'Twas the Night Before the Duel (Patreon)

Hi everyone!

This isn't a post for WIAFTTTTA but I have something I wanted to share.

I wrote a fun short story about an adventurer that speaks in rhymes and his good friend who is tired of his shit. For this short story, he uses the classic 'Twas the Night Before Christmas as its base (though it has nothing to do with Christmas). It's fun, short, and dumb. I wasn't sure where I should post it but since this is the holiday season I figure some of you might be interested in reading it.

“‘Twas the night before the duel; I prep’d my sword for the fight," Jim said. “Not a monster was stirring, not even a wight."

Steve groaned. "Stop it. Please."

"The gauntlets were hung by the chimney with care. In hopes that they dried out before I fought that bear.”

"Don't do that. Do you know how hot those will get?"

"The adventurers were nestled snug in their beds." Jim sent Steve a look.

"Fine, I get it." He marched over to his bed and threw himself onto it.

"While visions of dragon hoards shimmered in their heads."

"You do realize how scary dragons are, right?"

"The barmaid in her nightie and I in my shirt..."

"I know where you're going with this but no."

"Had just settled down to talk about her skirt."

"See, I knew you'd say that. She's not even here."

Crash!

The two turned their heads toward their shuttered window. Jim grabbed his sword.

"When out in the stables, there arose such a clatter.

"I sprang from my cot to see what was the matter."

"Damnit, Jim! I'm coming too." Steve ran towards their door and unlocked it.

"Away to the window, I flew like a flash."

Just as he’d thrown open their door, he turned to see Jim by the window.

"I tore open the shutters and jumped onto the graaaaaaaaaassssss!"

"Fuck!"

After Jim stood up from his fall, he unsheathed his sword and stumbled towards the stables.

The doors creaked when they opened. The smell of blood wafted through the air. A tall man stepped out.

"The moon on the chest of the new adventurer's mail—

“Gave luster of midday to the man's half-broken flail."

Steve, who had taken the stairs, came barreling out of the inn. He ran right up to Jim who was slowly stepping back from the blood-covered warrior.

"And what to my wondering eyes should appear,

“But my good friend Steve and his super vicious leer."

"You jumped out the goddamn window!"

The man with the flail must have decided that the guy bull rushing him was the real enemy because he swung his weapon. The spiky ball hurtled toward Steve. He deftly parried with his sword.

"With lunges and stabs so very quick,

“I knew in the moment, this guy was a dick."

"Hey! You're the one who started this goddamn fight."

Steve sidestepped the flail and tripped the warrior. Unfortunately, the warrior used his momentum to roll and jump onto Steve like a grunting animal.

"More rapid than eagles, his punches came

“He whistled and shouted and cursed my good name!"

"Ow, Fucker! Ow Bitch! Ow, I'm gonna kill you Jim!"

Steve managed to get out from under the drunk adventurer.

“Now, dodge! Now, weave! Now, don’t let him win!

"To the top of the horse. To the top of the wall."

The tips of Steve's fingers clutched the stable roof. He nimbly pulled himself up.

"That's because I've trained in acrobatics, damn it!”

"Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away from us all!"

"Fuuuuuuck you jiiiiiiiiim!"

Steve continued to run while on top of the roof leaving Jim alone with the armored man.

His eyes were bloodshot and he smelled of liquor. But that didn’t stop him from attacking Jim even quicker.

"As I twirl like the leaves in a hurricane fly,

“When I meet with an obstacle, I don't even cry."

Jim fought with him, exchanging several more blows. And after one good attack that struck his nose...

"So up to the top of the stable I fly.

"Following Steve and saying goodbye."

Jim waved to the drunkard with a deep grin before pulling himself up, while the man’s sword missed his shin.

A sound distracted him.

"Soft footsteps I heard on top of the roof.

"Then my friend Steve appeared with the sound of a poof."

Steve rolled his eyes.

Loud metallic shrieks echoed through the inn’s courtyard. They ran to the roof’s edge.

“As I drew out my sword and was looking around,

"Up the drainage gutters, our opponent was bound."

Steve stepped next to Jim and grimaced.

“Why the hell is this guy so determined?”

“He was dressed all in mail from his head to his foot.”

“I mean, I guess?”

“And his armor was all tarnished with the drugs that he took.”

“Ooooh! You think he’s doin’ a little of the goobersnaps?”

“A bundle of gear, he flung from his back.”

Steve winced as he watched the guy’s pack land below, but this also made it easier for the drugged-up adventurer to reach them.

“Oh shit!”

“And that was when he started to attack.”

They dodged the flail that came toward their feet. The man threw himself on top of the roof.

“His eyes — how they twinkle.”

“Well, that is a side effect of goobersnaps.”

The two stabbed him at the same time.

“His dunking... how very—!”

“Annoying!”

“His cheeks were like plums, his nose like a cherry.”

“Those are still side effects of goobersnaps! You can put it to rest now!”

“His droll little mouth drooled like a dog.

“And the beard on his chin was as thick as bad fog”

“Wait, are you saying he looks bad because he needs to shave? In the middle of a goddamn fight? Ow! Shit!”

“Poor Steve’s hand he held with his teeth.”

“This only happened because you distracted me!” He kicked the guy off him and shook his hand out.

“Causing my good friend to moan and seethe.”

Steve just glared for a second before blocking a kick.

“He had broad shoulders and a round little weapon.”

“Can you be more accurate? I mean, flails might be a little round at certain spots but they have spikes, you know?”

“And we definitely needed to capture him for possession.”

“Yeah, there might be a bounty on his head if he’s doing the ‘snaps.”

“He wasn’t chubby or plump, nor a jolly old elf.”

“Thankfully. If he were an elf we’d be fucked.”

“That time I encountered one, I embarrassed myself.”

The warrior’s movements slowed. Steve, flicked his sword and sent the flail flying off the roof.

“Hey, I think he’s finally coming off his high.”

Jim grabbed him in a chokehold.

“With a wink of his eyes, and a twist of his head.”

Steve grabbed Jim’s hands before he could reposition and literally twist the man’s neck.

“Yeah, I’m gonna have to stop you here.”

The warrior quickly put his hands up.

“He surrendered, showing that we had nothing to dread.”

Steve quickly grabbed some rope and brought it back to the roof. Then he tied up the man.

Jim gently kicked the moaning druggie with his toe.

“If he speaks not a word, we’ll have to go to work.”

“What happened to me, you idiotic jerks?”

Steve groaned. “Please don’t rhyme with him. Just tell us where you got the Goobersnaps.”

He pointed at the inn. “Someone laid a finger by my nose.”

“You were wrongfully drugged?”

“Let’s just see what he knows.”

Steve briefly glared at Jim for including him in this nonsense.

They both dragged the guy off the roof and into the bustling inn.

“Do you see the guy who drugged you?”

He pointed to an old lady.

“She sprang from her seat and cast a lightning bolt.”

Jim grabbed Steve, who actually had armor on, and pulled him in front of himself.

“Damn it Jim! I’m a rogue, not a shield.”

“And away she dashed like a new baby colt.”

“I’m not saying you’re wrong. But I’m not going after a damn wizard without backup.”

The drug dealer threw out a magic bottle. A black horse appeared from the broken glass and the old woman jumped onto its back.

“But I heard her exclaim as she rode out of sight...”

“You can’t catch me! Not even if you try the whole night!”

The wizard’s evil laughter echoed through the inn.

“I don’t get paid enough for this shit,” Steve said.

For once, Jim was silent.

“Come on, let’s go to bed. You’ve still got that bear-kin duel tomorrow.”

Jim nodded and they both went back up to sleep. With beautiful dreams of gold and dragons dancing in their heads... And maybe one of capturing a cackling wizard goobersnaps dealer and turning her in for a fat bounty.