Bad news.... (Patreon)

I just lost my cat...

I know it's just a cat, but to me, he's a friend.

October 2017, I was on my lowest point. I was depressed. Everyone hated me, even someone I considered my best friend told me she'd kill me if she had the chance. I thought about ending my life. But I didn't want to - I wanted to survive, so I adopted a cat.... to have a purpose in life.

His name was Yi Tao, though I usually called him "adek" ("little brother").

He's just a cat, but to me, he's a family.

He was the reason why I bothered to try again, to draw and have faith that everything would get better in the end. I forced myself to work, to make enough money to buy food for him. I always bought him the best food, the most expensive even. He would feed from my hands. When I was drawing, he'd jump on my desk and sat on my tablet, then played with my stylus. I never had the heart to yell at him, so I just sat there, sending desperate look to Mom so she got the clue and took Adek off from my desk.

Lately I feel like I'm too busy with myself.

Too busy drawing, too busy sleeping, too busy counting pill per pill I have to take each day. I still pet him, still love him, I still stop in the middle of eating just to feed him kitty treat. I love him, I know I do, but I might be too busy....

I hope he knew I loved him, and I still do.

Today I bought cute eyeglasses for him, bought him his favorite kitty treats. He was happily playing and napping and then, just in a matter of minutes, he passed away.

It's too sudden.

I jumped on my car and ran in the middle of the rain to find a vet. It's already too late in the evening. I couldn't find any doctor. Then, my sister called me, and said Adek passed away.

I hated myself, I still do - if I wasn't too busy, I might know what went wrong. I just diverted my attention away from him for like 5 minutes and suddenly he's lying cold on the floor. It could be heart problem, my mom said, but I don't know.... I feel so guilty.

I'm sorry, this isn't what you expect when you subscribe to me, but I don't have many friends (I have a few, called one to vent ), I just feel like I need to get this out of my chest.

I feel horrible, lonely, angry.

But I can only hope Adek was happy when he's with me.

Rest in peace, the love of my life.