws. The power used was so intense that it dug a line through the snow as it traveled the short distance. The toy smashed into the rift, causing a loud bonk to echo through the yard. Both bat and gate vanished.

“By the way, Fairy Lin,” Old Saint Nick said while glancing down at the massive slice I’d created. “I hope you can keep the collateral damage to a minimum. I’d be terribly sad if I came home to see my workshop in ruins.”

“Not to mention, I’ll give you an earful if my kitchen gets destroyed,” Mrs. Claus called from the doorway.

Goddamn it.

I crossed my little arms. “Fine. I’ll do my best to only use as much energy as necessary. But no promises that your yard won’t get trashed. My energy is different from this world’s magic. And the toys I’m using here aren’t exactly Black Quality weapons.”

He beamed at me. “I know you can do it.”

A short elf with a tablet device walked over in a hurry. “Hurry Santa, it’s time!”

The jolly old man put on his fuzzy red jacket and classic hat.

“How’s the weather coming out of the Pacific?”

“Rough. But we’ve got Rudolph out in front.”

He hopped onto his large red slay before naming each reindeer and taking off.

As if he’d sent a secret sound transmission, I heard him say, “Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!” before his slay seemed to elongate for a moment as it bent the rules of time and space. Then it vanished into a twinkle.

“Rift! Rift!” Joey pointed to a little crack that appeared fifty yards in front of me.

I took a single step in midair to arrive near it before sending another plastic baseball bat flying. This time I’d adjusted the energy I used, so it only left a small mark on the ice and snow.

Several elves started partying, while others seemed to focus on relaying various pieces of information to Santa.

Several others gathered around Joey and helped him build a pile of old and broken toys. By the time I’d used the last of the baseball bats, it had grown to an alarming height.

I scowled. “Just how many of these rifts do you think I’ll have to remove today?”

“Well, as the night goes on, without Santa around, there will probably be...” He counted on his fingers.

An elf I recognised as Julia walked over with a teddy bear that had definitely been used as a chew toy. She tossed it onto the pile and clapped dust off her hands. “I’d say a few thousand tonight.”

Without thinking much, I tossed a cleaning technique onto the pile of toys. While they were still broken, they ended up shining and clean. A few of the drunk elves looked at the shimmery pile with wide eyes.

I did some quick math. “That’s 125 an hour or two a minute.”

“Well, it starts off slow. By the end of the night, you might end up needing to take care of three or four each minute.”

I assumed that was the amount of gates that would spawn across the entire world in a single day. It almost made me feel sorry for the people of this universe.

With a wave of my hand, I pulled all the toys into my ring.

“Time to kick some rift sugar cookies.” I scowled. Damn it, I meant to say ass.

***

A few hours in and I was working nonstop, sending out toy after toy into the rifts that kept appearing.

A few elves who had a little too much of Santa’s eggnog stumbled over. “Thank you for helping us!”

“Merry Christmas, Fairy Lin.”

I took out two rifts at once. “Bah humbug.”

“Fairy Lin, where is your Christmas Spirit?” Joey asked.

“It died a thousand years ago when I transmigrated into a cliche harem novel.”

“...” The little elves started tearing up.

They started whispering to each other. “I think we need to bring out the big guns.”

“Your big guns will just get in my way.”

They pouted and the most eggnog-filled elves moved along.

***

Oddly, as I kept taking care of rifts by countering their law of space, I started to comprehend something intrinsically attached to it: the earthly law of time.

The concepts flowed freely within my mind. It seemed like I could touch the law itself if I pushed a little harder.

“Fairy Lin! One of the rifts is a quick expansion type! Hurry.”

Fuck!

Before I could reach it, troll-like monsters burst out of the gate, trampling all over the snowy yard.

With a few hand seals, illusory stars appeared behind me, then shot out. They slammed into each of the trolls’ heads.

I heard gasps. The partying elves all looked horrified.

“I did warn you all that I’m not a kind person.”

With a wave of my hand, I threw the bodies back into the gate and used a toy train that had two missing wheels to close it back up.

I turned back to my seemingly never-ending task.

“Thank you for saving us, Fairy Lin!” the little elves said.

“You’re amazing, Fairy Lin!”

“Wooohooo!”

Cheers rang out behind me.

Goddamn it. Why were these guys so cute?

***

The 24 hours of Christmas Eve were almost over. I barely had time to think between each rift. Worse, I was running out of toys.

“Are you sure there’s no more?”

Joey, with his hands on his knees, breathed harshly before swallowing. “No more. We’re out.”

“What about in the workshop? Surely you can make some?”

He scowled. “Out means we’re out. This is Christmas Eve. There aren’t even supplies to make more toys.”

I sighed and took out seven more rifts using individual glue-covered Lego pieces that I’d had to separate. I was really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

I couldn’t risk touching them like Santa could since my body, though I looked human now, was still technically a toy. And I’d seen what these rifts did to toys.

“Then there’s only one last option.”

I began using the items inside my ring. Grabbing each of my failed swords, I took out ten more rifts.

With a wave of my hand, I pulled out my old practice zithers, guitars, basses, keyboards, and drum sets. Fuck it. I could always make more.

Heartlessly, I used each one to close a gate. Once they were gone, I pulled out the few pills I had left. There weren’t many since I’d used most of them in my Immortal Ascension tribulation. I used each one to close another 30 gates.

But they kept coming. I gritted my teeth and pulled out the various cauldrons I’d used throughout my life that I hadn’t given away to promising students. I used each one to close more cracks.

It didn’t matter. As long as I could get back home, I could make more. I had stashes of things everywhere. Things were never as important as lives.

“Fairy Lin!” Julia ran up along with a few more elves. “My friends and family gathered our tools. We use them to make toys each year so they have plenty of Christmas Magic. Please use them. We can make more.”

Damn it.

I gathered their tools into my ring. “How much more time?”

“Santa will be back in half an hour. Just hold out until then!”

“Of course I will. Who am I?”

“Fairy Lin!”

“That’s right. Never forget that.” Muahahaha!

I could tell that the tools they gave me had been used for centuries. Most of them were family heirlooms. But I needed these things, so they gave them up. To save the world. And for the children.

Fine. If these little guys could do it, I could too.

I used their tools like disposable talismans. Then I used my own. I, too, was an ancient master of forging. Tools could also be replaced.

In went my hammers and molds. My weapon forging cauldrons. My immortal boat, my flying swords, everything until my entire several-li-long space was empty. I wish I’d been more of a hoarder. Or that I hadn’t left so much shit in caches around the world.

But, because of those caches, I could confidently throw everything away.

All I had left was my spatial ring. I hesitated for a moment. This was a master craft item I’d spent a lot of time forging. I’d been so proud of myself when I finished creating it. If there was anything I’d regret using, it would be this one ring.

But rifts still opened to my left and right, and the old man wouldn’t return for about ten more minutes.

“Here, take these!” Mrs. Claus came out carrying an armful of plates and mugs. Several elves followed behind her, with more dishes. “These old things should have enough magic in them to help.”

The plates and mugs were part of a set. They were the same ones I’d seen Saint Nick use regularly. There was even the tiny mug I’d used when I had my first hot chocolate in a thousand years.

Fuck. I’d forgotten what kindness and generosity were like. What selflessness was. How people could come together and give away important beloved things just to help others who needed them. In the dumbass harem universe, I’d become accustomed to, everyone was out for themselves. It seemed like everyone — especially Bloodsword — would rather kill or die than allow someone to take what was theirs. How long had it been since I’d seen really kind people?

Goddamn it. I wasn’t crying. Mrs. Claus was crying.

With a flourish of two fingers, I pulled the dishes into my ring. I used each one to close the last gates just before Santa’s sled came flying back down, slay bells ringing.

***

“I almost want to stay here a little longer,” I said as Old Saint Nick ushered me into his office — which looked a lot emptier after the elves scoured it for tools so I could take care of the gates.

He shook his head. “I’m afraid I’ve kept you from your journey for far too long already.”

I sighed.

“But I do have one gift to give you.”

“I don’t need a gift. Just send me back somewhere safe. Preferably, by one of my caches so I can create a new body.”

He chuckled. “Well, I was thinking of talking to you about... what do you call it? The ‘Earthly Law of Time and Space’.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Alright. Let’s discuss.”

***

“Hah! That is good! I’d never thought about it like that. If I were back home, I might have called down an epiphany!”

“Are you happy with your gift?”

“Very! Thank you, Santa.”

He paused and went to grab his electric kettle, but it had vanished. Ah, I think that had been part of the dish set.

The old man smiled sheepishly. “I do have some bad news for you.”

“What?”

“Unfortunately, you won’t remember any of this once you return.”

I scowled. “Then what about my Christmas gift?”

“That’s information you’ll regain once you reach Immortal Bone Creation again. The laws in your adopted universe are terribly strict.”

“Then the things I experienced here won’t affect me once I get back?”

He smiled. “Oh, I think they might affect you in ways you won’t even realize. And who knows? Maybe, if you become a god in that universe, you’ll remember.” He tapped the side of his nose.

I hated the idea of not remembering something. But, I guess I’d just have to reach godhood. That didn’t sound too hard. I was a genius, after all.

And maybe I wouldn’t murder that fucker, Bloodsword, and his braindead wives. Messing with the universe’s favorite was always a bad idea, after all. While I may never be satisfied, I could certainly gain my revenge by being happy. By doing what I want. For example: not being a complete shit of a person just because I lived in a fucked up world.

“This world owes you a great debt, Fairy Lin. Thank you and Merry Christmas.”

I grinned. “Merry Christmas to you, too, Santa. And have a Happy New Year!”

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