Story 9 - Nothing Bad Ever Happens at the Alchemy Convention (Part 1) (Patreon)

A pile of jade slips fell off Junior Sect Leader Unyielding Firestorm’s small writing desk, half burying him. He ran his hand through his perfect hair, causing it to become messed up. His desperate eyes locked onto me like he was grasping at any lifeline.

“Great Aunt Lin… can’t… can’t you... not go?”

“I’m leaving as soon as we’re done here.”

His superhero-looking smile strained to stay in place. “We need you here.”

I crossed my arms and glared at him. For the past year, I’d been working my ass off teaching this usually intelligent young man the Dao of Paperwork and making sure the sect ran smoothly. Basically, being hyper-aware all the fucking time. While a healthy work-life balance was only good for kids and mortals, I still wanted to go on a fucking vacation. And what could possibly be a better vacation than an alchemy convention?

Besides... “They asked me to give a lecture and promised me a high-tier spirit stone for every alchemist who sits in on my lecture. A High. Tier. Spirit. Stone.” I rested my palms on the only two clear spots on his desk and leaned over him. “With the sect’s current finances, you won’t be able to compensate me.”

The fight against the demonic cultivators hurt some promising disciples and killed others. It was horrible. But what affected the sect the most was the lasting damage those ant-fucking life-stealers did to our infrastructure. Their wanton destruction required a significant portion of our savings to repair, leaving us scrambling to tighten our yearly budgets.

Unyielding slumped over his desk, causing the pile of jade slips to spill around him.

Maybe I’d been too hard on the young man. But, like fuck, would I let that stop me from going.

“Look. The Con only lasts two weeks. You can manage without me for that long.”

He grimaced. “Master gave you a lot of resources for someone in your realm. I’d always thought he was respecting you as his Martial Aunt. If only I realized earlier that it was because you handle a quarter of these documents by yourself...”

In reality, I could take on more than that, but I needed time to teach Little Spring every day, work on my alchemy and forge new tools. Recently, I’d even decided to teach the kid more about my original world and created a guitar to play some of my favorite songs.

“Aunt Lin, if you leave for that convention, I’ll die from overwork!”

“Don’t be dramatic. You got this!” I stood up straight and clasped my hands behind my back. “If you’re having trouble, you just need to rely on the Dao of Paperwork. Specifically, the part where you develop a sense of delegation.”

“Please don’t go!”

“Just give everyone 25% more slips.”

“They’ll riot.”

“30%.”

“Are you trying to get me killed?”

I grinned evilly.

He looked towards the room Early Rise Swift Brush worked in. “I can’t do that to those sweet-overworked clerks. They will murder me.”

“They can’t murder you if they don’t have time.”

His eyes widened with horror.

“30% then rotate them so they’ll have two full days off every week.”

He opened his mouth as if to protest, then closed it. “That… might do it.”

“Tell them that if they’re able to finish their work early, they can leave early too.”

Finally, he didn’t look as desperate. “I think that will work during the two weeks you’re gone. But I doubt we’ll last longer than that.”

“You should have more confidence in yourself! You’re well on your way to becoming a master of the Dao of Paperwork.”

He glared. “Don’t joke with me about that. Senior Early Rise Swift Brush is already developing ways to use his Dao to physically fight others. The other day he accidentally gave me a paper cut! With a jade slip!” He leaned in. “I even heard him muttering about filing with the heavens for a tribulation with decreased difficulty.”

I chuckled. “Ah, that one was a joke I told him.”

“Well, he’s taking it seriously!”

I waved it off. “Let him do what he wants.” There was no way that would actually happen.

“Senior Lin!” A voice transmission came from the Peak Master of Alchemy Peak, Enduring Flame. “We’re already late for the convention. Will you and the junior sect leader finish soon?”

“I’ll be on my way shortly.”

::Sister Lin!:: Little Spring sent me a telepathic message. ::The alchemists here are getting desperate. They’ve started glaring at you through me.::

::Relax. It won’t kill them to wait. Besides, we’re the Indomitable Will Sect. Nobody would dare ridicule us over being late. Muahahaha!.::

There were perks to being in the best sect on the continent.

I turned to Unyielding Firestorm. “I have to leave right away.”

The junior sect leader nodded seriously. “Please come back early if you can. I don’t know how long we’ll be able to last without you. And stay safe.”

I smirked. “Don’t worry. The Alchemy Convention is filled with cultivators in higher realms.”

“That’s what I’m worried about.”

I continued as if I hadn’t heard him. “Only those seeking death would dare start something over there.”

He looked exasperated. “Aunt Lin, you can walk upside down or sideways in the sect, but when you’re at the Convention, please only do that with Peak Master Enduring Flame. If you anger enough Immortal Bone Creation level alchemists, they will kill you, starting a war with us!”

Aww. He’d start a war for me. What a good junior.

“Do you really think I’d upset cultivators that powerful? Have more faith in your Great Martial Aunt!”

He looked at me, his expression overwhelmed with exhaustion.

I raised both of my eyebrows back.

He pointed to his face. “How does my skin look?”

“Very healthy. Like you’ve scrubbed recently.”

The tension in his eyes increased.

“And when was the last time you used your cleaning technique?”

Let’s see. I came into the room to tell him I was leaving. There were some specs of dust on the table that needed removal... “Not too long agooooooooh.” I paused, considered where he was going with this, then waved his concerns away. “I’ll be careful while I’m there.”

Nothing was going to stop me from taking my paid vacation, damn it!

“Fine. Go. But I’ll ask Great Uncle Little Spring to stop you from using that technique in a crowd.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’d never use my cleaning technique like that… not unless someone horribly disgusting came near me. And at that point, they’ll thank me for helping them.”

“This is worse than I thought.” His eyes widened in horror as if he were seeing the worst-case scenario of me cleaning an Immortal Bone Creation expert and getting flattened. As if a cultivator that strong didn’t have ways to stop my spell from reaching them if they wanted.

Whatever! “I’m going. I’ll see you in two weeks. Worry about your own condition first. The sect can’t afford you collapsing from overwork.”

***

When I arrived at the teleportation platform, a small trio of cultivators dressed in the official blue and white sect uniform secretly glared at me. I ignored them for now.

Little Spring walked over. This ten-year-old brat had grown like a weed in the past year. Well, he was almost 11. If he were a kid in my original world, he’d be starting middle school in some places. “Sister Lin! You’re here.” He gave me a super bright grin.

Ack! His smile was too fucking sparkly this early in the morning. If this universe was the manhua version, he’d be covered in shiny effects… Maybe I should invent sunglasses? This near-blinding gleam had to be part of his protagonist halo or something. Fuck.

It seemed like every year that passed, this kid became more and more adorable. That had started to irritate me recently.

Fortunately, as he went through puberty, that adorableness would turn into general-good-looking-ness. From first-hand experience, I knew his handsome face wouldn’t blind me with cute-sparkles. After all, his body was basically the same as his past-life’s, so his face wouldn’t change much.

That said, this brat’s future continued to change. After all, this Little Spring was a completely different soul thanks to my intervention. As long as nothing really terrible happened, I knew I could help him grow into someone with a solid foundation both in cultivation and as a decent person… for a cultivator.

Of course, I didn’t trust this world to develop how I wanted it. Which meant that I had to be constantly on my toes. To do that, I had cranked my paranoia up to 11. This had allowed us to avoid several precarious situations; however, as a side effect, my nerves were completely on edge. But I should finally be able to relax once we reached the Alchemy Convention. Because nothing bad ever happened there. It was just fun, business, and alchemy.

“How did your lesson with Chef Garlic go?”

He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “I was too excited, so I ended up not paying attention...”

“She threw you out early, didn’t she?”

He chuckled awkwardly. “I went to see Spear that Weaves and Junior Clear Eyes Mad Tongue.”

I frowned. “Are they still preparing for that long-term sect mission I warned them not to go on?”

The kid winced. “They’ve planned to head out in a month with a large group they put together.”

I pursed my lips. In my past life, everyone who went on that mission died. They eventually gave it to a group of golden core cultivators who succeeded, but that didn’t happen until a decade later.

Those two were basically alive because I changed the timeline. While their lives were their own responsibility, I couldn’t let them waste it by doing something stupid. Fortunately, I still had two weeks after I returned to get those two brats to quit the mission. I’d have enough time after this vacation.

Peak Master Enduring Flame wore his strange flames like accessories. He smiled excitedly and walked over. “Martial Aunt Lin, you’re finally here!”

I nodded. “Who did you decide to bring with us?”

He gestured to a bald, middle-aged-looking man with a formation compass and a realm in Nascent Soul.

The Bald cultivator hid his irritation and bowed. “Formation Grandmaster Four Directions Eagle, greets Great Martial Aunt Lin.”

Oh! I remembered him. This guy made it all the way to Immortal Bone Creation. His skills were excellent.

“While we’re on this mission, just call me Senior Lin.”

He nodded. “I set up this teleportation array and had a colleague double-check my work so we’re all good to go and we can leave at any time.”

That may have been a hint to get on with it, but it wasn’t like we were off to cure the plague. “Are you also setting up our return formation?”

“As soon as we arrive. They want it up quickly for any emergencies.”

And that was the kind of comforting over-preparedness that was the hallmark of the Con.

Peak Master Enduring Flame grimaced. “They keep changing locations so we can never set up a platform.”

I remembered that. They did that for security reasons, but it was still fucking annoying. Eventually, the Alchemy convention would change locations to some place where the larger sects could create platforms nearby. But that wouldn’t be for another few hundred years.

Then he gestured to the group of girls throwing shade my way.

They politely introduced themselves as Magnificent Moon, Emerald Pine and Radiant Skies. Each of them were promising young alchemists in Golden Core and were going to the Con for the first time. They had to be beyond excited. My delay must have irritated the shit out of them.

I should work to correct their attitude but I would magnanimously let it go for now so we could fucking leave.

Also, it wasn’t like they would do anything to me since I was their Great Martial Aunt— even if I was both younger and in a realm below them.

At least I was taller than their short shade-throwing asses.

During the past year, I’d grown a couple of inches thanks to the body cultivation meals Little Spring had prepared. After using all the kiwis we earned from the Demonic Vine Mission, I neared my past life’s adult height.

And speaking of that mission, someone familiar was coming along.

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Author’s Note: Thank you all for reading! You are the best readers a writer could ask for!

I thought this part would be smaller since it started out at 1300 words but I ended up expanding it to a full-size chapter. 😅 I may have to change a few minor things once I get this story to my content editor but it won't change that much.

My boy has been waking up an hour earlier than usual... well, if we consider daylight savings time it’s technically two hours earlier. It’s really killing me. I spent most of last week exhausted, so I wrote over 5k words so far...

Usually, I wouldn’t post a chapter until after the entire story is finished, but I promised you all a chapter this week and I’m not going back on that promise. Besides, this is some of the funniest shit I’ve written in a while, and I wanted to share. I’m focused on making this story as comedic as I can while having it stay true to its lightly satirical Xianxia bones.

That said, April Fool's day is coming up! Sadly, my time and energy are limited. I can either edit a chapter for you all next week or write a short April Fools Story 2 (this would be a continuation of the mech story). I’ll post a poll for you all so please be sure to vote for what you’d like to see next week.

Age Comparison - 1 year of growth and body cultivation — or, Elementary to Middle school.