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DR 96 (Patreon)

Published:
2023-09-16 07:20:21
Edited:
2024-01-01 08:08:30
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Content

Curiosity Called the Cat

Comments

Zerak

I know I sound like a broken record, but not sure if you read the comment on the MHA story so I’ll mention it again here. Though for different reasons. You have an issue with changing up how you call people, sometimes you change it too frequently and sometimes you change it to something not too obvious so it breaks immersion. An example from this chapter is using Valian to refer to Yang, I had to pause a bit to figure out what you were referring to. It’s too broad a descriptor specifically since it’s not the first thing that comes to mind about where Yang is from, saying Patch might have been better. But again too broad. You also reffed to Blake as Menagerien, less an issue, but Yang doesn’t know where she is from so it made me pause again to figure out if she would or would not know (was it her thoughts or narration). I think you are being excessive in how often you mix things up. There is some stuff that I personally don’t like but it’s fine as it’s personal preference not actually an issue with writing (not a fan of the word inventrix and gladiatrix, feels weird to read, but again it’s a personal preference issue). But some of it is definitely you switching too often or trying to use too many different terms that you miss the forest for the tree. Anyway, I just wanted to point it out as a piece of constructive criticism. Let me know if it annoys you and I won’t mention it again.

Mr Mouse

TFTC, can't wait for Jaune being creative

NOPE YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME
>>117654404

This is the reason why I hate Blake Povs because this shit gets turned up to 11. Notice that this mind bending word salad only happens with Blake when shes the focal point.

Zerak
>>117654404

It happens all the time but it a lesser extent in all his other stories. The MHA one he used 3 or 4 different ways to refer to all might within one paragraph. You might notice it more with Blake since you might not like her or her PoV so you are more open to picking up issues.

PublicLee Speaking
>>117654404

It's a personal preference, as I don't just want to go 'Bllake said' 'Yang said' 'Blake said' 'Yang said', so every character has ~4 monikers I switch between.

Ramon Diaz

As much fun as Jaune's little joke about being a dragon is, when are we finally going to get even a partial transformation the others see? Hell that might be very interesting. They see him do a partial transformation and get his joke, but still don't quite get that he can go full dragon until something else happens.

Zerak
>>117654404

That is fair, but the issue is when cycle through them too fast, like changing multiple times in one paragraph is too much, another issue is you stretch the monikers too far (like Yang being from Vale isn’t intuitive to me). I would recommend using a he/she to pad the count a bit between switching, or just not switching as often. Alternatively have a moniker you use for specific traits or actions a person displays and use the moniker associated with it, this would also give more depth to the name used. Though this wouldn’t work as well as you will end up with a moniker used too much in one chapter for your liking depending on what is happening. Anyway, I get the need to not refer to the person with their name constantly, but rotating too often to the point it’s more noticeable than what is being written is counter intuitive, you might want to find a balance. From what I understand you don’t want your writing to feel dry due to constantly saying Blake said, replied Blake, etc, but in this analogy the story (writing) is plant and monikers are water, you don’t want people to look at your plant and notice the water drowning it, you want them to appreciate the plant. Plus it will damage the plant (lower the quality of writing) to keep watering it.

Steven Stiring
>>117686089

Considering what happened with MHA when it hit chapter 100, something big happening that forces the main character to stop holding back and hiding things is not out of the realm of possibility.

Joseph Fera
>>117686089

Considering that a good number of fanfic writers do something like milestone reveals, that makes sense. my personal favorite was a fic called In Flight where Akitsu reveals her Norito and Shirou basically says "Holy Fuck."

Joseph Fera

Love your work...HATE THIS CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY SINCE I'LL NEED TO WAIT ANOTHER MONTH FOR A NEW CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!