Cycle 30-1: Remembering the Good Times (Patreon)

Sunlight peeked through from behind Kaitlyn’s closed eyelids. She squeezed them shut more tightly, trying to block out the stabbing rays.

Not yet. Just a few more minutes.

As long as her eyes were closed, she could pretend that the prodding beams of sun were actually the lights of the Christmas festival. That the warmth wrapping around her was Philip's arms. She could even imagine that the pillow pushed up against her cheek was his chest.

But she couldn't pretend forever.

After a few minutes, she let out a long, slow breath and opened her eyes. The familiar wooden underside of the bunk above greeted her. She slowly pushed herself to a sitting position, hands falling limply into her lap.

After a long moment, she sighed. Closing her eyes, she checked her Progress Report.

Progress Report

Current Cycle:

Cycle 30 (Week 1)

Endings (8/20):

Alex (3/3 - Complete!)

Dinner Date

Comfort Food

Rotten to the Core

Ian (1/3)

???

A Winding Path

???

Philip (2/3)

Family Matters

Distant Relations

???

Vinny (1/3)

???

???

Party Crasher

Elliot (0/3)

???

???

???

Other (1/5)

???

Under the Radar

???

???

???

Achievements (8):

The First of Many - Unlock your first ending

What Friends are For - Unlock a friendly ending for any male lead

Walking Red Flag - Unlock a bad ending for any male lead

Happily Ever After - Unlock a romance ending for any male lead

From Every Angle - Unlock all endings for a single male lead

Wingman - Complete the “Rachel and Cedric” easter egg

A Solid Start - Unlock 5 unique endings

Dean’s List - Ace all five classes

That's it, then. She opened her eyes once more. Another romance ending done.

She wanted to feel happy about it. Not just the ending and the progress it implied, but the last loop in general. It had been a wonderful thing to finally feel close to Philip, to finally build a relationship with him. Heck, they'd made so many great memories. But like everything else, it had to end. And all too soon.

With a shaky breath, she managed to force the tears down. The end of the loop had been just as jarring as last time, yanking her from Philip's comforting embrace and the faraway sounds of the festival without a single bit of hesitation.

I was ready for it this time. I was expecting it. She bit her quivering lip. I knew it wouldn't become anything more, but still… It hurts. It hurts so bad.

It took a few more deep breaths to calm herself. Looking for a distraction, she wiped at her eyes and lifted her head to look around the mostly-empty room. Her gaze brushed over Heather's empty desk and Kaitlyn's own neatly-organized one, her phone sitting on its corner as usual. After waking up to the scene so many times, she could practically recreate every detail with her eyes closed. But today, there was something new.

Her eyes caught on the corkboard hanging on her wall. There, hanging next to Alex's amateurish painting of a mountain sunset, hung a rather lumpy-looking plush bunny on a keychain. Its button eyes and crooked smile stared back at her, rumpled ears standing askew. The sight brought a bittersweet smile to her lips.

With a force of will, she pulled off the covers and made to stand. After getting dressed, she stepped toward the door and pulled it open. A stack of two cardboard boxes sat piled outside on the threshold. The bottom one contained a toaster oven, she already knew that much. But the top one was new.

Dragging them inside the room, she set the second box on her bed. This one was also a rectangle like the toaster oven box, but much thinner. It was about the size and dimensions of a briefcase.

Well. Might as well see what the consolation prize is.

Slicing through the tape with a pair of scissors, she pulled open the box. Inside sat a smooth silver rectangle, its center emblazoned with a stylized orange slice. A collection of faint dings and scratches marred its surface, but nothing too noticeable. As she lifted the item out of the box, she noticed the slightly scuffed corners worn white with time.

Kaitlyn unfolded the laptop curiously, turning it on. The screen flickered to life, no dead pixels or cracks making themselves known.

Guess it only makes sense. She chuckled dryly. Of course the game would give me a laptop. And a used one, to boot. It must have a sense of humor.

After inspecting the device a bit more, everything seemed to be in perfect working order. Despite it being well-used, there didn't seem to be anything more significant than some minor cosmetic damage. It even came with a few pre-installed packages and programs that would definitely save her time going forward.

She shut the laptop and set it on her desk. There would be time to work with it later. But not today. Right now, she needed time to come to terms with everything. As best she could, at least.

***

Kaitlyn left the room before Heather's arrival, opting to eat and then simply walk around campus for a while. Her thoughts were an absolute mess, and simply sitting alone in thought threatened to make her spiral into dark places. Getting up and moving, though, helped.

She wandered aimlessly about Hartland University's winding paths – past Cappy's Cafe, through empty lecture hall buildings, beneath the arches of oak trees, and even around the biology lab. She didn't put much thought into where her feet were taking her. She simply went.

I need some time. Time to process and accept that he's gone. She took a shaky breath. I can't do what I did last time, though. This time… I'll give myself one loop. One loop to mourn his memory. To remind myself that it really did happen, that it was real and meaningful and important to me. And then… I have to move on.

Some part of her rebelled against the idea. The idea of moving on so quickly felt so deeply wrong, like it was some sort of betrayal. Why not spend another few years processing the loss? She had infinite time, didn't she? And didn't Philip deserve it, at least as much as Alex had?

I can't do that again. She shook her head. I'll go crazy if I spend almost twenty loops throwing myself into classes again, for one.

Despite how much she'd managed to learn during that time, Kaitlyn knew it wasn't sustainable. She could look back on things more clearly now and saw just how much she'd been running away from her problems the whole time. Rather than help create distance, she felt like it had only let her build things up into impossible monoliths that she couldn't bear to face.

And just because I don't let myself dwell on him doesn't mean that he was less important. I just… I can't let myself wallow like that every time. He helped me learn that.

Kaitlyn barely noticed as her steps began to wander toward the edge of campus, then past it. Her sneakers tapped in a slow, pondering rhythm across the sidewalk as cars whizzed by in either direction.

It's not time and distance I need. It's reflection. Actual, intentional reflection and acceptance. I need to make the decision to let go.

But she couldn't make that decision right now. Not when the wound was so fresh.

The idea did send her thoughts toward the future, though. The future and what the coming loops would entail. Going forward… it was pretty clear what she'd have to do next.

Philip's ending had caught her mostly off guard – it had snuck up on her when she'd least expected it, being focused on classes and specifically avoiding any endings. But she suspected that the others wouldn't be the same. From everything she'd seen, the other endings would take intentional effort on her part.

She couldn't hide from the male leads any more, avoiding them and skirting around possible encounters. She had to seek them out and learn about them, figure out who they were and what their endings might look like.

I still don't know if it's possible to get out of the game. Maybe it's not. She chewed her lip uncertainly. But I have to try. If nothing else, I can do that. And that means no more running. Not if I want to get out of this game someday.

The thought sent a familiar sensation of ice down her spine. The trepidation was so strong that it nearly stopped her in her tracks.

Is that what it's going to feel like? A game? A bitter chuckle escaped her. It sure didn't this time. But maybe it will someday. Maybe it'll hurt less next time.

She set the thoughts aside. Those are worries for another day. Right now, I'm going to reminisce. Reminisce and celebrate that we once had. Even if the game can take Philip and his memories, it can't take away mine.

And so she did. Kaitlyn kept walking, reliving the bittersweet memories of the beach and the festival. Of so many study sessions and tutoring sessions and rides home and late nights at the restaurant. All of the one-off interactions, big and small, that made up their relationship. Kaitlyn trawled through the memories, as painful as they were, as though to fix them in her mind forever.

Eventually, she roused herself from her musings to look around. The sky had long since turned shades of dark orange and dusky blue. She'd been walking for a long time, her path having taken her far away from campus. The realization sent a brief wave of surprise through her, though not fear. After all, she recognized her surroundings.

Kaitlyn's feet had taken her to a suburban neighborhood lined with nondescript white houses. One in particular stood before her, its yellowish lawn the outlier among the greener grasses of its neighbors. A group of cars sat parked out front, already beginning to spill into the street, though she knew far more would appear in a few hours. Warm light glowed inside, just visible through the narrow slits of eternally closed blinds.

She blinked in surprise. How did I end up at Vinny's again? Just how long have I been walking for?

Maybe it was the game's meddling. Or maybe she'd internalized the path here more deeply than she'd thought. Either way, Kaitlyn found herself staring up at the familiar white-walled house with confusion.

Her stomach grumbled loudly, causing her to wince. Ah, yeah. It's pretty late. I guess I missed lunch, didn't I…

Luckily, she knew for a fact that Vinny's house was hosting a party. One with food.

I'm already here, I guess. Why not?

With that, she stepped toward the house.