James and Kieran (Patreon)

James sat on bus 33, going in a loop, and stared at the envelope in his hand. He needed time to think what he really wanted to do. Up until now there had only been small changes, each easy to undo. But thinking about them, he had probably passed the point of no return months back, without even noticing. He guessed @scallylad89 had planned it like that from the start.

He first got in contact with @scallylad89 on tumblr, not long after his post about getting serious about becoming a chav. It did excite him, still does to a degree, but perhaps he hadn’t given it proper thought. @scallylad89 had sent him a message, offering to become his personal chav coach. He would send small tasks and challenges, and James in turn would complete them best as he could and journal everything online. James had agreed enthusiastically.

The first step was obvious, to get chav clothes, but @scallylad89 had added some extra goals to it. James was instructed to purchase a complete new set of clothes, but for every piece of clothing he must find a photo of a chav wearing it. He could only buy at most two of all pieces, and only one pair of sneakers. Every purchase was reviewed by @scallylad89, though he agreed to everything. James published photos of the items after purchase, and some photos of him wearing them. He was instructed to always wear the outfit, outside of dress code events. Even though he spent most of his time at home, and in uniform for school, James was really enjoying his fantasy coming to life.

The second step @scallylad89 instructed was harder to conceal. James needed to get a haircut, and again could only select from what he could find in chav photos. In addition he was told to have two slits shaved in the eye brow from now on. Immediately he got a few comments and looks at school, but found the biggest change was outside of school. The demeanor of shop clerks and people he met somehow changed, and he would always feel observed, as if he was about to nick something. James found it exciting, and his fingers kept touching his eyebrow the entire week.

He was asked to come up with a chav name for himself, and right away James settled for Kieran. The instructions were to practice writing the name daily, and say “I am Kieran” out loud a few times before going to sleep. He should also update as many social network accounts as he dared with the new name and photo. He changed a few, but not all, conscious about what relatives would say.

Next he was told to spend as much time away from home. When he and his mother moved out after the divorce she spent most of her time working, so him being out wasn’t noticed and raised no questions. He even got a few specific assignments from @scallylad89. Sit outside a supermarket for 1 hour. Travel a bus line a full loop and step off where he stepped on. Walk past every building in his neighborhood. James became less and less self conscious, and diligently documented everything with selfies on his blog. To some degree he was playing a role. He had been instructed to present himself as Kieran, should anyone ask, and some chav did strike up a short conversation on a bus at one point. James
probably would not have dared talk to him as “James”, but as Kieran he was free.

He begun getting rid of the clothes he didn’t use anymore. He kept the suit he had worn at his grandmothers funeral, but donated pretty much everything else to the Salvation Army. He had grown out of most of it anyway, but a few good jeans and shirts had to be sacrificed.

James was really hesitant with the next set of instructions though. He was required to purchase one pack of cigarettes and have a smoke once per day at the recess before lunch. Buying the pack was easy, but he bailed out on actually smoking. It wasn’t until two days later he forced himself to join the other smokers outside the school building. A collection of cool kids and losers. Mostly losers. His mother started to worry and asked him if everything was alright. “Never been better”, James answered, not lying for once.

When the pack was empty he was told to buy a new one and smoke before lunch and dinner. Once that pack was gone he was told to smoke one as soon after breakfast as possible as well, which meant on his way to school. He was surprised how quickly his social life had changed, now that he spoke to the smokers daily. He hadn’t forged any deep friendships since moving here, so nothing really held him back. All of them knew him as Kieran.

James didn’t hear anything from @scallylad89 for several weeks, and when he finally did get a message he was surprised by the assignment. He had apparently been enrolled in a football beginners group at a club at the other side of town. He didn’t understand the point until he arrived two days later for first practice. All the other lads in the group looked like him. Hoodies, sweatshirts, trackies. Some where sharing a smoke. All of them, too, got to know him as Kieran. But more importantly James got to know himself as Kieran, as that’s what they shouted at him when passing the ball.

Although practice was only once a week, he was spending more and more time in this part of town with his team mates. He was often invited to watch footie at Shane's or Conner's flat. Conner's place was more popular, as his big brother supplied them with beer.

He kept on journaling online, but got fewer and fewer assignments. After well over a month of silence @scallylad89 suddenly dumped a bunch of photos on his blog, with a made up story to string them together. A story where a school kid magically transforms into a chav in a few days, and end up giving blow jobs at a construction site. While Kieran didn’t care for the story, he was amazed to see the images right next to each other. His diet of cigarettes and football practice had very visibly made him leaner and more muscular. But it was somehow deeper than that. It was like in the last photo he wasn’t pretending to be a chav anymore. He was one.

Somehow the story had spread in school, and some of his class mates were giving him a hard time for it. Kieran could understand it from their point of view. They had all seen him transform into a chav, so of course they would think of all the details of the story as soon as they saw him, even if they didn’t believe it. Rob, one of the other smokers, even offered up his dick for a blow job.

He thought that would be the last he heard from @scallylad89, but soon after he got an envelope in the mail. Inside it was an already filled out deed poll, ready to sign, and instructions on everything he needed to do to legally change his name to Kieran. As he sat on the bus, going back and forth between his home and his friends, he realized his life as James was over, no matter what he wanted.

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