Why the Nerds? (Patreon)

- Can I get you anything? A sport drink?

Our short stint with sponsorship had run out earlier in the year, but rumor had it we have bottles to last us years.

- Yes, please.

The coach, or athletic director as I think his real title was, motioned me to sit in the chair opposite his desk. He opened a drawer in the filing cabinet, pulled out a small plastic bottle and opened it.

His office was perhaps not messy, but certainly cluttered. Lots of stacks of papers, post it notes, and piles of boxes, clothes and whatnot on the shelves behind his desk. I sat down in the plastic, jock proof chair and looked around with interest. I had never been in his office before, nor any other part of the sports center unless it was unavoidable. In fact when Mr Harris had sent for me I thought it was a mistake. Still could be.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.
- So Mike… Is it Mike, or is it Michael?
- Mike is fine.
- So Mike, I want to be totally honest with you, but what I am about to tell you has to stay between you and me.

He was sitting down, staring at me with a concerned look. He then looked away, as if to consider how much he should tell me. I’m not a big fan of isotonic drinks. There is too much salt in them. The lemon zest approximation of flavoring did its best to hide it, but it can only do so much. And room temperature sport drinks are easier to drink fast, but I would much have preferred a cold can of coke.

- Things are not going well, Mike. I’m not talking sponsorship or funding. Those are just symptoms. The real problem is the talent pool. It’s a bit too shallow in a small school like this. I want you to join the lacrosse team.

I almost spit out a mouthful of room temperature isotonic sponsorship, and instead managed to choke on it and started coughing. That really came out of nowhere. Why on earth would he want me, president of the science club and all around nerd to faceplant on a lacrosse field?

- *cough* *cough* *cough* What? *cough* I don’t think I have the *cough* physique, skill *hiccup* or time for that.
- I kind of agree with you there.
- You do? *hiccup*
- However, we have a new sponsor. A less official one. More secretive. They have some groundbreaking new physiotherapy medications they want to trial.
- So you think I can be convi*hiccup*inced into doping to play on the school team? I couldn't care less *hiccup* about how we do. Or sports.

Coach Harris shifted in is chair, and stared straight into my eyes.

- During this first phase the muscle contractions are centered around the core. The hiccups rarely lasts longer than a week. Ten days tops.

I looked away from his piercing stare and down at the empty bottle in my hand, as a chill went up my spine. Apparently I wasn’t given a choice.

- With daily cardio, development should progress with very few side effects up until week four. The physical appearance then could perhaps be described as “swimmers body”, though on the skinny side, given where you start from. Adding light weight exercise in combination with gymnastics in week four and forward should give you the best beach body in the school by week 10. Practice aside, no one will question your spot in the lacrosse team then. Given their performance I don’t think you will be worst.

- *hiccup* Why not continue and push for a quarterback or a line backer?

Fuck! Why did I say that? I should not have said that. Coach leaned back and gazed into the wall behind me.

- So this is where I have my moral dilemma. If I abort mid procedure it will leave doping traces for at least a year, preventing participation in any real competitions. If I on the other hand let it run its course it will affect the mental capacity. So the solution is to start with really bright students and have the  procedure run its course fully. Hopefully we’ll end up with buff, yet productive members of society. This is where you come in. I want you to draft 20 really smart students for me. As a thanks I’ll stop your process halfway through. Our lacrosse team doesn’t really compete anyway at the moment, so it doesn’t matter what you have in your blood stream.

- It will *hiccup* only cost me having the lives of 20 friends *hiccup* on my conscience.

- Well, you’ve heard the carrot. This is where the stick comes in. I gave you a bit of extra juice, so if I don’t have my 20 guys, you'll be playing linebacker position before the end of the year. But, hey, if you’re clever with your picks you can stay clever, end up with a great body and be the smartest boy in school.

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