Freckly in a Beanie (Patreon)

hello guys ^^

This is gonna be a personal post. Hanbin is just for decoration (perhaps may count as wallpaper? though it's actually just a frame of a bonus comic I'm working on...)

I want to vent.

No, nothing big. It's just that... I found a sick cat wandering outside my house and decided to take care of it. I took her to the vet and the vet said there's no virus, no parasite, only eye infection. She's doing so well, she always purred whenever I petted her, she ate so enthusiastically too that I thought everything was going to be OK... until yesterday. She didn't purr, and she didn't play, so I decided to take her to a vet. The first vet said she's OK, just a little tummy ache because of enviromental change (decided to took her into my house after 10 days caged outside), but I still felt off... so I took her to a vet with better lab. And unfortunately, she's tested positive for panleukopenia. She's been infected before she arrived at my house, the first test was negative because the virus wasn't active yet...

She's only 5-6 weeks old, unvaccinated, so it's almost a death sentence...

She's still with the vet right now. I asked her to give the rescued kitty the best help they could offer, but I also know there's only 5-10% chance she'd make it out alive.

I know, this is so trivial. But I've been dealing with depression and social anxiety for so long  avoid human interaction I become so attached to cats. I also know I'm bad at dealing with death, so I'm bracing for impact. The kitty is still doing relatively OK right now, but I'm too scared to even hope.

I admit I'm quite weak at heart and I had been crying so much... but what makes it harder for me, my mom - who lives with me - always gets angry when I'm sad. She yelled at me and threatened to leave me  if I kept crying and I felt so exhausted all of the sudden. As pathetic as it sounds, I don't want my mom to leave; I may be financially independent, but emotionally, I'm not. It just sucks that my mom has always been like that, she always reacts to my sadness with anger, when all I want is just to mourn in peace. It'd be nice to have someone to hug and comfort me right now, but I'm too anxious to even talk to a friend, let alone hug... and the only person I can talk to - my mom - is incapable of showing 'soft' emotions. 

This does sound ridiculous when I write it out, I don't even know why I'm crying... she really is just a kitten. She's only been with me for less than 2 weeks. I wish I'm a little more detached to my cats so losing them won't hurt me this much...

I'm sorry for venting here. I'm still working on EP 90, hopefully will be done by this weekend. See you soon <3